Inspired by memories

My mother died on this day last year. My mind and heart is filled with so many memories of my mother. I am forever grateful for the time that God allowed me to spend with her just weeks before she made her transition. I see that asking God to guide me and to give me the eyes to see and the ears to hear, opened my soul to such an amazingly wonderful time with my mother.
I miss her dearly. Her laugh was contagious. Her jokes were hilarious especially when she would start laughing before she even reached the punch line. She loved to laugh at herself. I am so grateful to have acquired many of her attributes.
 Thinking about my mothers life, I now realize the depth of her sorrow. The fact that she could love and laugh with such passion has helped me in immeasurable ways. Thank you mom for being there for me in the depth of my sorrow.

Forever in my heart. I love you Mom!

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I'm trying to search my mind to find words to put down that could even begin to describe the horror  and devastation that I feel for the unbelievable murders that happened in Newtown, Conn. My heart hurts for these families, this community and our country. There are some questions that will never be answered, in this lifetime.

Having had my own son murdered, I anguish at the thought of the moment these parents were told that their little children were dead. I feel immense sadness for the days that will follow for these families. The numbness the complete state of shock and disbelief when you finally do go to sleep and wake up, hoping that it was all a horrible nightmare. Only to face the reality that this nightmare is a waking one. I am so sorry that there isn't anything that anyone can say or do to take any of your pain away.

Today and everyday I will continue to pray for these families. God, please wrap your loving arms around them. Help them to feel You in these most incomprehensible times. God guide them to places of comfort and help them to sleep.

God, guide us as a nation, to do all that we can to help.


Forever in my thoughts and prayers Amen

The gift of Thanksgiving

I am enjoying my quiet time this beautiful morning. I have had a wonderful phone conversation with a dear friend. I am so thankful for the amazing people that I have in my life today. I am in awe at how a shift in my perception, a change in how I view the world and the people in it, can reveal so many miracles, that until this shift took place, I was unable to see! Thus is why my daily prayer is: God, guide me to where You would have me go. Give me the eyes to see, the ears to hear, and the words to speak. Clear my mind and heal my heart. And so it is, Amen

The last couple weekends have been filled with Amazing women from all over the country. We all met in LA for a huge conference to lift each other up in love and sisterhood. I have been lifted up emotionally, physically and spiritually from all of these incredible life expereinces. My thoughts about so many things that I thought were fact or should be's, are changing. I see myself opening up to, what is often called, the "Bigger Picture".

Many years before Matt was killed, I felt an inner shifting. I knew that Life is so much more than money, jobs, influence. All of which, are outside THINGS. I was on a journey from the moment I was born...I was just unaware for many years.

Although, this shift has definitely expanded since Matt's death. I have no more walls up. I am totally open to whatever God has in store for me. I am open to the experience and I am not attached to the outcome. I am the most vulnerable that I have ever been. This is the space where God can and will enter.

I have been sitting in quiet with the visiting forms that convicted murderer, Gene Combs, has sent to me. I want to go and see him and ask him questions about the night that Henry Don Williams, shot and killed Matt. I'm also not naive. I understand that Gene combs has nothing to lose by saying whatever he wants to me. I just have this inner knowing that i am supposed to do this.

One reason why I know that I am supposed to go and see Gene Combs, is because of what has taken place over these past few months. The people that have been placed in my life at just the right moment. I was speaking at a middle school several weeks ago. My husband and I had already had a meeting 3 months before this middle school experience, where we were asked to forgive this person who had a role in Matt's murder. At this middle school, the woman seated next to me, gave me a hand written note which said, "thank you for forgiving my son". This is how I know that God is leading me! This is my privilege of a lifetime.

Some people do not understand how I could be open to speak to and even consider to forgive these people who committed these horrible acts that resulted in my only son's death. I say, It's not for them, it's for me. It's for my children and it's for their children. We are all here for a reason. My hating someone is NOT going to bring Matt back. My feeling Anger and Rage is not going to Affect anyone but me and those I love and with whom I am closest to. Why would I want to do that? I don't! I want to heal and live this life in peace. Giving hope where it seems like there is none.


 

Time to Heal

I'm another year older and I'd like to think that I am a bit wiser as well.

I had a wonderful Birthday with my girlfriend, Laura. We went to San Diego to spend a couple days by the sea. We also were blessed to go to La Costa Resort and Spa to see my favorite author and mentor, Marianne Williamson. She was a speaker, during a week long retreat with Deepak Chopra.

Before I left for this much anticipated mini vacation, I had a couple of significant things happen. I had sent a letter to Gene Combs, (the accomplice in Matt's murder) in response to a letter that he had written to me over two years ago. I am now ready to hear what Gene Combs has to say about that night horrible Sept night.

Ever since Matt's death, I have felt that this was NOT a case of Mistaken Identity. I also have so many questions still, in response to how Gene Combs, who is the ONLY one who went to the Police and turned himself in, was given a 15 to life sentence, and the driver received nothing. Without Gene Combs, we may still not know who shot Matt. I am asking myself, WHAT is it that I want from Gene Combs?

I have been given the opportunity to forgive some of the people directly and indirectly involved in Matt's death. This continues to be a long and difficult process but also extremely healing. I did not go see Gene Combs, who is in prison in San Diego. He sent another letter and asked me for a copy of the letter that he had written to me, over 2 years ago. I decided that this was not the time for me to speak to him.

I feel so grateful that I am allowing God to clear my mind and to heal my heart and to guide me. I don't want to MAKE things happen. I relinquish all control of this situation, to God. I am forever grateful to the many friends who continue to support me and my decisions. I will not get to have my son back, although I can have peace in my heart in the midst of our enormous and devastating loss.

The journey from my head to my heart.......

Here I am again, sitting at my computer, looking out the window at this beautiful October morning. It is amazing to me, how the way that the day looks, or the smell of the cool air, can trigger so many memories. Just the way the sun is positioned or the sound of a bird can take me to a place in my memory which seems like a lifetime ago.

 I am scanning over, in my mind, the events from yesterday. My Friday began with breakfast with a friend that I haven't seen in over 15 years. It was so amazing to see her and her beautiful 6 month old son. It was like we had been together all this time. There was no awkwardness or lack of conversation. I am very grateful that we found each other again. My life has been blessed by awesome people in it.

I was also corresponding with my friend, her son was murdered earlier this year. She asked me if the thoughts and pain of WHY did this happen to our children, ever goes away? I had to tell her, "NO, those questions of why, the pain, loss and devastation have not gone away. I don't imagine this as ever going away. We shared with each other how we stay busy to keep our minds focused on something other than the never ending pain from the senseless deaths of our children.

 I did get to share with her, the conversation that I had with one of the players in Matt's death. I shared with her that he asked us for forgiveness for his role of being the drug dealer who took the $50 that the shooter and Gene Allen Combs, came looking for to get their money back. He understood that his disease of addiction, has affected so many lives.

Last night, I again ran into That man, who had a part in Matt's murder. The same man that Raymond and I had a conversation with, nearly 2 months ago. The man who asked for forgiveness for his part in the murder of our son. This man now has 2 months clean and sober. He gave me his 60 day key tag.

So here is the part about my journey from my head to my heart. This man is Now changing his life. In my heart, I know that this is a major event, that will absolutely help to change not only his life, but the lives of his children, his family, his immediate circle of people, and ultimately the world. My head wants to HATE him but my heart knows this is a miracle.

 My head often times wants to blame, hate, hurt and punish. I have been on a spiritual journey for a long time now. I believe that God is absolutely guiding me to a life of peace and forgiveness. I just have to be willing!

Once again, God, Clear my Mind and Heal my Heart. Guide me where you would have me go and give me the eyes to see and the ears to hear.

My meaning of Forgiveness

I'm not sure what IT ALL MEANS. Although, I am sure that God has a Plan.

 I just re-read the letter that Gene Combs (the other person charged with Matt's murder). The letter was sent to me nearly 2 years ago. Gene Allen Combs had just been sentenced to 15 years to life for his role in the murder of Matt. Gene Combs stated in the letter that he didn't know that Henry Don Williams had a gun. He said that he turned himself in, along with Nicole Stewart and the shooter, Henry Don Williams on Sept. 12, 2008, Eleven days after my son was shot.
Gene Combs stated in the letter that he didn't come forward sooner because one of the men, who also testified during the trials, that Henry Don Williams asked him to forward a message to Gene Combs, if he went to the cops he would have Gene killed along with his kids. I'm not sure I believe what he has said in this letter. And really it doesn't matter. Matt isn't coming back! What i do know is that Gene Combs is the one who turned everyone in,  himself. The 9 month pregnant mother, shooters girlfriend, Nicole Stewart, never went to the police, The Shooter, Henry Don Williams (baby's daddy) took off to Las Vegas and assumed a fake identity.
So, God is the only one who REALLY knows the Truth of what happened the night of September 1, 2008.
I have had the opportunity to speak with Ryan Estes, the drug dealer who took the $50 from Gene Combs and never returned, who was the so called intended target of the bullet on Sept. 1, 2008 that killed Matt. I have talked with Nicole Stewart, the 9 month pregnant mother and girlfriend of the shooter. Just yesterday I responded to the letter that Gene Combs wrote to me nearly 2 years ago. I asked if I could speak to him face to face? He is in prison in San Diego. I just so happen to be traveling to San Diego for my birthday Nov. 2nd.
  I believe that I am on a journey of healing. My prayer daily is: God, Clear my mind and Heal my Heart. Guide me where YOU would have me go. Give me the eyes to see and the ears to hear. Fill me with Peace, Happiness and LOVE. Amen

Shattered heart with a message

On this night 4 years ago, we were at John Muir Hospital waiting to see Matt in the emergency room surrounded by so many people waiting to find out how you were.

 There are a few moments from that night and the next day are forever etched in my memory.
 It was 8:30ish when my friend Terri called me to see if I had heard from Matt. She said that she had found out that he may have just been shot. I immediately called Matt's phone, No answer. I then called the police to see what was happening. The police dispatcher said that an officer would be coming to our home. All of our phones began to ring continuously. The word had spread. Matt was shot!

While we were outside waiting for the police to pick us up. Uncle Mark and Aunt Maria came to pick up TeaRae and head off to John Muir. Briana decided to wait for the police with me and Raymond. "OH MY GOD,Where are the POLICE"? We kept asking and calling. Why were they taking so long?

When the Officer finally arrived, the three of us got in the police car and we took off for the hospital. I never wondered why they had my son at John Muir? My phone continued to ring and I continued to feed everyone who called, the little bit of information that I had. I finally asked the Officer, Do you know what happened to my son? He said, "All that I know is that he was shot in the head". My heart dropped and I don't remember much of the ride after that.

At the hospital we were ushered to the emergency waiting area. Many of our city leaders were there. Many of Matt's friends and our family were arriving by the carloads. We didn't get to see Matt or hear anything about his condition for quite some time. When the Doctor did come out he told us that Matt's wound was devastating. What does that mean? I didn't know what that meant????

When we were taken to see Matt, he was hooked up to many machines. It was obvious to me now, what the Doctor meant when he said devastating wound. How could this be happening?  WHO did this to my BOY? WHY, WHY, WHY????? He was a good and kind boy with a beautiful caring heart.

We stayed the night in the ICU waiting room. Several of my friends stayed with us that night. I continued to go to Matt's bedside, where he had round the clock police protection.
The next day, the ICU Doctor informed us that Matt's Brain Stem was severed. Matt would not be recovering and that his brain was dead. How does a mother deal with that? How does a mother hold it together enough to be there for Matt's sisters? How does a mother NOT LOSE HER MIND from Anger, Rage and Grief. GOD!
God continues to carry us all through this never ending nightmare. I ask God to Clear our minds and heal our Hearts, daily.
 Matt's life brought joy to many people. That is what we try to focus on. The depth of pain and the space that is forever missing in my heart will always be there. Matt wanted us to be filled with hope and to be responsible for our actions. So, that is what we have been striving to do.

Last week I talked with the person who was the intended target of the bullet that killed my son. Yes, the drug dealer who ripped of the shooter and his friend for $50 dollars. He shared with Raymond and I, that he never meant for someone to be killed. He shared how he wanted to die, but the drugs he continued to do, wouldn't kill him. He had nine days clean now and he knew he had to talk with us. He shared how he was spiraling out of control. He couldn't go down Travis Blvd. because he couldn't look at the Matt Garcia Youth Center without being reminded of how it should have been Him that was killed, Not Matt!
I just allowed him to go on and tell his story of what had happened on Sept. 1, 2008. He said that he didn't understand why God let him live and took Matt, who was living a positive life and had a bright future. Honestly, I can't understand it either.
Listening to him tell the story I asked him some questions about the trial and some of the things that he testified to when he was on the stand. I wanted to know if he still stood by everything that he said. He said, yes,that he did.
It was a very emotional meeting for the 3 of us. I had a sense of peace come over me. I told him that my hope for him would be that he continue to get his life in order and to be the father that he should be to his 4 kids. That he teach them to be good and loving people so that they don't grow up to do drugs and hurt or kill people.
He asked for our forgiveness and we forgave him. I felt lighter when I left that meeting. Not for him so much as for myself. My life has been an incredible series of opportunities and lessons. I can use these life events as opportunities to grow and change or I can live in hatred, fear, anger and confusion. I choose peace!
That is what Matt would want for us all.

Forever twenty-two

Oh my God, my heart is so broken. I still can't believe that you are gone. I'm sitting here remembering what was happening 26 years ago. My only son was about to be born. I remember how scared and excited I was knowing that you were about to enter this world. I was only 19 but I knew I already loved you so much. I wanted to be the best mom I could be to you. Although, I lacked the tools I needed to be that mom.

I continued to try and I continued to struggle with many issues. I had your sister less than 2 years later. Our lives were falling apart and our precious babies were caught in the crossfire. Finally, when you were 3 and your sister 1, I made a major decision that would change our lives for the better. With that one decision came many more. We were on the healing road of recovery and restoration. My self centered behavior, turned into a soul desire to help myself and my precious children be the best that we could be. I thank God everyday for guiding me to seek that help and healing.

With our new lives came more challenges, but we were a family and I would NOT give up! Remembering the parenting classes that I enrolled in and the therapy for the 3 of us, fills me with so much pride today. I was going to do everything necessary to make a good life for you and us. I was not perfect but I was willing to learn and take direction.

I enrolled you into Head Start. You loved it. I did get a call from your Head Start teacher, Mrs. Chamberlain telling me how you went to her office and decided to drink her Coke. We had more work to do. You were so funny and had way too much energy. We all had a tough time keeping up with you.

When I met Raymond, you were 4 and Bri was 2. You instantly had a connection with Raymond. He was the missing piece to our family. You two were buddies and you were so happy. When Raymond and I were married You were the ring bearer. I laugh every time I think about how you pulled Nicole by her arm, down the isle. She didn't have time to drop rose petals because you were in a hurry to get to the alter with mommy and Raymond.

You suffered your first huge loss in your little life when Grandpa Joe died. He was the best grandpa in the world. He loved his mamo very much. Every night when we said our prayers we would talk to grandpa Joe in heaven. I am comforted knowing that you are together again.

You played every sport. You were a great boogie boarder in Hawaii. You had a ton of friends and your heart was always full of love. Your sensitivity to people and there feelings was beautiful. You made me a better person.

It's almost 10:00PM the night before you were born 26 year's ago. I am wondering how I will "keep it together" tomorrow at the 5th annual softball tournament. How I remember the happiness on your face at your 22nd birthday party at Favela's Fusion. That was your last birthday with us.

 You were taken just a little over a month later. God, How I wish we could go back and change that night somehow. But I know we can't. My life, my thoughts, my everything was changed forever the night they took you from us. I have to keep my head up and moving forward.

Your love and passion and commitment to people has been the driving force in our lives which keeps us going. Your sister's are so amazing. They are constantly stepping up to help others in one form or another. You made us all so proud. We miss you every minute of every day.
I love you baby. Happy Birthday, Matthew.

Her word was Perseverance!

I just returned home from an awesome meeting. The woman who spoke is amazing! I have so much respect and admiration for her. She spoke about perseverance. I related to a lot of her story. We share some similarities. One glaring similarity is that we are both mothers of murdered sons. We both continue to persevere. 

I believe that my journey is one of love, forgiveness and healing. I also believe that God places each person in my life at exactly the right time. I cannot help but to feel loved and blessed in this moment.

This past week our youngest child turned 19. She is amazing!  Both of our daughters have also persevered. They have done it with love and grace. I have watched these amazing young women rise up and walk in the light. I am beyond proud. I am humbled, by the fact that God entrusted us with our three amazing children. God continues to move us on this path.

 I feel a strong shift. As though we are all being guided to lift up our young people and to help them realize their role in this world. I feel led to empower our young women. To help those who have not learned yet how to help themselves. To help the women who do not know their own worth and value. To reach out and grab the sea of abundance that is waiting for us. We are the healers and the caretakers. We are the protectors of the babies. It is in our nature to take care of the children. To make sure that they eat and that they are nurtured and loved. 

It may have seemed as though we were caught up and forgot all of this. The time is now! We have been reminded! We can no longer pretend to NOT see that our children are hurting and need us to comfort them. To feed them. To remind them of whom they are. When we take care of our children, ALL OF THEM, our world will then be what we have hoped for it to be. The violence will be less. Our hearts will be open. Our minds will be clear. We have all persevered and now let us do this!

 I am ready, are you?

Glimpses of things to come

It's already been a week since we had our 4th Annual Cinco de Mayo event. I can't even believe this was our 4th!!!!What that says to me, is that Matt has been gone, from our physical presence, for almost 4 years. I still can not wrap my head around this nightmare.
  I am so grateful for the people, places, and things in my life today. I'm grateful for the opportunities that we are able to bring to others.
 I was thinking about what Matt's death has done to me? I could not put any of  it into words. At that point, I changed my question to, What has Matt's LIFE given to me?
Wow, just changing the question has given me a new perspective and unbelievable HOPE of good things to come. Matt's life has given me a undeniable sense of  accomplishment. His life was filled with Hope and Promise. He loved to help people, All People!
 His mission was to love unconditionally. He did that so well. His life has filled me with a sense of purpose and perseverance. I know that ANYTHING is possible!
God, blessed me with the awesome opportunity to raise 3 amazing children. I am eternally grateful for this gift. I am learning, each day, and in every moment, to make the best out of EVERYTHING! I am learning to change the questions that I ask myself! Thank you God and Thank you Matt!

Scattered

I woke up this morning feeling a bit scattered. I often distract myself with doing many different activities or meetings or projects. I only notice this, when I begin to get stressed out, because I have decided to take on too much. It's a vicious cycle. Each time, I finally do notice that I've done it again, I am then ready to go and lay down for a couple of days.
 My passion for service, is huge. I need to learn how to be of service to ME. I can't help others, if I am unable to help and take care of myself. I make this statement to others, OFTEN!
 I recognize that once I STOP and sit still, my mind takes me back to the evening of Sept. 1, 2008. I wake up every morning, thinking of my son. My day is filled with thoughts of Matt. I go to bed every night with my boy on my mind. There isn't a time that Matt isn't in my thoughts. But, when I'm still, the night of Sept. 1, 2008 replays over and over again.
 I know, with all of my heart, that Matthew would not want me to cry and mourn everyday. I try to do things to uplift my thoughts. Helping and serving others in a positive way. Reminding myself that Matt had a vision of HOPE for our community and all of the people here. I feel his presence when I'm still. It is so difficult to really look at what has happened. After 3 1/2 years, I am still not used to him being gone. It is like a never ending nightmare.
I honestly do believe that God has a plan. I also believe that we are all HERE for a purpose. When I remember these profound realizations, I can move forward. Thus, this starts my cycle all over again. I have to be able to find a balance. To learn to recognize when I'm heading from the point of peace and belief  to the extreme of overextending myself, with distractions.
God please Clear my Mind and Heal my Heart!

Light

I woke up this morning being reminded that I am in control of my attitude. I make the decision, each day, to either live in the darkness, or to be THE LIGHT! At first, knowing that my happiness and peace, were my own responsibility, seemed almost unfair! I mean, God, I want to blame someone else. These life situations that have happened, I had no choice! I was powerless to change these situations and outcomes.
This is absolutely true! I can't change what has happened. Today, I know that I can change how I am responsible for what happens to ME. I am responsible for the change that I bring to myself and my life! God, Has given me the gift of this life. I have to be responsible to have a purpose filled life. It is a gift to show my daughters that Life is about giving and loving. I GET IT! We are here for a reason!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will continue, each moment, to take responsibility for the energy/attitude that I bring into every situation.

God, what would you have us do?

It's Sunday morning. I'm in my usual morning spot, sitting in front of this computer. I have so many things running through my mind!  I do want to acknowledge how beautiful this first day of April is. It's amazing to watch, what a difference a day makes. Yesterday we had to cancel our monthly community clean up, due to rain, wind, and possible thunderstorms. Today it's clear blue sky, warm sun, and no wind.

The area that we were scheduled to do the clean-up and BBQ, is an area that has had 2 murders in a little over a month. This is the same area that had another murder yesterday morning! This is the 6th homicide, in Fairfield, already this year!

MY GOD! Please clear our minds and Heal our Hearts. Help us to keep on keeping on. These times are so discouraging and plenty frightening. Believe me, I have felt like giving up. I have felt this way, on more than one occasion.  GOD, WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US? WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE US DO?
I always get the same internal response.....TERESA,  DO NOT GIVE UP! KEEP MOVING FORWARD.
So, I'm NOT going to GIVE UP!

 Together, we will make a change in our community. We have to continue to dialog. The community meetings that our police chief has organized, along with monthly town hall meetings, from other community leaders and faith based groups, we are changing  the entire atmosphere of our community. In the few meetings that I have attended, I have felt the shift, both internally and externally. Although, the meetings went well, within a day or two, another act of violence has occurred. This is EXACTLY WHY WE NEED TO STAND UP AND STICK TOGETHER AS A COMMUNITY. These acts of violence, which have resulted in 6 murders, will lessen. They will NOT lessen if WE retreat into ourselves and our homes!

This is my City. I'm NOT RETREATING!

 God, please guide us to do what you would have us do. Give us the strength, knowledge and wisdom to do the right things for the right reasons. Fill us with a sense of belonging and community, so we can help each other. Thank you for giving us the eyes to see, the ears to hear, the voice to speak. Remind us all, that WE are here for a REASON! Amen

 Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.

Margaret Mead

Email to a Friend

Good morning,

Thank you for the prayers for myself and for the people with whom I was meeting. The meeting went well. I met with Deborah Bain, Deputy Attorney General, Assemblyman Jim Nielsen, and Yvette Lecuina from the Department of Justice, Crime Victims Services. We were able to get much accomplished. I will be contacting Chris Ward, Director of ICAN and Victim Action Alliance to discuss how she set up her program to train volunteers in assisting victims.

 We had 2 more murders 2 days ago. One shooting victim was 18 years old the other 24. This brings the total number of murders in Fairfield to four, just in the past 10 weeks. All four victims were between the ages of 18 and 26 years of age.  HORRIFYING!  I am appalled by the killings, and by the fact that not one of these murders have any suspects in custody. My heart is breaking for the family members who will get limited support from our local government because of "budget cuts"! This is so very sad and frankly, I am pissed off! I get it, though. WE have to stand up for EACH Other and help spread love and light. I feel empowered to help victims and their family members have their voices heard.

 If you would join me in praying for these mothers who just lost their son's. God, clear their minds and heal their hearts. Pray for our city and every other city, our country, and every other country. Heal the hearts and minds of the lost and confused. God, help us to realize that we must love one another to know real peace. We pray that there will come a time where there will be NO NEED for Crime Victim Advocates! Thank you, Amen

With love,

Teresa

My chattering mind

I reposted a video on my facebook this morning. It was a video that I first watched, last night, before going to sleep. It was an extremely moving and troubling video of the atrocities happening to children in Uganda.
I know that these horrible acts, that are being done to our children are happening in many places, Even Here! My reasoning for posting the video was NOT to support this one particular group called, invisible children.
My intent was to bring awareness to these horrible CRIMES that are happening to OUR children.
I know how easy it is to say, Let's take care of our own first!
But, Do WE?
 Sure, many of us try. By doing just this.... Posting a video. Placing quotes of hope and love on our social media pages. Volunteering to help wherever we can. These are all things that are absolutely making a difference in many lives.
 So, why is it than, that some people have to make it a negative thing? It is mind boggling to me to hear some people suggest that by the time a child is in the 3rd grade, their attitude and behavior will predict if that child will be in the bottom percentile. That child who grades are not above a C or their behavior is what THEY think it should be, will be the Child that is HIGH RISK.
Question? Are the people talking all of this negativity, volunteering to help mentor a child?
To the person/people who says: "all the homeless are drug addicts" Are you ensuring that our children don't become homeless drug addicts? Are you  uplifting these kids with positive messages and being a positive role model?
If world hunger disturbs you, when it is brought to the light. Do you give $5.00 a month to help feed a child?
Our words and actions are so powerful! We are here for a reason! I know this more now than I ever have. I'm sure that Matt's death has opened up a space in me, that was always there, but was semi closed off and in denial. I'm clear NOW! Each one of us can and do make a difference, if we choose to. I am so grateful to be filled with a passion of solutions not just the problems. God has given each one of us that passion.
God, thank you for clearing my mind and healing my heart.

Just keep moving!

I am about ready to go to sleep. This past week has been a bit hectic. Work has been crazy busy. I received a certified letter last Wednesday. It was from the prison where one of Matt's murderers is incarcerated. I put the letter in my purse and said to myself, "I will deal with this later". Well, later came yesterday.
 My daughter came home from work, she said that she needed to tell me something. I thought, OMG! What? She said that a girl who works with her, is the daughter of the woman who married, Henry Don Williams (Matt's Killer) AFTER he was incarcerated. This woman, who married Henry Don Williams, was there during the trial and even tried to sit in the same row with us! Maybe this is OK to some?  But, it was totally unacceptable to me.I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, Get the hell away from us!!!!!!!
 I know that the young girl, is NOT her mother. It's just so bizarre to me. Our family is constantly confronted with either, the Killers themselves, like Nicole Stewart, on 2 separate occasions. Or their family members. Sometimes I do want to move away from Fairfield. But, I can hear Matt saying, Mom come on, you have to stay and do what is right. It's true, this is my home. I was born and raised here, just like Matt and our 2 daughters. I will try to help make our city a place where people want to stay. This was Matt's hope. It is our hope too.

God, Please Clear my Mind and Heal my Heart

My path to Healing

I have had a lot of loss in my life, beginning with the death of my father before I even knew what a loss meant.

The loss of my grandmother, aunts and uncles, a babysitter, and several friends, all before I was 23 years old

Never did I or anyone else question that maybe I was acting out in self destructive behavior as a result of not knowing How to deal with or process any of the grief and loss I had already endured.

Coming into recovery April 6, 1990 was the beginning of the paths to healing for me. 

I began to work the 12 steps with my sponsor. I have also continued to journal ever since.

The murder of my cousin Kathy in April of 1999 was the most shocking and horrible situation I had, at that time, ever encountered. I immediately called my sponsor and everyone in my support group. The  horror of the manner in which Kathy died, had me paralyzed with fear. It didn’t take long for the anger to set in. I was mad at her, I was mad at me because I had been mad at her for relapsing.  I was mad at the savage way she was killed and discarded on the road. I was full of rage and hate for the Monster who did this to her. The court process was another nightmare which lasted for 8 long years. Kathy’s dad, my Uncle Red, died of lung cancer before his daughter’s killer was sentenced to 15 years to life in 2007. It was finally over! The nightmare had taken its toll on our entire family. I continued to share about Kathy and the disease of addiction. I emphasized the facts of where the disease will always take us: Jails, institutions and death.

 I was able through the 12 steps, a loving higher power, my sponsor and a wonderful support group, to channel my anger and emotions to help others. I remember watching a movie with my daughters Titled “Now and Then”, there was a scene where the old man everyone called “Crazy Pete” was speaking to one of the young girls in the movie, and He said,  “Things will happen in your life that you can’t stop, but it’s no reason to shut the world out”. That statement meant so much to me and I never forgot it.

The year 2007 was about to be a great year for our family. Kathy’s murderer was now in prison. The court dates were over. We were busy with a campaign. Our son Matthew Garcia was running for Fairfield City Council.  We were filled with Hope for our City’s future and for our son’s aspirations. We were ready for a change that would lift us all up. Myself, my husband Raymond, our daughters and other family and friends were all busy going out in our city to help get Matt elected. It felt so good to be busy doing something so positive and inspiring. On election night so many of us were gathered to watch the results come in. Matt had won the election! At the age of 21 he was the youngest City Council member ever elected in Fairfield. Being proud of Matt was an understatement. There were not any words to describe the joy and happiness I felt in my heart for this awesome young man. He wanted to make a difference in others lives.

Matt was 3 when his mom got to recovery. Matt and his sister Briana would come with me to meetings. They both knew that mommy was getting better.

When I met Raymond the kids were 4 and 2. We soon became a family. We were married in 1991. We moved to Hawaii in 1992 and lived there for a year. I became pregnant with our daughter TeaRae.  I was proud of our family and the way in which we were raising our children.  My life felt complete.

We watched our children grow and change. Matt and Briana were involved in the youth group at our church. We were also involved in a Homeless food Run. We would deliver food to different locations after church every Sunday. The kids loved to help hand out food. Matt would talk to everyone. He was a natural speaker. He was so charismatic. He asked a lot of questions and was genuinely concerned about people. Matt went on to high school and was in leadership. He was on the Armijo Baseball Team his junior year and was voted Homecoming King and Prom King the same year. Matt was a born leader.

On Sept. 1, 2008 (labor Day) I had taken my little cousin, Miles home around 1:30 in the afternoon. On my way back I drove by Grandma Chris’s house. This is where Matt was living. Him and his girlfriend of 3 ½ years had broken up before the election and he moved out of their apartment after the 6 month lease was up. He didn’t want to come back home because I was going to charge him rent.

Matt was talking on his phone when I came in. He was pacing and talking loud about one of the other council members who was having some legal troubles. I told Matt that I was leaving and he said for me to wait. I waited for another 15 minutes but he was still on the phone so I left.

Raymond and I started to make a labyrinth in our backyard that day. We worked on it all day. It finally started getting dark and I went in to shower and put my pj’s on. Around 8:45 the phone rang. It was my friend Teri. She asked how I was and I said good, and how are you? She said that she wasn’t sure but she thinks that Matt was shot in Cordelia! I immediately hung up with her and called matt’s phone. He didn’t answer. I started yelling and screaming for Raymond. Him and the girls came downstairs and began to scream too. I called the police depts. Non emergency number to find out what in the heck was happening. The dispatcher transferred me to the sergeant’s line. No one answered! I called the dispatcher again and she connected me to an officer who said he was on his way to pick us up. He wouldn’t say anything to me. It seemed like forever until he arrived. Some of the family members had already found out that Matt was in route to John Muir trauma Hospital. Uncle Mark and Maria came by and picked up Tearae to drive with them. We also had our Friend Dale Ray living with us in Matt’s old room. Dale Ray was in stage 4 with cancer. The ride to the hospital seemed like forever. I was calling people and asking them to pray. We knew now that Matt was shot but we didn’t know anything about his condition or what part of his body was hit. The traffic was bumper to bumper with drivers returning from a long Labor day weekend. I finally asked the officer, what happened to my son? He said,  "All I know is that he was shot in the head”. I felt like every fiber of my body stopped. It felt like everything went blank. Nothing would ever be the same and I knew that in that moment.

I don’t remember saying anything after that. When we arrived at the hospital it was already packed with people. The mayor and the council members were in the emergency waiting area. So many of Matt’s friends were already there too. The news spread so fast. I’m not sure how long we were there before the emergency doctor called us in. My boy was on the ventilator and he had blood in his ear. His face looked beautiful like it always did. The doctor explained that Matt’s wound was DEVASTATING! What did that mean?

They would soon be moving Matt to ICU . When I went to see him in the ICU the blood in his ear was cleaned up and he looked beautiful. Another thing I remember about that night, was that we were once again in the ICU waiting room where we had been years before due to a DEVASTATING car accident that my good friend Melissa’s dad Thomas, did not survive. Here we were again, almost all of the same people in that same room.

The following morning the ICU doctor informed us that Matt’s brain stem was severed by the bullet which bounced around in his head and did even more damage. Matt’s brain was dead but his body was still alive. Matt looked like an angel. My little boy who had been so full of life and love was not there anymore. It was impossible to be alone with Matt because he had around the clock detectives at his bedside, his killers were still on the loose.

I was in a dreamlike state that I am unable to articulate. A grief like no other. I was not able to grasp anything that was happening. I only know that I was so very scared and concerned for our daughters. Briana was very vocal and open in her anguish. Tearae was quiet and subdued. There was so much media and so many people everywhere. I had no idea or concept of how to move through any of it? Matt was an organ donor. This was our next hurdle. Of course this is what he wanted but oh my god I haven’t even dealt with the fact that my son was shot! He is brain dead now we have to talk about which of Matt’s organs or all of them will be donated? I guess it all went so fast.

The hospital gave us a huge auditorium space to gather. We wanted all of Matt’s family and friends be able to come and say goodbye. This was when I finally realized that my only son was not physically with us any longer. My heart was shattered. The despair and helplessness I felt was overwhelming me. There was absolutely no way of getting out of this.

One of the first things that my husband did when we arrived at the hospital that unforgettable night was to ask everyone to circle up and hold hands and he prayed for all of us. He prayed for healing for Matt he prayed for Matt’s friends and family for no one to cause more violence He reminded us all that we must not react with more violence. I believe this prayer absolutely changed the hearts of many that night. Matt wanted an end to the crime and violence in our city. He had just spoke about an 18 year old kid getting shot and killed a month or so earlier. The irony of it all has been hard to grasp. But, this is exactly what gave me the courage and strength to get up and do something. My mind and body wanted to stay in bed and never open my eyes again. But my heart and soul knew that Matt would want me to be here for his sisters and to continue to help others. Sometimes I literally heard Matt say “ Mom, come on, get up” and so I did.

When the shooter was captured and all 3 were in custody I had some slight relieve. Knowing that they were not out there shooting up someone else’s child. When the DA decided to allow the driver who was the shooters 9 months pregnant girlfriend go with being charged with any crime My anger really set in. I am still processing these feelings. I find healthy was to release my anger. It is $25.00 to go to the shooting range and hit a target with a 9MM

 I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to be civil to anyone again.  Having had several emotional outbursts I thought I was going crazy. But I wasn’t…I am a mom who lost her son to a crime of murder.

Today, I am telling my story. The feelings of devastation and loss haven’t left me. I am learning to live with them. I have learned to be patient with myself and be good to myself. I don’t compare my grief with others. Everyone is Unique and our grief is our own. I treasure all the memories I have of Matt and I share them with others, and others share their memories of Matt with me. I surround myself with a loving support group. I keep a journal and write about my thoughts and feelings. And #1. I Don’t get loaded, NO MATTER WHAT!

 Matt’s friends and family wanted to do something that would honor Matt and continue to do the work in this community that he wanted to do. We started a non profit called The Matt Garcia Foundation. Our mission statement is : Support Youth, Stop Crime, and Strengthen Our Community. We have donated our time money and resources to help others. I am proud of the work that we do. I know that Matt is proud too. 

Resting my head

This windy day is quite possibly the reason for my awful headache. The motrin isn't working! I am staying home today to rest my head. Taking care of my well being is what I have to do. It has been very interesting to notice the state I get myself into when I am at work! I have to continuously remind myself that I can do only what I have the ability to do. I believe that being of service to others, is my calling. Although, it is not JUST MY CALLING! I am not responsible for what others Do or Do Not do!

“If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.” – the Gospel According to Thomas

Wow I had just typed two paragraphs, and they just got erased! I'm not sure how or why that just happened?  I'm going to take it as a sign!

I was sharing about my Valentines Day and how my husband handmade me a card. The card was so cute and hilarious. He even made a portrait of me! LOL Love that man

We went to dinner at Jelly Belly for the Mission Solano annual Valentines Gala. This year they had a comedian. He was a funny guy although not everyone thought so. Especially after he dropped the F-Bomb!  The entire room gasped when the comedian allowed the F word to fall out of his mouth. I felt sorry for the guy. But I couldn't help laughing. AWKWARD!
 I don't understand how he didn't realize, right when he entered THAT room, that this was NOT PepperBelly's comedy Club, It was the Jelly Belly Factory holding a gala for Mission Solano who's Mission and values are:

To minister the gospel of Jesus Christ to the homeless and needy of Solano County; to provide food, shelter, clothing, counseling, education and job skills training; to inform the public in caring for the poverty stricken.

He closed out his spot well! The evening was nice. I was glad to be there.

A day of sadness

I'm sitting here at my computer looking out the window, at this beautiful February day. The beauty of outside doesn't match what is going on in our community. My friend is burying her 20 year old son. He was shot and killed on the street which he lived with his family. My heart breaks for her and her family. I pray that God will Clear their Minds and heal their Hearts. I pray that the killer/killers of Jessie are found and brought to justice.  May God give us all, the knowledge, wisdom and guidance to move forward and continue to do the right things for the right reasons!

The days look different

Last night Raymond and I went to see our friend Lisa. Her 20 year old son was murdered on Wednesday night. There are no words to express the depth of pain I feel for Lisa. There is nothing to do to help lessen her pain. The most horrific and devastating thing that could ever happen, has happened to my friend Lisa. Her boy was murdered. Her entire world will be different now. Everything will look, smell, and taste different. Nothing will ever be like it used to be. And I am so PISSED off  about it!
I am so sick of people making horrible comments. I will pray that they never have to walk in her shoes!
God, Clear our minds and heal our hearts. I pray that God give the police and detectives everything that they need to find and prosecute the person/people responsible for Jesse's death. God, please guide Lisa and her family. Help us to help them. Please fill them with your strength and love. Amen

Moving forward

It's Monday again! I had a good weekend. Me and my oldest daughter went to see a great movie last Friday night. A group of awesome people, helped clean up linear park on Saturday morning. We all went to hear Raymond preach on Sunday and then to Sandy's 101 Omelets for lunch.
I did get an interesting email a couple of days ago. I made it a point to be clear in my words, without hurting anyone, and still, some people Will not or Choose not to HEAR it!
 It's OK though, I did my part. That is all that I have control of.

I am going to be speaking in February, on the Paths to Healing. Dealing with loss in Recovery. I am not a public speaker. To be able to speak for an hour in a half, may be a challenge. I am used to sharing my experience, strength and hope. Just not at length. I usually have 30 minutes, at the most, to share.
I am looking forward to speaking. If my story can help, even one person, not have to use any mind or mood altering chemicals, including alcohol, to deal with a loss, that is the REWARD! It's easy to escape pain through alcohol or drugs, but the pain WILL surface AGAIN! I know this because this is how I used to live.

 It has been nearly 22 years since I used anything to alter my state of mind. At times, especially the nightmare of my only son, Matt's murder, where I would have liked to not have had to FEEL any of this PAIN. The only problem is, that I ALREADY know, that I will have to feel it eventually! I do NOT want to have to deal with this horrific pain over and over plus the added pain of putting a mind or mood altering substance in my body.
So, Here I am! Living this life to the best of my ability. Praying for Peace and Comfort. Asking God to Clear my Mind and Heal my Heart on a daily basis. Praying for guidance and direction to where God would have me go and to do what God would have me do.

I am truly grateful for all of the love and support that we continue to be blessed with!

Totally Dumbfounded.....AGAIN!

 I waited and prayed for a full 24 hours before I decided to write about this.

 I had sent an email to the California Office of Victims and Survivors rights and services. I wanted to find out how the 2 convicted killers of Matt, Henry Don Williams and Gene Allen Combs have to pay their restitution? I want to make sure that they are NOT getting TV's and special treats from their loved ones. I was informed that the killers can have money added to their books under another inmates name and there isn't a way of tracking this! I also found out that the CDCR(California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation) didn't have any of my information on file?

  OMG, the paperwork was filled out after Matt was murdered and then more paperwork after the trial. This is part of the reason that I was never contacted about the appeal process that is moving forward. 

WOW, talk about a BROKEN SYSTEM! Had I not taken the initiative to email the California Office of Victims and Survivors Rights and Services on the CDCR website, I would have never known! 

I have faxed them more paperwork yesterday and hope to hear something soon. Like, Yes Mrs. Courtemanche we have all of the paperwork! 

Again, I feel sadness and anger for the families who do not have the information or knowledge to move through this CRAZY System. What is even more disheartening, is the fact that these murderers have more rights and information given to them than the victims and the victims family members! This is DISGUSTING! I will continue to follow up when and wherever I need to. 

I thank God for opening my eyes today. For giving me wisdom and knowledge. Thank you, for directing me to go where You would have me go, to speak to the people that You would have me speak to, and for the EARS to hear with.

Matt, I will continue to help others. I love and Miss you so much.

I will keep moving forward

Living in this Moment

It is nice to finally have some rain. Driving Miles to school this morning, with the windshield wipers on, just felt good. He loves the rain too. It is especially nice because it's Friday! We can relax in the house this weekend, without worrying about driving to and fro in the wet weather, that we so desperately need. I am looking forward to a weekend in the house with my sick family. Rest, Relax, and Renew.

My last couple of blogs were about the anger and sadness that I feel when it comes to our "justice system". I had mentioned in my last blog that maybe MY issues with this system, was an opportunity for me to step up and do something! I made the call to the Crime Victims Department in the D.A.'s office on Tuesday morning. I stated that I would like to volunteer to help other victims families. I want to help make calls, when needed, to allow victims families to know, ahead of time, when a court date is coming up, or any changes that the victims or victims family need to be aware of.  I'm not just about complaining about what is wrong with our system, I'm about trying to be part of the solution. I have not heard back from the D.A's office yet. I look forward to being a help to other families struggling through the unthinkable.

When I returned to work this past Tuesday, I was excited to see that we had an intern working with us. I introduced myself  to the lovely and eager young woman. We started talking and I soon found out that her twin sister was the woman who was murdered in her garage, just 4 short months ago. She had 4 children that are now left without their mother.  I know that God placed us together for a reason.

 God, I pray, Please Clear their Minds and Heal their Hearts! 

Now, it is time to get ready for my work day. I feel like I am living in each moment. I am truly grateful to God for opening my eyes and my mind. I will continue to ask for guidance to go where God would have me go. To place the people and situations, in my life, that YOU would have in front of me. Give me the words to speak and more importantly give me the EARS to Hear. AMEN

A new Day!

 I am feeling somewhat rested, even though I fell asleep on the couch. My mind was going in a million different places all day yesterday. I made the decision to stay home and try to relax. I didn't want to put myself and my funky mood around anyone else. So sorry that my husband happened to be the one! Quickly thereafter he got out of dodge!
I was just reading the many comments from my blog yesterday. I am so blessed to have you all in our lives. You all are so special to me and our family. God does have a plan and I truly believe THAT! Although, I do get  turned around at times, and it sometimes takes a minute to regroup, I always know that God has THIS!
Like my cousin Maureen posted, We have been through all of this before. My cousin Kathy (Maureen's sister), was murdered here in Fairfield in 1999. Our family went through 8 years of Mack West claiming innocence by reason of insanity. Finally in 2007 he was sentenced to 16 years. One year later, Matt was murdered.
Those 8 years of going in and out of court brought similar thoughts about our Justice System. There were many times we would not get a call about a hearing, and then read about it in the paper. I would write letters to the editor, and complain to the victim rights advocate, and the D.A's office. But, it continued to happen. And, it continues today.
I totally believe that you are innocent until proven guilty. YOU BOTH  have been found Guilty! Why?  Because YOU killed my son Matthew. PERIOD end of Story. Do your time. None of this will bring Matt back to us.
I'm sure the 2 killers are pissed that the 3rd person (the driver Nicole Stewart) was NEVER charged with ANY CRIME Whatsoever!YEAH, I'm still pissed and outraged by that fact! CRAZY!  None of this will change the fact that our family has been forever affected.
One thing that has changed for us, is that we will not just sit back and allow injustices to continue to happen without opening our mouths and voicing the outrage.
I understand that due to the economy we have fewer victim advocates. I'm just wondering....how much time does it take for someone, anyone, to pick up a phone and say?....... Just wanted to let you know that the appeal process for the killers is happening NOW, so you will probably begin to see things in the newspaper. Less than 1 minute. That is all the time it would have taken!
Maybe God has just revealed to me my calling? I will pray about it.

Our Crazy System

I logged on to the DR last night and this is what I found! CRAZY

Appeals for councilman’s killers move forward

Matt Garcia

FAIRFIELD — After languishing for more than a year, the appeals of murder convictions for the killers of Fairfield City Councilman Matt Garcia in 2008 moved slowly forward this past week.

Henry D. Williams, the man who shot Garcia in a case of mistaken identity, was ordered Wednesday to have his written appeal to the Court of Appeals in San Francisco by Feb. 9.

The appeal of Williams’ accomplice, Gene A. Combs, is due to the court Feb. 6.

Both killers started their appeals in 2010, after juries found them guilty of murdering Garcia.

While transcripts and case records for Combs’ appeal were received by the Court of Appeal in March 2011, attorneys wanted more information about the court proceedings. This week they received additional documents, such as the jury seating chart, the questionnaires of potential jurors and any juror notes penned during deliberations.

In separate jury trials in 2010, Williams and Combs were convicted of murder. Williams was sentenced to 50 years to life in prison. Combs got 25 years to life in prison.

Williams and Combs had gone to Cordelia seeking a drug dealer who had stiffed Combs for $50 in a methamphetamine buy earlier in the day. As the pair drove from the dealer’s home on the night of Sept. 1, 2008, Williams saw Garcia drive past and thought it may be the dealer. He fired several shots toward Garcia, striking him once in the back of the head.

Attorneys handling appeals frequently ask and typically receive additional time and extensions of deadlines.

Another Adventure

My oldest daughter and I took a ride to Bodega Bay yesterday. The day was perfect. The sun was bright the sky was blue and the temperature was in the 60's.  We decided to stop at a little cafe and have a bite to eat. I also wanted  Bri to have some green tea with Ginger and honey, to soothe her stomach. We then went to the little store, next to the cafe, and bought some salt water taffy. It was AWESOME!
We decided on a spot to sit on the beach. It was actually in a cove area with high rock behind us. It was like an open cave. It was obvious that this was a popular spot. We noticed some beer bottles and a man made fire pit. We then noticed a sandwich baggy filled with something green. We were wondering if  it was a baggy of marijuana! When I moved the baggy with my foot, the scent coming from it, made the discovery of the weed undeniable. The baggy was fairly full, so we both knew that someone would definitely be searching for their lost weed.
We quickly gathered our things and moved on to a new spot to sit. We took lots of pictures and talked for a while. I just could not stop thinking about that bag of weed, which was sitting there in plain site for anyone, possibly kids, to have access to.
On our way to the car I suggested that we go back to the baggy of weed and bury it. We did!
We piled lots of sand over it. I'm not sure if anyone will come back to possibly look for it, but if someone does, they will have to do a lot of digging to find it!
Thank you for the adventure. I love to be near the ocean. It stills my soul.

Humbled

I woke up this morning feeling so grateful for this past weekend. I had the honor of being with a group of amazing women. I was able to let go of some beliefs and old thoughts that I have hung onto for years.
My life is full of love and joy. I only have to be able to OPEN my Heart, Mind, and EYES to see.
Spending some time with my youngest daughter, last night, was wonderful. She makes me laugh all the time. Now I'm wishing that I would have let her paint my toenails at 10PM! I'm thinking, that I will go wake her up now and see if she would like to paint them? LOL
 Today I will be spending some time with my oldest daughter. We are going to the ocean. It is a calming and healing place for both of us. I am blessed to have the most amazing kids!
God, has given my so much. I am blessed beyond words!

Another beautiful day!

I have been trying to "will" this cold away for a couple of days now....It's not working. My cough seems to be getting worse and I have the typical runny nose and headache. This has been my first week back to work after 15 days. My immune system seems to be shot.
 I will continue to take the medication to suppress my symptoms and pray that this ends before tomorrow evening. I am going on a women's retreat for the weekend. I am so looking forward to this time.

I was looking on my daughters facebook page and came across this quote: I LOVE IT!

Favorite Quotations

“This is what you shall do: love the earth and sun, and animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence towards the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown, or to any man or number of men; go freely with the powerful uneducated persons, and with the young, and mothers, of families: read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life: re-examine all you have been told at school or church, or in any books, and dismiss whatever insults your soul.”
-Walt Whitman

Have a wonderful day!

Is this January?

It is a beautiful Wednesday morning. I have a hard time believing that it's January 4, 2012 when the sun is so bright. The last couple of days have been gorgeous. I had to take the car through the car wash this morning. That just seems weird to me. I am grateful for the sun, although I know that we need the rain. The sun just has a way of helping my attitude!

I went back to work yesterday. It was very busy in the pharmacy. But, it felt good to have a routine again. I am   so grateful for my job and my awesome co- workers.
I still have a couple of things of my mothers to take care of. Like a bill we just received from the hospital yesterday. They are charging us for her 4 day stay? Anyway, I know that God has a plan. I am so grateful to everyone for all the love and support shown to our family.

Little Miles went back to school yesterday. I have been worried about how he is dealing with this? He has had several losses in the last few years....2 grandmothers, his grandfather, his cousin Matt, and now his I.E. ( he couldn't say Aunt Anne when he was little, so he called mom I.E.). I informed his teacher so she could keep an eye on him too. We talk with Miles a lot about death and heaven and sickness. He is an amazing kid!

As for me, I am once again re-evaluating what I am doing? I want to really get focused on MY PURPOSE for being HERE! I want to try and find a balance. LOL I'm not very good at that!
 I will continue to ask God to Clear my mind and Heal my heart. To guide me to wherever I'm supposed to go and do whatever it is I'm supposed to do. God, give me the words to speak, the eyes to see, and the ears to hear.
Amen

Feeling peace

 I have been talking about the last couple weeks of moms life, but I haven't really written them down. 

  Mom wanted to make sure that all 3 of her children were OK. Mom was very happy that Tonya was happy with her new love, Justin. She was excited that Tonya was in her new apartment in Santa Cruz.

 Mom would not move in with us until  she knew that Tonya was secure. 

She was happy that Terry is happy in his life.

This information is incredibly healing to me. Mom knew she was at the end of this life. She was making sure that everything was in place before she gave herself permission to go. My mother was always a strong determined woman. Oh and a bit stubborn. 

I know that I was given a huge gift. The last week or so with my mom was the most rewarding for me. About a week before she was hospitalized, I had blogged about how grateful I was, to be able to move her into our home and take care of her. I shared how the years of resentment that I choose to carry, was now gone. Everything we did and everywhere that mom and I went, was effortless, that last week. Mom got her hair done 2 days before her procedure , that she never came home from. We took Christmas pictures with her the day before. Her and I had coffee each morning when she woke up. She loved having coffee in the morning. We got to watch the finale of Survivor that Sunday night. 

I was given the gift of telling my mom that she was a great mom, that I loved her so much, and to not be scared. I asked her to tell Matt that I love and miss him so much.

My life is good. Thank you God!

The path that God has given me to walk along, is a healing one. I get to feel all of these feelings.

 I get to embrace each moment.

God has a plan for each one of us. I am eternally grateful to be HERE to LIVE this LIFE.

 I pray each day to remain Open to whatever God has for me to See, to Do, to say, and to Hear.