Friday, December 30, 2011

Just what I needed this morning

I have been sitting here in front of the computer for over an hour. I posted the facebook quotes and was searching my mind for something to write. I feel emotionless at the moment. We laid mom to rest yesterday in a beautiful service with many of her family and friends. It was emotional but at the same time, it was so beautiful. She is finally with my dad. The love of her life. I am so grateful that she is not in pain and is no longer suffering. Her life was full of loss and yet she remained funny and so loving all the way till the end.  I have been going through facebook and just came across this Maya Angelou quote. I had to repost it because it was exactly what I needed to read at this exact moment. Thank you God for giving me so much love, peace, and comfort. I'm filled with gratitude knowing that this place here on earth is NOT our final resting spot. I look forward to being with my family and friends who are already free of every care and all pain.

“I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” 
― Maya Angelou

Monday, December 26, 2011


This Monday morning I am once again examining my life Although, I can see the sun shining through the blinds, I know that it is extremely cold outside. I am in my warm safe house but I feel sad right now.
 Miles is asleep on the couch next to the Christmas tree. I want today to be a regular normal day but it's not. It's Monday Dec. 26, 2011. My mom died on Friday. Christmas was yesterday and things are really different. My brothers children will be here this week. We will have a memorial service for mom on Thursday. I have been busy getting her things in order. My mind is saying....what in the hell is happening here? I just want this part to be done!
Mom suffered through her many health issues for a lot of years. She was tired and told us so. I was prepared for maybe a  few more years with mom. We had just finished bringing all of her belongings to her new home with us. I am truly grateful for the short time that mom was here.
It all changed again! 
This is Life! What we plan and what God has planned, are so different at times! 

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Christmas Eve morning I am up early again. I will not be getting ready to go to the hospital today, as I have since last Monday. Mom passed away yesterday at 12:42 PM. It was a decision that mom made long ago.
 She did not want to be kept on the ventilator. She was unable to breathe without it. The Doctors tried day after day to get her to breathe without the help of the machine, but she was too tired and weak. She wanted to go be with her husband, her brothers and sisters and little Matt. It was very difficult and painful for us. Although, we all knew that it was absolutely what mom wanted. My heart is broken yet again.
I was reminded of the words I had heard from my favorite author, Marianne Williamson. It is a blessing to be in the presence of the dying! I did and do feel blessed. I know that it brought comfort to mom to know that we were helping her transition from this life to the eternal life with God and all of the people she has loved and missed. I am sad for my loss and the loss felt by moms friends and family. I am also filled with peace knowing that mom is finally free of all the pain and suffering that her tired body had endured.
Rest in Peace Mom. I love you and we will all be together again.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Day 4

It's day 4 of mom being in the ICU at David Grant Medical Center. Last Monday I had taken mom in for a fistulagram. The Doctors also wanted to look at moms heart, (which is only working at 15%). They were not able to get an IV started in moms arm because all of her veins are shot. The IV was then started in her neck. The fistula gram was successful. When they began to go through her artery to do a cardiac catherization, her body started to fill with fluid from the IV in her neck. Mom could not breathe from all of the fluid inside of her. They then decided to intubate her. She was incredibly critical at this point. The Doctors inserted a chest tube to begin to remove all the fluid from her. She needed to have a transfusion and added fluids to her body. All of this extra fluid was causing her heart to work harder.
 Mom has now made it through 3 nights of this. Her body is tired. They have tried to remove the breathing tube but have not been successful. She hasn't been able to take in the amount of air needed to survive without the help of the machine. They will try again today.
Mom we love you so very much. We are so grateful that we took the beautiful Christmas pictures with you last Sunday. You are an amazing strong woman. I know where I get it from!
Thank you God for allowing me to be the daughter I am today.
I love you Mom

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Several Angels in my life

Again, I am up before the light of day. I  have already had a cup of coffee. As I'm sitting her typing, I see Miles asleep on the couch next to the Christmas tree. I made mom her favorite oatmeal and a cup of coffee. I can't help but feel blessed this moment. I have so much love in my life.
It feels good to have a purpose. I know that life can seem chaotic and a little scary at times. I have lived through some of those times. I now know that there is really nothing to be scared of!
Raymond and I were talking about some of the stupid things we did when we were young. I know that I for one, should not be alive to write about them now. I put so many people, who loved me, through much unnecessary drama, which I created on a daily basis. I thank God that I don't live like that today!!!!!
Today is going to be a day of clearing out the old to make room for the new. We will finish clearing out moms apartment and then cleaning it. Mom will be having surgery again tomorrow morning. I don't want her to have anything on her mind when she goes in. All the loose ends are nearly completed.

Another Blessed Day

Saturday, December 17, 2011

I can't believe that it is Saturday already! I'm up before the sun this morning. It feels great to have a little time with me.
 I am so blessed to be able to bring  mom into our home and care for her. It has been a bit challenging. I know that God has a plan. I feel sad that mom has lost a lot of control of the simple things she used to be able to do. I'm so grateful that she can express her frustration to me. She wants to do all of the things that she did before, but her body will not allow her to anymore.
Although, I get overwhelmed at times, I think about how overwhelming it is for her! Life takes us through all kinds of experiences. We can accept each experience and go with it....or we can resist each experience and be angry and resentful. I've tried it both ways....I will continue to choose the non resistance, go with it, attitude as best as I can. As long as I ask God to guide me I will be ok. 
I can choose to be the best me that I can be. I have to practice daily. Sometimes minute by minute. I often have to start my day over. The gift is, that I have the opportunity TO Start OVER in whatever moment I choose to.
I can see how our family has come together through all of our life experiences. We understand that each moment is a gift to do something awesome with.

God, Thank you

Thursday, December 15, 2011

It's a new day, and with it, many changes. Mom has moved in with us. The wheelchair ramps have been made. Her oxygen is in her room. She has all her belongings with her, again. We have already had several Doctors appointments. Today we will see the cardiologist for a pre-op to have a cardiac cath. Her heart is not doing good. We have made some arrangements to have a friend help me to do some of the daily duties of caring for mom. I now realize that my sister did a pretty good job, with her limited resources....
God has been so good to us all. I am finally free of the resentments that I carried with me for many years.
I feel blessed and honored to be able to help my mother.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Where do I go from here?: It's almost 1:00PM  and I am still in relax mode. ...

Where do I go from here?: It's almost 1:00PM and I am still in relax mode. ...: It's almost 1:00PM and I am still in relax mode. It feels so wonderful to JUST BE. The Matt Garcia Foundation Dream Team members and Fair...
It's almost 1:00PM  and I am still in relax mode. It feels so wonderful to JUST BE.
 The Matt Garcia Foundation Dream Team members and Fairfield Downtown Association had a great time yesterday, cleaning up downtown and removing broken lights from the trees, which line downtown Fairfield. Everyone was AWESOME! It always feels so good to be of service in any way.
After the clean-up, myself and my friend Cynthia, went to the Bombay Restaurant, and had a great meal.
We then headed off to Bodega Bay.
On the drive to Bodega, Cynthia asked me many questions about what my life was like as I was growing up? It was a life with many experiences, many in which a child should never have to deal with. I didn't know then, that these would shape me to become the woman that I am today! For this reason, I am grateful.
I am grateful also, because I get to reach out and relate to other women who are taking a look at their own lives and where they have been and where we wish to go from here!
I do know that GOD has a plan. I ask for guidance daily, and I receive it! Again, I am full of gratitude for that!
The gift that God has given me, is the gift of knowing. I have been able to walk with our daughters through this devastating tragedy. To be the Mother and person that our daughters could come to, and just cry or ask WHY? We all know that we will see Matt again. Actually, we FEEL his presence often. ONCE AGAIN, I AM GRATEFUL!
 I must say I REALLY DISLIKE that I belong to the Mothers of murdered children club! Although, AGAIN I have been given the opportunity to help other moms along this unbelievably painful journey. This is all part of the Life that I am living today.
 My purpose is to live this life in Peace, happiness, and to live it with love in my heart. To ask for help and guidance along this journey so that I can be a light.To be the mom that our daughters need. To be a wonderful and loving partner to my husband.
I thank God and the countless friends and family who continue to guide me and inspire me to move forward. Thank you for lending me your ears when I need to vent. For all of your support I am forever grateful.

Monday, November 14, 2011

This moment I am feeling at peace. I went to a wonderful meeting this evening. Each woman that spoke, had such a powerful message of hope and transformation. I do believe that the situations, which have happened in each one of our lives, absolutely can bring a shift in our perceptions and thinking. I know that has been the case for me. Before Matt was killed, I had been spending much of my time practicing meditation and prayer. I was building a strong relationship with GOD. I know now that God filled me up with His spirit so that I would be able to go to Him after Matt was shot and killed.

 My life is far from perfect. I have even created some extra chaos for myself, in the spending money department. But, I can honestly say, that I am at peace most of the time. I feel very connected to God. I have never doubted that God is in control. I truly know that each one of us is here for a purpose. My job is to continue to ask God for guidance and direction and then follow where He leads me. When I choose NOT to follow Him is when I create chaos for myself. Each moment is a chance to begin again. I feel so blessed to know this. I have the opportunity in this moment to be the best person that I can be. I can chose to be miserable and depressed and no one would blame me. I know that God did not bring me here to do that. God has me here to help others. I am confident of that. Clearly, through my life God has sent many to help me.

I'm grateful to the many many wonderful people who have touched my life. The people that God has placed on this journey with me are AWESOME! My children have been the 3 most beautiful gifts that God has given me.. Matthew, Briana, and Tearae have taught me what unconditional love really is. Thank you God!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

 I woke up this morning with the memory of this day 10 years ago. Matt was going to Armijo High School and was in Leadership so he needed to be there early, Briana at Dover and Tearae went to K I Jones. I was so shocked and freaked out when I saw what was happening. I didn't want to send the kids to school. Of course, Matt wanted to go! I called into work. A lot of people did that day. I stayed glued to the TV, crying and praying. Here we are 10 years later. So much has changed. The memories of the horror on that September 11, 2001 will be forever embedded into my memory. Life is so short and we are only here for a short time. Let us pray for and help each other however we can. A smile, a hand up, sometimes just an ear to listen.  God we pray for all of the thousands and thousands of families affected by the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001. We pray for clear minds and healed hearts. God, guide each and every one of us today and always.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

The never ending nightmare

It was 3 years ago tonight, that the worst nightmare a parent could have...Happened! I still can't believe that you are gone. Everything has been a blur since Sept. 1, 2008. We try to do what we know that you would want us to do. It's so hard. God this aching in my heart hurts so bad. I can't even breath sometimes.
I'm NOT Strong!
I'm a mom who struggles everyday to keep my sanity. I'm a mom who tries to be here for our girls. I'm a mom who wants my boy to visit me in my dreams, but it never happens. I'm a mom who wants to do the right thing for the right reason. I'm a mom who constantly asks WHY,WHY,WHY?
I'm a mom who sometimes thinks....God, what did I do that was so bad?

I know that God has a plan. I can't even try to imagine WHAT the plan could be, but I have to try to keep the faith. I struggle with remembering that God has called us all here. We are here for a reason. Some of us are here for a short time.

God please clear my mind and heal my heart.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

WOW is the only word I can think of

I had a phone call at 7:00AM this morning from a court reporter, who was supposed to have the transcript from the murder trial of Henry Don Williams, (the murderer of my only son Matt) ready for me to pick up at 8:30AM in Vallejo. She called to tell me that the transcript was not ready STILL.

 Let me just share my encounters with this entire situation. God please clear my mind and Heal my heart!

I first asked for the transcripts from both trials back in Jan. I received the transcript of the Gene Allen Combs trial, last March. The cost for that transcript was $322.98. Remember,  Gene Allen Combs trial was actually AFTER Henry Don Williams trial. I have several saved voice messages since Jan. from the court reporter for the Henry Don Williams transcript.With the reasons why she was not able to have the transcript ready. Finally, in June she called with the estimate of $677.60 for the transcript. I informed her that I absolutely wanted them please print them for me. She assured me that they would be printed. Another phone call later, she said she would not print them until I handed her a check for $677.60. I have left her  2 messages that I have the check and would like to come to Vallejo to pick up the trial transcript from the murder of my son. No return call. I was so frustrated that I called the D.A. and asked him to find out what is going on? This is the second time I have spoken to the DA about these transcripts and this particular court reporter. He called me yesterday and said that he spoke to her and that the transcripts are ready. I then called the court reporter and she answered this time! She then proceeded to tell me that her portion of the transcript was still not completed because she ran out of toner.....Wow Really? She said that they would be done this morning by 8:30AM. I woke up early to get ready to go to Vallejo. I had missed a call at 7:00AM this morning. Guess who? YES, The court reporter. The transcript is STILL NOT READY. Why do you think that it has taken almost a year to have THIS particular transcript ready for me? The transcript had to be copied already anyway for the appellate court! From day one, since the murder of Matt, nothing has looked right!
God, fill me with peace and understanding.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Good Sunday morning!

It has been a while since my last posting. Our youngest daughter was hospitalized for several days. She is out now and doing much better. She had a terrible infection. Being at the hospital with another one of my children was scary, to say the least. I felt grateful that she could communicate with us, unlike Matthew. I was constantly praying for God to remove all the negative thoughts that continued to try and barge their way into me. It WORKED! Thanks God.

Along with the uncertainty of our daughters illness, we also had to deal with the knowledge of people coming out of the woodwork trying to claim the $50,000 reward money ( from our city) for information leading to the murder of our son, Matt.
One of the many people vying for the reward money, actually called me. He wanted to assure me that he was a friend of Matt's and he was very deserving of the money. Oh and also that his family could really use the money since they just recently lost their house. I hung up on him. Yeah, I lost my only son to violence....I really don't care about your house dude! Oh and by the way, he never testified at the trial, He said he feared for his life and his family lives. Although, he didn't seem to have any problem filling out a application for reward money. His name will be made public!

Just some things that make me go....huh?

Aside from all of that garbage, which in the big scheme of things, doesn't really mean much of anything, we feel so blessed to have our youngest daughter home and getting well. Our oldest daughter is doing fantastic.  We know that God has a plan. We believe that we are here for a reason!  We will continue to allow God to guide us and give us the words to speak, the eyes to see, and the ears to hear whatever HE would have for us.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

GOD, give me Clarity and Wisdom

I am sitting here at the computer once again. I have looked up the inmate address for Gene Allen Combs. I feel the need to write to him. I want to know what else he wanted to tell me before he was sent to prison? The one and only letter that I received from him was from Oct. 5, 2010, the day after he was sentenced to 15 years to life for his role in my only son's murder. He had a lot to say about what really happened on the night of Sept. 1, 2008. I want to hear what he has to say face to face.

 I am so very grateful to everyone in my life today. Our family is so fortunate to have the community of love and support that we have. I wish that all of the love and support could heal my heart. 
Things just continue to pop up and I continue to ask GOD, "What do you want me to do with this"? 

A couple weeks ago I was informed that some of the reward money (from Matt's murder) would be given to several individuals. I had never heard this before? I asked WHO would be given the money? There are 2 people that I absolutely believe should be given the reward money. Then there are a few that I can not believe were even considered to be given ANY reward money! This nightmare never ends. The irony of this reward money situation is, Some criminals will be rewarded with cash for their help...(even though 1 of them was supposed to testify in the trials, but decided not to). and I have to pay the County over $1000 to have copies of the transcripts from both trials of the men who killed my only son. WOW, Really?  So, I will continue to voice my outrage at a system that allowed the driver of the car of murderers, to go free with ZERO consequences for her role in my son's murder. I will continue to voice my outrage at a system that allows the victims families to be victimized over and over again to protect the rights of murderers and criminals...and even reward.
 God, help us all.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Another Sunday

I received a email this morning from my cousin Victoria who lives in Ohio. Our Uncle Joe passed away last night.
The email instantly sent a load of memories to my mind. I will always remember Uncle Joe as a kind but stern man. He was hilarious. He reminded me of Fred Flintstone! LOL.
 He had helped me get out of a situation during a dark time of my life.
 I will always cherish that memory.
I called my mom to let her know. She now has only 1 sibling left, out of 10, Her oldest brother, Uncle Mart.
 I love you mom, and I'm so sorry.
It is so difficult to grasp the finality of death. I don't believe I will ever be able to process that idea!
In my opinion, we don't die.
 I feel Matt around me constantly. I believe, that I have let him go.
But, does that mean that when I smell his cologne or feel his presence...that I am allowing my mind to play tricks on me? NO, I believe that when we die, our bodies leavebut our spirits are all around us.
If I remain Open to God and to the flow of life. I GET to feel and see things. I am truly Blessed. I thank God each and everyday for the AWESOME gifts that HE continues to give me.
I will continue to pray for an open and clear mind and a healed heart. I will ask GOD daily to give me the ears to hear, the eyes to see, and the heart to feel. Guide me to where YOU would have me go. Place me in the situations that You would have me in. And, give me the words that You would have me speak. God Bless each and everyone of us on this day and everyday.
 Remind us of who WE are! Allowing our light to shine.


Sunday, April 17, 2011

How do WE keep it together?

Here I am again, laying in my bed with my computer. The last couple of days have been extremely difficult for me. I continue to do what I always do. I wake up, pray, read something inspiring to help motivate me, and then I post a couple quotes on my facebook pages. But, I am still unmoved and unmotivated.
My soul never stops aching. I feel very tired in my mind and body.
 I pray for a clear mind and a healed heart daily. There is always a deep pain and loneliness that never ceases.
The girls seem to be doing ok. My God, how I have tried to make sure that I have been there for them. Will I ever really know? Will the girls ever really know what this nightmare has done to them? None of us will ever be the same again.
How do WE keep it together?  I will continue to pray for a clear mind and a healed heart. God, guide me in the direction that you would have me go. Fill me and our family with the strength and perseverance to continue to move forward. I do have faith that God has a plan. I just get tired.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

God, Clear my Mind and Heal my Heart

It's a little after 9:00AM the house is still quiet. The sun is out and the sky is clear. I am trying to stay in this moment. My thoughts are all over the place....what to do first, where am I going today. I need to find this book that I have been looking for. It's in the garage in a box. If I go in the garage to look for it, I will have to move and go through some of Matt's things. I know I should...but, I just can't bring myself to do it! Oh my God, is my heart ever going to heal, even a little? I always feel so lost. I just keep going, going, and going. I don't know where I am going but I just think that I CAN"T stop moving or I will die. Have I failed my girls because of my grief?
God, Please clear my mind and heal my heart!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

A New Year

My God is good, He understands. He's always here to hold my hand.
He has shown me things, I can't explain.
Today I can feel love, instead of pain.
My life has changed in every way, all because I've learned to pray.
My eyes are open now; I am ready to do Your will.
Continue to give me the strength to keep walking up this hill.
Sometimes my mind gets cluttered with thoughts of the negative.
But there you are again, to remind me how to live.
Love is the answer, there is No other.
I know this now, so thank you for making me a mother.
I want my children to know, that they mean everything to me.
Remembering that God is the only answer to being free.
There is always more to learn. I try and write down everything that I can.
All my thoughts, my feelings, which help me understand, that the dramas, and pains in my life, are all part of the plan.
God didn't cause the devastation, although, it's up to me, to go to Him for salvation.
This life is a series of lessons. God help me make them into blessings.
I thank you God for pulling me out of the gutter. I get it now, all of us, do matter.
I will keep walking with my head held high. Knowing the truth.... We never really die.
God put us all here for a reason. Let us step up to the plate, this is OUR season.

Love and blessings to you all,