Love instead of Hate

I woke up later than usual this morning thinking about the dream or rather the nightmare that I had.
I usually try to talk/write about the dreams I have to take the power out of them. I didn't do that this morning. I just popped up and began my morning routine which consists of my husband bringing me a zeal and then a cup of coffee in bed. He's the best!

I watched a movie on Amazon Prime last night called, Peppermint. It stars, Jennifer Garner. She is with her family at a Christmas carnival in their town on December 21st which also happens to be her little girl, Carley's, birthday.

The three of them are shot by some gang/drug cartel. Riley North (Jennifer Garner) wakes up in the hospital. Her husband and little daughter are dead.

I hated watching this but I couldn't stop watching at the same time. The judge let the three gang members/murderers go.

When Riley North realized that the men who gunned her family down would now walk free It ignited something deep inside of her. She wanted justice.

For the next five years, Riley went off the grid. In those years she trained in everything from Martial arts to cage fighting and learned how to use many different assault weapons.

The story went on to show how Riley used violence to get the justice she so wanted. I don't agree with violence but I found myself cheering for her from the comfort of my bed.

This brings me to why I'm sure I had the dreams/nightmares that I had. Just the day before this I had started to read through all of my journals. I was quickly reminded of all the injustice that we and other families have had to and continue to deal with.

I even had an entry in one of my journals about how a few of my friends had met with a couple of cops to talk about the murder of Matt. Two of the officers proceeded to tell them that they still believed that Matt was affiliated with gang members (as he sat on the city council). Really? Are you kidding me? That just pissed me off all over again!

I also came across an entry where Matt's murderer had printed up all my facebook posts while he was in county jail. I was livid that he was allowed to do that! The more I read the angrier I became.

 It was clear to me, ONCE AGAIN, that victims and the victims family have no rights. The rights are reserved for the perpetrators!

The years of court hearings and Matt's killer having the "right" to file motions for new trials, change in venue, requesting another attorney (on several occasions), representing himself, and so on. This went on for years.

I was always told, that if we didn't give him those rights he could come back and appeal. What are you saying? He still came back time and time again even after being denied. How many appeals does a murderer get? My son is dead! We didn't get to appeal anything. We just had to keep showing up to court, looking at this killer, and wondering how is any of this reasonable and acceptable. What about our boy, Matthew?

The story of Riley North, was just that, a story, making a good movie. The story of Matthew Garcia is our life. What happened to him, even while sitting on the city council, and then ten months later, being shot in the back of the head on Labor Day is a real life story of justice gone wrong.

Over these last ten plus years I have been in training too. I have been learning to master forgiveness and empathy. I've been training in research for victims. I've become somewhat of an expert in tenacity and perseverance. I've learned to use my voice to help those who can longer speak. My passion is to help others maneuver through the madness of not only having to deal with the murder of our children but the unrelenting madness of our system.

 Reminding myself on a daily basis that even though I don't physically see justice happening and that justice will be even harder to see with the new law SB 1437 I have to keep the faith that one day justice will be served.

Madness

I woke up this morning and knew that I had to write. My mind is all over the place. It jumps from one thought to the next in overdrive. These past few weeks have been a series of events that have me excited and hopeful one minute, then angry and scared the next. I can't seem to get a handle on my jumbled thoughts.

On January 2, 2019 a new law went into effect. Senate Bill 1437. It's a complicated law that will help those who have been charged with felony murder who were unwitting participants in the actual crime. Those unwitting participants will no longer be charged with a felony murder charge as they could have been before this new law. I get that! 

What this law does not do and who it doesn't protect is the victims' and their families.  Actually, the only reason myself and several other victim's families are even aware of this new law is because one of the mother's of a murdered son is in our Homicide Survivors Group which meets once a month. The new law has thrown the case of the four accused in her son's murder into a mistrial. 

This brings me to another issue that I have personally been dealing with for the last almost twenty years. My cousin, Kathy was murdered in April 1999. She was stabbed over fifty times and her body was dumped on Cherry Glen Road. That in itself is heinous enough, Right? 

The horror that followed with the "system" enhanced the heinousness of what happened to Kathy ten-fold. 

For eight long years Kathy's murderer was here in Fairfield at the county jail. He did a couple of stints at Atascadero due to the fact that he would act out in crazy ways during court proceedings and the defense attorneys would file motions for him to have mental evaluations at these different facilities. 

Again, this went on for eight years.

Here is my big issue aside from all of the madness our family suffered through with Kathy's murder and the eight years of court proceedings that followed.

Many times our family was not informed of court hearings or motions that had been filed. This is the job of our appointed Victim's Advocate under the District Attorney's Office. This continued to happen throughout the eight years before Kathy's murderer was FINALLY sentenced in 2007 to fifteen years to life for her murder. 

My son, Matthew Garcia, was murdered in 2008. Here we are again, our family has had to deal with the murder of Matthew, our beloved son, brother, grandson, cousin, nephew, and friend.

AGAIN,  Our family is Not being informed by our court appointed victims advocate, of court hearings/motions filed.

I understand that this is a systemic issue. In twenty years and three district attorney's later and the problem is still very significant. 

I hear from many victim family members on a regular basis about this huge issue. This problem of non-communication has perpetuated the feelings of lack of trust within our JUDICIAL SYSTEM!

I'm not stuck on the problem. I am all about how can we help get to a solution? How can we help out our VICTIMS ADVOCATES and the District Attorneys Office? 

Finding out about this new law by a fellow grieving mother instead of being informed that this law was coming down the pike, from our District Attorney/victims advocates, again, is just WRONG!

I still have yet to hear from anyone in the D.A.'s office concerning this new law? I find this disturbing.

Matt's case is  just one of the many cases that will be affected by this new law. You would think that SOMEONE, ANYONE in the system, would have made a simple phone call to say this is happening?

I just received an envelope in the mail from the District Attorneys Office. My heart dropped when I saw it. I understand that one of the men involved in Matt's murder will benefit from this new law. He may be getting out soon. I thought that I was somewhat ok with it, because he was the one who turned the three of them into the police. Raymond and I even had a 4 1/2 hour meeting with him two years ago, at the prison he is housed in. 

My feelings quickly changed when I saw this letter from the D.A.'s office. I felt myself getting anxious.When I did finally open the envelope, it was a subpoena. I am being called as a witness in another case.

I felt instant relief that this wasn't a notice informing me that the man involved in Matt's murder is being released early. I thought I had worked through most of this. I thought that I had come to a place of forgiveness; not for him but for myself. Well, I guess not. 

The letter from the D.A. is letting me know that I am being called as a witness in another horrific crime which happened across the street from us. The fact that I am feeling glad about this, is an indicator that I am NOT OK with an early release for one of the people involved in the murder of my boy. 

It would be nice to have had this information about SB1437 when it was filed. It would still be nice to hear from ANYONE in the D.A.'s office. 

Myself and several other victims family members could have voiced our concerns before Jerry Brown signed it into law. 

I'm not sure that it would have mattered, But, AGAIN, WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN INFORMED! We have NO RIGHTS. Our kids are dead and we have absolutely no SAY ABOUT ANY OF IT. 

Yes, I am mad, sad, and scared. 

I do have so much to be grateful for. I have an amazing family and friends. I have been blessed with my little precious grandson whom I adore and want to protect from all this madness. 

It feels like we are always up against something! I'm not sure what any of this constant madness means? I do know that myself and many other victim's family's are tired of being placed on the back burner of a system that needs an overhaul.