I'm sitting in my backyard listening to the birds chirp and watching the hummingbirds fly back and forth from several hummingbirds feeders that I have spaced around the yard. I also put out some raw peanuts for the squirrels in hopes that they will stop digging in my plants. They have broken several pots and left a mess for us to clean up.
The air still smells of smoke and there is a haze that will be with us for a while I'm sure. The devastating fires which are still burning in hundreds of counties in California are horrific. We are also expected to have more thunder and lightning tomorrow. Since, the lightning is what sparked these fires in the first place, many of us are on edge.
As I am typing and looking around at the same time I am filled with gratitude. I have so much to be thankful for. The gratitude comes from a deep knowing and understanding of where I used to be and where I am now; physically, mentally, and spiritually, I even posted a picture of Matt with a forgiveness quote from Marianne Williamson this morning. I just felt that I needed to remind myself that one of the only reasons that I have so much gratitude is because I have been practicing forgiveness most days over many years now.
We are approaching the 12th anniversary of Matt's murder. Each year I write about where my head is. I think about Matt every day so really the date shouldn't mean anything but it does. I post the same pictures over and over. There will never be new ones. Matthew remains 22 years old forever. I wonder what he would be doing? Would he be married and have kids? Would he still be in politics? How would ours lives be different? These questions will not ever be answered and I know this, but, It doesn't stop me from asking them.
I miss his voice. I miss his laugh. I miss his smart remarks and his tender heart. I miss his obsession with his hair and the gel he used being EVERYWHERE! I miss how he kept his cars so clean on the outside but they were filled with paperwork, clothes, and gel containers on the inside. I miss him with every ounce of my being and always will.
I've learned so much about myself from my Matt's death. I've learned that I have to keep moving forward and I can't get stuck in the madness of this world. I've learned that it's really none of my business what others think of me. I've learned that I have to also LOVE with every ounce of my being. I've learned to ask questions when I don't understand. I've learned to place myself in others shoes so that I can learn to have empathy; EVEN in the most difficult situations. I thank my boy for leaving me these gifts in his absence. I love you!
The times that we are all living in now seem like a nightmare. I understand feeling as though I'm in a nightmare. I'm grateful again to know this feeling!
I do my best to have faith that my GOD is ever present. It's easier to believe it when I'm in nature; which today, happens to be my backyard.
Thank you God, for clearing my mind and healing my heart. Thank you for giving me the eye's to see, the ear's to hear, and the words to speak/write. Thank you for guiding my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. Thank you for filling me with your love, compassion, mercy, and grace. Help me to help others today and always.
Amen
