Reflection

On this 29^th day of December 2017, I can’t help but to reflect on the most significant and beautiful thing that has happened this year. Our eldest daughter and son-in-law became pregnant with their first child.

His name is Ansel. He was supposed to be here already. His due date was December 21-26^th.  He is taking his sweet time to make his appearance. We will continue to wait for this precious little boy. What other choice do we have?

Nothing prepares you for the emotional toll it takes to watch your child go through pain. It’s tough, as her mother, to witness my daughter hurting. Her pregnancy has been a difficult one.

I must also say that it’s been amazing to watch her as she maneuvers her way through each new obstacle. I’m proud of the woman that she is.

Being powerless to help my child is not new to me. It’s the most painful place to be. The difference between this life event and the one nine years ago with our Matt is that Briana will be ok. We will have the gift of a new human being to hold, care for, and love when this is all over.

I am beyond proud of the three amazingly loving, healthy, and beautiful children that God allowed me and my fantastic husband, Raymond, to grow with.  I thank God every day for giving us the honor of being parents to the three of them. 

Soon, I will be given the gift of being a grandmother to baby Ansel. Oh My God! I’m so excited and grateful <3

Thank you, God, for clearing my mind and healing my heart. Thank you for giving me the eyes to see, the ears to hear, and the words to speak. Please continue to guide my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. Amen 

Beautiful new adventures await

It's Monday, December 18th, 2017. I am currently sitting up nestled in my warm, cozy bed drinking coffee while thinking about my daughter, Briana who is about ready to give birth to our first grandchild. My heart is overflowing with excitement and joy at the thought of what our lives will look like on this beautiful new adventure.

Briana's due date is Thursday, 12/21/17 but for some reason, today's date; 12/18/17 has been on my mind for weeks now.
I texted Briana this morning to ask her how she is feeling. She feels like she is going to be pregnant forever. I remember feeling that way three separate times; Matthew, Briana, and Tearae.  Anyway, Ansel will get here when he is ready.

Saying this may sound kind of weird, but I have a picture in my mind of what I think Ansel will look like. I did the same thing when I was pregnant with our youngest daughter, Tearae. My prediction with her was reasonably accurate. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not psychic, although I do have a strong intuitive side. 

Here is how I envision Ansel's features; Olive colored skin, dark hair and lots of it, round face, small nose, beautifully defined heart-shaped lips (just like his Aunt TeaRae), big brown eyes, long fingers, and toes and a little pudgy body. He is simply adorable! : )

The holiday season has been rough for our family since the murder of our son, Matt in September of 2008.  My mother passed away on December 23rd, 2011 which made this month even more difficult.
 Ansel's anticipated December arrival has filled our family with a beautiful sense of hope and joy.

We are grateful to our beautiful daughter Briana and her fantastic husband William for choosing to bring this precious baby boy into all of our lives.

The emptiness that we feel for our loved ones who are not here to celebrate with us will never go away. We can't change what has happened. We are not able to go back and undo the devastation.  I do believe though that our loved ones are helping to ensure beautiful new adventures and special memories for us to cherish.

For this, I am eternally grateful.

Thank you, God, for clearing my mind and healing my heart