Twenty-six days ago today

I know, I know, these past 26 days I've only written, posted, talked, ate, slept, and breathed, Ansel. I literally can not help myself, and I don't want to.

Our lives have been incredibly blessed. I thank God and Matt for the gift of a clear mind and an open heart.

Most assuredly, Matthew's death has been the most horrific and devastating life experience ever. The unfathomable circumstances of Matt's death; murder; presented me with choices and decisions that I never really thought of before he died.

Making the decision to live each and every moment with gratitude. The decision to see the good in every situation.  Deciding to see the glass as half full instead of half empty. These are choices that I have the opportunity to make in every minute of every day; if I choose to. And honestly, some days I choose not to. The point is, I have choices; as we all do.

Today, because of the choices I've made, my heart is opened more than it's ever been. I feel things on a  much deeper level than I did before Matthew's death. I have compassion and empathy for others that was always there; but not like it is now.

My children are my world. I love the three of them more than words could ever say. I also know that I could have done better. I will always hold onto some guilt that I wasn't a better mother to them. I don't allow those thoughts and feelings to overtake me, but they are there nonetheless; a part of me.

Now, I have this incredible opportunity to be the best grandma EVER! The love that I have for our new grandson is like nothing I've felt before. I'm crying just writing about the love that fills my heart.

I have many things in my life that are still out of sorts. I can fret over them, or I can choose to see all the wonderful gifts that are here now right in front of my face. Today, I choose to love and see the gratitude at every moment.

God, thank you for clearing my mind and healing my heart. Thank you, for giving me the eyes to see, the ears to hear, and the words to speak. Amen

I don't want to miss a moment

It’s nearly 9:00 am, and I’m still in bed. Raymond opened the blinds in our room, and I can see the thick fog outside. I remember when I was little growing up in Fairfield and when the fog rolled in we knew it was winter time. I’m not sure why but for whatever reason this memory has stayed with me.

I have been spending my days and several nights since December 30^th, 2017 with my daughter, Briana and her husband Will and their precious newborn son, Ansel. My heart is beyond full of love for this amazing baby boy; my first grandchild. He is perfect!

Today at 1:23PM Ansel will turn thirteen days old. He has already changed so much since the day he was born. When he came out of his mother, and she placed him on her chest he was already raising his head.

I was astounded by his strength and alertness. Today he is even stronger and more alert. I don’t want to miss one moment of him.

I needed to have time off work to help Will take care of Ansel because Briana was so sick after her labor and then she caught a virus. I’m very grateful for my job that affords me this opportunity. I am blessed for sure.

I have to go back to work next week, and I know that the days, hours, and minutes will fly by. Ansel will be growing and changing at record speed. I don’t want to miss any of it.

I don’t want to take anyone, anything, nor any moments for granted. I want to breathe in each and every minute with openness and gratitude. I want to use all my senses to see, hear smell, feel, and taste all that this life has to offer.

I know that things are not all roses and rainbows. Trust me; I do realize this, as we all do, from our own life experiences. I found out last night that my brother’s step-daughters baby died. Our hearts ache for them. There are no words to bring them comfort. This is a loss that "time" will not heal. 

I also know that because of these very life experiences my world, my mind and my heart have opened more than ever before. I’m ready and willing to look for and be open to the beauty and grace that is all around me. It’s easy to see the chaos and havoc; it’s everywhere. The challenge, which has now turned into a practice for me, is to see the love, the beauty, the sacredness, the gratitude, the compassion, and the empathy that is everywhere as well.

God, continue to clear my mind and heal my heart. Thank you for giving me the eyes to see, the ears to hear, and the words to speak. Thank you for guiding my thoughts, my feelings, and my perceptions.

Amen