Sunday, November 25, 2012

The gift of Thanksgiving

I am enjoying my quiet time this beautiful morning. I have had a wonderful phone conversation with a dear friend. I am so thankful for the amazing people that I have in my life today. I am in awe at how a shift in my perception, a change in how I view the world and the people in it, can reveal so many miracles, that until this shift took place, I was unable to see! Thus is why my daily prayer is: God, guide me to where You would have me go. Give me the eyes to see, the ears to hear, and the words to speak. Clear my mind and heal my heart. And so it is, Amen

The last couple weekends have been filled with Amazing women from all over the country. We all met in LA for a huge conference to lift each other up in love and sisterhood. I have been lifted up emotionally, physically and spiritually from all of these incredible life expereinces. My thoughts about so many things that I thought were fact or should be's, are changing. I see myself opening up to, what is often called, the "Bigger Picture".

Many years before Matt was killed, I felt an inner shifting. I knew that Life is so much more than money, jobs, influence. All of which, are outside THINGS. I was on a journey from the moment I was born...I was just unaware for many years.

Although, this shift has definitely expanded since Matt's death. I have no more walls up. I am totally open to whatever God has in store for me. I am open to the experience and I am not attached to the outcome. I am the most vulnerable that I have ever been. This is the space where God can and will enter.

I have been sitting in quiet with the visiting forms that convicted murderer, Gene Combs, has sent to me. I want to go and see him and ask him questions about the night that Henry Don Williams, shot and killed Matt. I'm also not naive. I understand that Gene combs has nothing to lose by saying whatever he wants to me. I just have this inner knowing that i am supposed to do this.

One reason why I know that I am supposed to go and see Gene Combs, is because of what has taken place over these past few months. The people that have been placed in my life at just the right moment. I was speaking at a middle school several weeks ago. My husband and I had already had a meeting 3 months before this middle school experience, where we were asked to forgive this person who had a role in Matt's murder. At this middle school, the woman seated next to me, gave me a hand written note which said, "thank you for forgiving my son". This is how I know that God is leading me! This is my privilege of a lifetime.

Some people do not understand how I could be open to speak to and even consider to forgive these people who committed these horrible acts that resulted in my only son's death. I say, It's not for them, it's for me. It's for my children and it's for their children. We are all here for a reason. My hating someone is NOT going to bring Matt back. My feeling Anger and Rage is not going to Affect anyone but me and those I love and with whom I am closest to. Why would I want to do that? I don't! I want to heal and live this life in peace. Giving hope where it seems like there is none.


Sunday, November 4, 2012

Time to Heal

I'm another year older and I'd like to think that I am a bit wiser as well.
I had a wonderful Birthday with my girlfriend, Laura. We went to San Diego to spend a couple days by the sea. We also were blessed to go to La Costa Resort and Spa to see my favorite author and mentor, Marianne Williamson. She was a speaker, during a week long retreat with Deepak Chopra.

Before I left for this much anticipated mini vacation, I had a couple of significant things happen. I had sent a letter to Gene Combs, (the accomplice in Matt's murder) in response to a letter that he had written to me over two years ago. I am now ready to hear what Gene Combs has to say about that night horrible Sept night.

Ever since Matt's death, I have felt that this was NOT a case of Mistaken Identity. I also have so many questions still, in response to how Gene Combs, who is the ONLY one who went to the Police and turned himself in, was given a 15 to life sentence, and the driver received nothing. Without Gene Combs, we may still not know who shot Matt. I am asking myself, WHAT is it that I want from Gene Combs?

I have been given the opportunity to forgive some of the people directly and indirectly involved in Matt's death. This continues to be a long and difficult process but also extremely healing. I did not go see Gene Combs, who is in prison in San Diego. He sent another letter and asked me for a copy of the letter that he had written to me, over 2 years ago. I decided that this was not the time for me to speak to him.

I feel so grateful that I am allowing God to clear my mind and to heal my heart and to guide me. I don't want to MAKE things happen. I relinquish all control of this situation, to God. I am forever grateful to the many friends who continue to support me and my decisions. I will not get to have my son back, although I can have peace in my heart in the midst of our enormous and devastating loss.