Continuous life changers

 I have been on an amazing spiritual journey, since the murder of
Matt, actually even before Matt's death. 
 I have been slowly moving
into the forgiveness phase of my own personal journey. Raymond and I
have met with Ryan Estes, the supposed intended target of the bullet
on Sept 1, 2008. He has asked for our forgiveness. Ryan has also
confirmed what I had already known, that Henry Don Williams knew he
was NOT shooting at his friend Ryan Estes. We have forgiven Ryan I
have also had some correspondence with Gene Combs, the one who turned
himself in and id'd the shooter and the driver.

 Since this nightmare began I have been in contact with my favorite
author Marianne Williamson. I have been following her and her work for
over 22 years. She was part of a film in 2007 called "The Power of
Forgiveness". Myself and about 7 of my closest girlfriends went to see
this film in Davis in 2007.

I was working on forgiveness and my anger that I had toward the
murderer, Mack Arthur West, who stabbed my cousin Kathy O'Brien to
death in 1999. He was finally sentenced in 2007 to 15 years to life.
The film began with how the Amish community was so forgiving of the
massacre of six innocent amish children in Oct. 2006

This film also featured Azim Khamisa, who's 20 year old son was shot
and killed by a 14 year old, for a pizza. Azim and the 14 year old
shooters grandfather speak nationally at schools about youth violence
and forgiveness. I have been in contact with Mr. Azim Khamisa recently
due to a series of incredible "coincidences".

I am also working on becoming part of the Restorative Justice program
at San Quentin Prison. There are so many amazing things happening. 
God, continue guide me where you would have me go. Give me the eye's to see and the ear's to hear. clear my Mind and Heal my Heart. 
 

Cacophony of voices

My mind has been reeling with the cacophony of voices surrounding the gun violence issues. For me, there are so many things that must be addressed along with the gun violence.
Violence appears to be addicting!

In 1999 my cousin, Kathy O'Brien was stabbed to death, over 50 times, with a sharpened screw-driver. Her body was then tossed out of a car and left on Cherry Glen Road. The murderer was a drug addict with mental illness. Did his drug addiction cause the progression of his mental illness or did his mental illness cause him to self medicate with drugs? I don't know? But, the fact is...Kathy suffered a horrific VIOLENT death.

My son, Matthew was shot in the back of the head and killed by a drug addict who also claimed to be a southerner (gang affiliated). Addiction is a mental illness! Is gang violence a mental illness? Is violence a mental illness? If violence is an addiction does that make it a mental illness? Would my son still be dead if the shooter was unable to get that gun at a garage sale? Or, maybe if  Matt would have had a gun himself, he could have shot back? Would the children and staff of Sandy Hook Elementary be alive today if the killer didn't have easy access to the guns in his mothers house? Would his mother still be alive if she had a gun on her person and shot her son before he shot her? What if he was treated for his mental illness?

These are questions that can NOT be answered by addressing just one aspect of these multi layered issues. I believe that WE as a UNITED STATES of AMERICA have to come together and address this Addiction to Violence!

I don't have the answers but I believe we have to continue a respectful dialog as a nation who MUST live, breath and work together. We will not survive and our children will continue to die without us addressing every aspect of this disease of Violence.

My two cents

 The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.
~ Bill Cosby

Nonviolence is not a thing that comes easily. You have to learn how to be nonviolent.
~ Betty Williams

Inspired by memories

My mother died on this day last year. My mind and heart is filled with so many memories of my mother. I am forever grateful for the time that God allowed me to spend with her just weeks before she made her transition. I see that asking God to guide me and to give me the eyes to see and the ears to hear, opened my soul to such an amazingly wonderful time with my mother.
I miss her dearly. Her laugh was contagious. Her jokes were hilarious especially when she would start laughing before she even reached the punch line. She loved to laugh at herself. I am so grateful to have acquired many of her attributes.
 Thinking about my mothers life, I now realize the depth of her sorrow. The fact that she could love and laugh with such passion has helped me in immeasurable ways. Thank you mom for being there for me in the depth of my sorrow.

Forever in my heart. I love you Mom!

?

I'm trying to search my mind to find words to put down that could even begin to describe the horror  and devastation that I feel for the unbelievable murders that happened in Newtown, Conn. My heart hurts for these families, this community and our country. There are some questions that will never be answered, in this lifetime.

Having had my own son murdered, I anguish at the thought of the moment these parents were told that their little children were dead. I feel immense sadness for the days that will follow for these families. The numbness the complete state of shock and disbelief when you finally do go to sleep and wake up, hoping that it was all a horrible nightmare. Only to face the reality that this nightmare is a waking one. I am so sorry that there isn't anything that anyone can say or do to take any of your pain away.

Today and everyday I will continue to pray for these families. God, please wrap your loving arms around them. Help them to feel You in these most incomprehensible times. God guide them to places of comfort and help them to sleep.

God, guide us as a nation, to do all that we can to help.


Forever in my thoughts and prayers Amen

The gift of Thanksgiving

I am enjoying my quiet time this beautiful morning. I have had a wonderful phone conversation with a dear friend. I am so thankful for the amazing people that I have in my life today. I am in awe at how a shift in my perception, a change in how I view the world and the people in it, can reveal so many miracles, that until this shift took place, I was unable to see! Thus is why my daily prayer is: God, guide me to where You would have me go. Give me the eyes to see, the ears to hear, and the words to speak. Clear my mind and heal my heart. And so it is, Amen

The last couple weekends have been filled with Amazing women from all over the country. We all met in LA for a huge conference to lift each other up in love and sisterhood. I have been lifted up emotionally, physically and spiritually from all of these incredible life expereinces. My thoughts about so many things that I thought were fact or should be's, are changing. I see myself opening up to, what is often called, the "Bigger Picture".

Many years before Matt was killed, I felt an inner shifting. I knew that Life is so much more than money, jobs, influence. All of which, are outside THINGS. I was on a journey from the moment I was born...I was just unaware for many years.

Although, this shift has definitely expanded since Matt's death. I have no more walls up. I am totally open to whatever God has in store for me. I am open to the experience and I am not attached to the outcome. I am the most vulnerable that I have ever been. This is the space where God can and will enter.

I have been sitting in quiet with the visiting forms that convicted murderer, Gene Combs, has sent to me. I want to go and see him and ask him questions about the night that Henry Don Williams, shot and killed Matt. I'm also not naive. I understand that Gene combs has nothing to lose by saying whatever he wants to me. I just have this inner knowing that i am supposed to do this.

One reason why I know that I am supposed to go and see Gene Combs, is because of what has taken place over these past few months. The people that have been placed in my life at just the right moment. I was speaking at a middle school several weeks ago. My husband and I had already had a meeting 3 months before this middle school experience, where we were asked to forgive this person who had a role in Matt's murder. At this middle school, the woman seated next to me, gave me a hand written note which said, "thank you for forgiving my son". This is how I know that God is leading me! This is my privilege of a lifetime.

Some people do not understand how I could be open to speak to and even consider to forgive these people who committed these horrible acts that resulted in my only son's death. I say, It's not for them, it's for me. It's for my children and it's for their children. We are all here for a reason. My hating someone is NOT going to bring Matt back. My feeling Anger and Rage is not going to Affect anyone but me and those I love and with whom I am closest to. Why would I want to do that? I don't! I want to heal and live this life in peace. Giving hope where it seems like there is none.


 

Time to Heal

I'm another year older and I'd like to think that I am a bit wiser as well.

I had a wonderful Birthday with my girlfriend, Laura. We went to San Diego to spend a couple days by the sea. We also were blessed to go to La Costa Resort and Spa to see my favorite author and mentor, Marianne Williamson. She was a speaker, during a week long retreat with Deepak Chopra.

Before I left for this much anticipated mini vacation, I had a couple of significant things happen. I had sent a letter to Gene Combs, (the accomplice in Matt's murder) in response to a letter that he had written to me over two years ago. I am now ready to hear what Gene Combs has to say about that night horrible Sept night.

Ever since Matt's death, I have felt that this was NOT a case of Mistaken Identity. I also have so many questions still, in response to how Gene Combs, who is the ONLY one who went to the Police and turned himself in, was given a 15 to life sentence, and the driver received nothing. Without Gene Combs, we may still not know who shot Matt. I am asking myself, WHAT is it that I want from Gene Combs?

I have been given the opportunity to forgive some of the people directly and indirectly involved in Matt's death. This continues to be a long and difficult process but also extremely healing. I did not go see Gene Combs, who is in prison in San Diego. He sent another letter and asked me for a copy of the letter that he had written to me, over 2 years ago. I decided that this was not the time for me to speak to him.

I feel so grateful that I am allowing God to clear my mind and to heal my heart and to guide me. I don't want to MAKE things happen. I relinquish all control of this situation, to God. I am forever grateful to the many friends who continue to support me and my decisions. I will not get to have my son back, although I can have peace in my heart in the midst of our enormous and devastating loss.

The journey from my head to my heart.......

Here I am again, sitting at my computer, looking out the window at this beautiful October morning. It is amazing to me, how the way that the day looks, or the smell of the cool air, can trigger so many memories. Just the way the sun is positioned or the sound of a bird can take me to a place in my memory which seems like a lifetime ago.

 I am scanning over, in my mind, the events from yesterday. My Friday began with breakfast with a friend that I haven't seen in over 15 years. It was so amazing to see her and her beautiful 6 month old son. It was like we had been together all this time. There was no awkwardness or lack of conversation. I am very grateful that we found each other again. My life has been blessed by awesome people in it.

I was also corresponding with my friend, her son was murdered earlier this year. She asked me if the thoughts and pain of WHY did this happen to our children, ever goes away? I had to tell her, "NO, those questions of why, the pain, loss and devastation have not gone away. I don't imagine this as ever going away. We shared with each other how we stay busy to keep our minds focused on something other than the never ending pain from the senseless deaths of our children.

 I did get to share with her, the conversation that I had with one of the players in Matt's death. I shared with her that he asked us for forgiveness for his role of being the drug dealer who took the $50 that the shooter and Gene Allen Combs, came looking for to get their money back. He understood that his disease of addiction, has affected so many lives.

Last night, I again ran into That man, who had a part in Matt's murder. The same man that Raymond and I had a conversation with, nearly 2 months ago. The man who asked for forgiveness for his part in the murder of our son. This man now has 2 months clean and sober. He gave me his 60 day key tag.

So here is the part about my journey from my head to my heart. This man is Now changing his life. In my heart, I know that this is a major event, that will absolutely help to change not only his life, but the lives of his children, his family, his immediate circle of people, and ultimately the world. My head wants to HATE him but my heart knows this is a miracle.

 My head often times wants to blame, hate, hurt and punish. I have been on a spiritual journey for a long time now. I believe that God is absolutely guiding me to a life of peace and forgiveness. I just have to be willing!

Once again, God, Clear my Mind and Heal my Heart. Guide me where you would have me go and give me the eyes to see and the ears to hear.