Thursday, December 10, 2015

Grief is a lifelong process

I used to blog nearly every month. It's now been since August. I decided to write this morning because the world is filled with so much pain, hurt, sadness and anger. A lot like the way I feel nearly every day. I find myself constantly searching for things and ways to help me to "FEEL BETTER"!

 Don't get me wrong, I am genuinely happy and feel love too. Our family has been blessed with  much love and support from so many people. How could I not feel love?  Although, I still have that space within my heart that feels like it is trying to squeeze out the happy space. When you add my mind into this equation it becomes a battle of good vs evil.

Some of  the many things that I have tried to combat this constant battle is; prayer, support groups, speaking and writing, painting, and exercise. Some of the not so positive things I've tried is; shopping, eating, sleeping, stuffing my feelings, throwing things, yelling and denial. Basically, self sabotage. None of which has lessened this hole within myself.

I am writing this to myself and to all the mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers and other loved ones dealing with the never ending effects of grief from loss. I do know now that I can't wish it away. I can't eat it away. I  have to learn to deal with it on a daily basis. Many days are good. I can and do feel happiness, joy and love. I just have to accept that the grief hole will always be there.

I do believe I will be reunited with my boy one day. Until then, I will continue to do the things that help ME walk through this broken world. Spending time with my amazing daughter's, husband, and friends. Thank you God

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Just WOW!

It’s Sunday morning August 23, 2015. I have been awake since before 6:00 AM. I believe I awoke so early because I went to sleep before 9:00 PM. I was full of emotion yesterday. I finally had the honor of meeting Jenni. She received Matt’s lungs nearly 7 years ago.

Jenni is a beautiful lady who is full of life. She seemed to be so concerned about me and my well-being during the heart and lung patient transplant celebration in which she invited me to meet with her.

It was a very special day. I met several people who had also received lungs. I spoke with Jenni’s friend Lisa who received lungs over 9 years ago. She has been a part of her donor family’s lives for years. She explained to me that often times the recipients has survivor remorse.

 I told Lisa that I am grateful to have been given this amazing opportunity to meet with Jenni.  To sit and talk with her and know that she is alive and breathing because of Matt is a gift that I will cherish forever. To hear Jenni laugh is awesome.

Jenni shared with me that the doctors were going to take her off the respirator (which meant certain death), just 1 day before she was told that they had a donor who matched perfectly. That donor was my beautiful, loving and giving son, Matthew Terrahl Garcia.

My heart will never be the same since the day Matt was taken from us on September 2, 2008 Although, I am extremely thankful that he was willing and able to help so many others live. Matt was an amazing human being, who continues to live on even in his death. How could a mother not be grateful for that?

My life has been moving in many different directions. What I thought my life was going to be like, has once again, taken another turn. I am open to change and to growth. I’m grateful to know that my life is going to be whatever I make it. We are here for such a short time. I must take every opportunity to live it to the fullest, in love, peace and happiness.

Jenni, I thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Beyond words

I posted on Facebook today about my upcoming, once in a lifetime, trip to Thailand. In 2 weeks I will be in Bangkok with my best friend, Laura and her beautiful family. I have the plane tickets, the hotels are booked and our days there are all planned. I still can't believe I am actually going to Thailand.

I spent a good part of this morning thinking about my life. I am blessed beyond words. The friendships that I have and the relationships that are being built each day, are extraordinary.

I will be celebrating 25 years of long term recovery on April 6th in Bangkok. Never ever did I dare to dream that I could come from where I was and be where I am today.

The murder of Matt devastated us. At the same time, our family is closer than ever. Myself, Raymond and our girls have each other like never before. A horrific tragedy can destroy a family. There were  times I wasn't sure we could make it. But, here we are! I am extremely grateful that I didn't give in.

Matt's death awakened a part of my soul that I had no idea existed. The most painful and difficult circumstances in my life has brought me to this awesome place of surrender. I am more open to listen, learn and share than ever before.

I'm a work in progress. Every moment of every day I can choose how I want to live. That to me, is astounding! I want to build and cultivate relationships. I understand that being available for people and having phenomenal people available for me, has helped to create this amazing life that I live.

I still struggle with life situations on the daily, work, relationships and money But, when I  take a couple seconds to scan this life, I see that I am blessed beyond words. Thank you God.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Inward and onward

It's been over a month since I have written anything. It has taken me some time to process the FINAL court hearing. I didn't get much sleep the night before our Jan. 16th court appearance. Tossing and turning until I finally gave in and got out of bed. I realized that once again, I had allowed my rambling mind to get the best of me.

Raymond and I didn't talk much during our early morning coffee. Looking back, I can still sense the several minutes of awkward silence that hung over us. It was obvious that even though we sat together we were miles apart. 

 Finally, I began to share with him some of the thoughts that were roaming my mind like a pack of  vicious dogs. I cried, because the thoughts that were inside me were frightening. I had a knowing, that if I left these erratic thoughts there without voicing them, they would fester and grow. 

My thoughts were like a play without an ending. I was watching myself standing up in the courtroom and screaming profanities and throwing anything and everything at the evil person who murdered my boy. I envisioned myself attacking him with all the rage and anger I had held inside me for over 6 years. I wanted to destroy him for all the devastation, pain and anger that HE caused and was continuing to cause our family and loved ones.

The reality is that I would never succeed in carrying out this vision. I truly don't think I really wanted to. I just wanted to have some semblance of justice for Matt. Instead of the circus that we had been subjected to for years.

I went to my room and sent my friend Marianne an email. I asked her for prayer regarding our court situation along with prayer for myself. I was imploding and was not able to stop this on my own. I needed help before I stepped foot into that courtroom.

Marianne called soon after I pressed the send button on my laptop. She asked me if my anger was helping me in any way. She wanted me to look inside myself for answers. What did I believe would happen if this person did get a retrial? Do I believe that I am somehow protecting Matt? Do I think that my anger can change anything?

I found myself trying to justify my actions and behavior, at first. Fairly quickly, I realized that this was exactly what I needed to hear. My rage and anger was only hurting me. Matt is fine. He sends us little signs of proof all the time. Marianne's prayer coupled with the thought provoking questions, felt good and I was now ready to go do this.

The court hearing lasted over 3 hours. Raymond and I had to testify two times each. The shooters girlfriend, who brought on all of this insanity, decided to invoke her 5 amendment right and did NOT testify. I was able to see just how ludicrous all of this was. I literally laughed out loud.

I felt at peace. I knew that whatever was to happen, we would be ok. I have a choice everyday, Do I want to be happy or do I want to be miserable? I can't change anything that has already happened. I can only change me and my actions and reactions. I'm not saying this is an easy thing to do. I am saying that this is a "practice" everyday.

 I will continue to use my voice and speak up for those who have no voice. In order to be FREE,  I must not turn any injustices inward.

I am so grateful for the love and support.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Goodbye 2014

Last year, at this time Raymond and I turned our daughter’s former bedroom, into a prayer & meditation room. This room has saved my mental state on many occasions, this past year. I also started using it as my art room too. I love having a quiet retreat in my own home.

We also completed a labyrinth in our backyard. It really means a lot to me to have this labyrinth. Raymond and I began to make the backyard labyrinth the very day that Matt was shot, Sept. 1, 2008. We never completed it until this year. I’m so very grateful to have this sacred space.

February 2014 came with more obstacles and heartache for our family and loved ones.  Matt’s killer was brought back to Solano County to fight for a new trial for himself. We continue to be baffled by our Justice system and the constitution, which allows all of this insanity to continue year after year. It is a blatant waste of time and taxpayers money. We will NOT STOP ADVOCATING for VICTIMS AND THEIR FAMILIES.

March 2014 brought on more insanity. Matt’s killer makes the decision he wants to represent himself in court. Once again, everything is put on hold, so that Matt’s murderer can prepare his case. We continue to work and do what is in front of us all the while our hearts never get a reprieve from the devastating impact that Matt’s death has had on each of us.

April 2014 April is Victims Rights Week. Myself, Briana and Kathy drove to Sacramento and marched to the capital with our murdered loved ones faces on our shirts and signs It was a very emotional day for everyone but we were grateful to be a part of it.

May 2014 My oldest daughter, Briana got engaged. Oh my goodness we are all so happy and excited. Our focus has been on Matt’s murderer and all the drama he continues to bring.

 We are extremely excited to have a beautiful wedding to plan.  September 5, 2015 is the date that Briana and William picked for their wedding day. The month of September will be a happy month filled with love and celebration. I am so happy.

June 2014 Matt’s killer now decides that he no longer wants to represent himself. He is appointed his public defender. Once again, the hearing is delayed.

July 2014 Matt would have turned 28.

 I was asked if I would be willing to go into California State Prison Solano in Vacaville and speak to a group of lifers, mainly murderers. These men are taking classes in prison to improve their lives and help them take responsibility for their actions.

I was asked to give my impact statement. I talked about how Matt’s murder has devastated our lives forever. I shared how his murderer is STILL dragging us through HELL. I also shared how Matt’s murderer refuses to accept any responsibility for his actions. This experience has changed my life for the better.

August 2014 the scheduled court hearing was once again delayed because the murderer’s wife didn't show up. Also the investigators were unable to locate the juror in question.  Next court hearing is scheduled for October.

September 2014 my only son has been gone for six years. Our hearts will be forever broken by the absence of Matt. My mind is swirling uncontrollably by the insanity of our system.

 MY girlfriend took me to Hawaii for 10 days. It felt so good to get away. It didn't last long. We were again not notified of a court appearance.
 I felt terrible for putting such a dark cloud over this special time for my friend. Her daughter had just gotten engaged in Hawaii a couple days before.

October 2014 we were not notified that the Judge’s courtroom had moved.  We finally make it to the new courtroom to find out that the hearing will be delayed once more. We go back Jan. 16, 2015. 

The murderer’s wife comes up to us in the hall after court and begins to tell me how sorry that she is for bringing all of this on us. She admitted that everything she said before was a lie. She assures us that she has already signed a declaration stating the truth, which is, that the juror did nothing wrong.

 Oh My God, Was this really happening? Can all of this be over now that she finally admitted to the truth? NOPE! Now the murderer’s attorney wants to bring up myself and Raymond.  He wants us to answer questions about what we saw when the juror was speaking to the killer’s wife during a recess in the trial.

I spoke at the prison again. This has been a life saving experience for me to hear murderers take responsibility for their crimes. For the murderer’s to realize the devastation and destruction that they have caused so many, forever, is healing for me.

November 2014 we had a meeting with the DA and ended up having to give separate statements to the investigator because apparently the murderer’s wife never told her attorney the truth. Our prosecutor knew nothing about the hallway conversation that the wife shared with us, about her previous lies.

Briana, her bridesmaids and I, went to a wedding fair. It was a great time to focus on Briana and her upcoming wedding.

One of Matt’s dreams was to meet Oprah. He believed that he would be on her show one day. That day would never happen. I did however get to meet Oprah and tell her about Matt. I felt Matt there too. His dream came true that November day.

December 2014 Here we are on the very last day of 2014. Again, we were not informed of a court appearance last week. Today, December 31, 2014 I was served a subpoena, at my job, for the court hearing on Jan. 16 for the murderer of Matt.

I know that God has a plan. I know that many, many, great and wonderful things are also happening in our lives. I will place my heart and soul into every amazing adventure that comes my way. I will continue to speak my truth regarding the justice system and victims’ rights or lack thereof. I will be there for my daughters every step of the way. I will do all of this with God, my family and my friends.

Our journeys are our own. We will connect with the people we are supposed to connect with. When we ask, we will be given EVERYTHING we need for this life journey.  I am so truly grateful for the amazing people in our lives. Thank you, you who continue to lift us up in prayer. You, who show up EVERY TIME for us, you who have reminded me that God is the answer.  Thank you!  2014 has been another year of living, loving and learning. I am willing and ready to do it again, even better!

Friday, December 26, 2014

Looking ahead while staying in the moment

I want to start this 26th day of December 2014, expressing my extreme gratitude for everyone who has touched my life this past year. I not only feel blessed for the lovely people but also for the challenging folks who continue to teach me so much.

Learning to live with a grateful heart, especially in the midst of injustice, has been an ongoing life teacher. I have learned that I can have happiness, peace and love even when situations arise that I am powerless over. I haven't mastered this yet. Although, I am getting better at it. I receive a bunch of opportunities, for practice.

My life, thus far, has been about loving and learning. As long as I am still here physically, and am open to the opportunities that God has for me, I can do anything! My daily prayer is for God to lead me to where I am to go and what I am to do. Help me on this journey of life.

My girls are doing well. Growing up and learning their own lessons. It has been amazing to watch them transform into the amazing women that they are today. Thank you God for giving me the gift of raising three awesome people.

I know that 2015 is going to be another year filled with lots of happiness, peace and love. I will remain open to the many new opportunities and lessons that I will receive.

 God, help me to be the woman that you have called me to be. Clear my mind and heal my heart. Give me the eyes to see, the ears to hear and the words to speak, with dignity and grace. Help me to be of help to whomever you place on my path. God, thank you for all the beautiful people that you have surrounded me with. Amen