As I lay here in bed reminiscing about past Thanksgiving holidays my mind is so tired. I'm not wanting to get ready for my work day. But, I must. I try to shut down the memories of our family all together laughing and sometimes arguing over the silliest of things. I can't stop feeling emotional as I am reminded of several of my friends who will endure their first holiday without their loved ones.
There is no easy way through the grief. Even after 8 years without Matt here, my heart aches like it is the first day without him. Everything I do and all of the memories that are stored in my mind are shattered by heartbreak the more that I reminisce. I have to learn how to allow the thoughts, memories, and feelings to come and move through me. Unfortunately, I have not been able to even come close to mastering this. Will I ever? Probably not! I have several friends whom have been without their children for 20+ years and their pain and heartache remain the same today.
I am truly blessed to have our amazing daughters. We are grateful for all of our wonderful family and friends. I don't want to get so lost in my own grief that I can't recognize the incredible blessings that I have right here and now. This is my constant dilemma. There is a shattered place in my heart that will never mend. I can still find joy and happiness in my life today. Although, there will always be a surging pain, a wound that is so deep it is inexplicable. I'm a totally different person today than I was before September 1, 2008. What does that even mean for me today? I'm not sure?
I will continue to move forward as I have thus far. I will find joy, peace, forgiveness, and love every where that I can. I will continue to be there for my daughters when they need me. I want to support them as they maneuver through their own grief and pain. We are on a journey of our hearts that we never expected nor ever wanted to be on.