Three days ago I wrote about my internal dilemma. How for the last eleven plus years I have been trying to sort through my thoughts and feelings regarding one of the people responsible for Matt's death. How this person is the only one (out of the three in the car) who turned himself and the other two into police. How I found myself empathizing with him during our meeting three years ago. How conflicted I have felt about that! How I have struggled daily with what forgiveness means to me?
This brings me to today We had our monthly community clean up downtown this morning.
Raymond moved the check-in table to the grassy area across from Starbucks. Most every one had already grabbed their buckets and garbage pickers and left to begin picking up trash downtown.
Raymond, Sheila, and I stayed back and took some pictures and talked.
A woman walked by and Sheila said hello to her. I immediately froze in my tracks. I knew it was her; the driver of the car, her boyfriend at that time, was the gunman who killed our Matt. Oh My God! Is this really happening? This is all that I could think! Was it really her? I already knew it was. I told Sheila and Raymond that was Nicole Stewart!
I looked and didn't see her anymore? Raymond already knew that I had to leave the clean-up early because my cousin is here visiting from out of state.
She had just texted me that she was heading to our house from Winters.
Sheila knew that I was really leaving at that moment to go look for Nicole.
I got in Matt's car drove around the block. There she was! I began to shake. I pulled up to her and got out of the car. I said, "Nicole do you remember me"? She said, Yes. Right then I started to sob.
God, I have hated this woman for over eleven years. I have struggled with knowing that I didn't hurt her when I had the chance years before.
The last time I saw her, before now, was nine years ago at Target. I wanted to hurt her bad.
I remember yelling at her and pushing my fists deeper and deeper into my coat pockets to contain them. I saw her little boy, standing in the
Target shopping cart watching me. This little boy was the son of the killer of my son.
My oldest daughter was also with me and I could feel her anxiety as she stood beside me. She not knowing what I was going to do to this woman who had a huge part in devastating our lives. I didn't hurt Nicole that day at Target nine years ago. I only yelled at her and told her what a piece of shit she was.
Today, we stood there looking at each other crying. I began to ask her a lot of questions about September 1st 2008. She answered them all. I asked her about her son, who is now eleven years old. I asked her if he goes to prison to see his father? No, she said. Her son has no contact with the man, his father, who shot our Matt. We talked and cried.
This was absolutely NOT my PLAN! I had the perfect opportunity to hurt her. She was by herself, nobody was around.
In that very moment I knew that is NOT WHO I AM! I really don't want to harm anyone. I want to be free of this hate, rage, and anger.
God, what are you doing? The truth is, I know what God is doing! He is giving me every opportunity to heal my shattered and broken heart and mind.
When I got home my cousin was here waiting for me. I was able to tell her what had just taken place. She said she was glad she wasn't with me. Both of our daughters had similar responses. But, because they know that this encounter helped me, I think it kind of helped them too.
The EGO (Edging God Out) part of me is telling me I should have hit her. I know that it would not have helped me at all. I am grateful that I was able to humanize her, as hard as that is to say and write.
I have been practicing forgiveness for myself for nearly 30 years. In those years and before, I have been given countless opportunities to perceive things differently. I have been given the gift of spiritual principles to try and learn to live by. I have failed many times and will fail many more.
I'm eternally grateful for the moments in time when I am able to *SEE/FEEL* glimpses of HEAVEN. There is no feeling like it! The peace and calm that comes in these glimpses is like nothing I have ever felt before. In these glimpses is where I believe the saying "Heaven on Earth" comes from.
I have to write this down because I know that it is fleeting. In one glimpse I see heaven and in the next moment I fall back into the EGO; wanting to control outcomes and situations which leave me feeling alone and in fear.
Today, I will try to remember the weightless feeling of peace and calm. I will focus on the undeniable feelings of love, forgiveness and contentment.
God, thank you for giving me the glimpses of heaven once again. Thank you for guiding me and giving me the courage to do the right thing for the right reason in the moment. Thank you for filling me with a peace which surpasses all understanding. I am truly blessed to have had these glimpses at all. Thank You <3
Saturday, November 30, 2019
Wednesday, November 27, 2019
God, guide me please
I have been talking about this and praying about it for nearly a year now. It is especially devastating to be still dealing with all of this madness as we approach our 11th Thanksgiving and Christmas without our Matt.
This past January, a Senate Bill was signed into law. It is called SB 1437. It's the new felony murder rule. Many people charged with murder, who were NOT the actual murderer, but were charged with murder, now have the opportunity to have their murder convictions changed, if they qualify.
Gene Combs, was sentenced to 15 years to life for 2nd degree murder, in the murder of our Matt. Gene was not the actual shooter, but did give the shooter the gun, was in the car, driven by the shooters pregnant girlfriend, and left several messages on the intended targets voicemail. In one of those messages, Gene Combs states: "Those bullets were meant for you, mother fucker." There is much more, but, this is the gist of it.
Now, here is my confusing and heart wrenching internal dilemma.
Raymond and I went to see Gene Combs, in prison, almost 3 years ago. We had a four hour meeting with him, his counselor, and a facilitator. We wanted to know exactly what happened on September 1st 2008. We wanted Gene Combs to look us in the eyes, and tell us what was going through his mind on that day, when our Matt was senselessly taken from this world by gun violence.
We wanted to know why Gene Combs decided to tell on himself, Henry Don Williams, and Nicole Stewart, 12 days after Matt was shot. We wanted Gene Combs to tell us EVERYTHING! He did.
My mind and heart has been in conflict ever since.
Gene Combs shared about his substance abuse and the terrible things that he had done. I understood this because, I myself, have been in recovery for over half my life. I related to Gene Combs and his addiction. I understood doing things that I swore I would never do, all because I was under the influence of a mind altering, mood changing, substance. It was hard to feel myself relating to this person who had been a part of my only sons murder.
Nonetheless, this is what was happening. I couldn't escape the empathy that I was feeling for this man charged with 2nd degree murder in our Matt's death.
The thought of betraying my son, by having these feelings of empathy for one of the people responsible for his death, has been equally devastating and confusing. On the other hand, Matt believed in people having second chances. He believed that people could turn their lives around. He knew it was possible because he had seen it in his own family.
During our meeting with Gene Combs, he shared how he was supposed to be at his son's birthday party at a water park on September 1, 2008. How he just needed to get one bag of dope before he went to the party. How that decision of his to get that bag, has changed the lives of so many people. How he wishes he could go back, but, he knows that he can't. He vowed to live out the rest of his life by doing the right things for the right reasons. He said he would do his time and be a mentor for other inmates.
We all sobbed and expressed our feelings. We talked about what the future looks like for all of us. We talked about his family; His wife and two boys. We talked about his addiction, when it started, what his life was like growing up. We shared ourselves so intimately. We will forever be connected in this life.
We forgave Gene Combs, that day, in that room on prison grounds. Accepting responsibility for his actions is a huge part of recovery. Raymond told him that we would not be a stumbling block for him on his journey of recovery. We told him that we were glad to hear that he was dealing with his addiction and facilitating NA and AA meetings in the prison.
Now, today, here we are:
Gene Combs filed the petition for SB1437 as soon as it became law in January. My heart sank when I found this out. I have felt angry and confused.
Gene Combs you told us you accepted responsibility for your actions and would do your time for Matt's murder? What has changed? Do you no longer believe that you were a huge player in Matt's murder? What about everything you said to us?
What does any of this really mean? Can I have both gratitude and un-forgiveness in my heart at the same time? Are all of my feelings valid?
Now, the defense investigator wants to talk with us about our prison meeting with Gene Combs three years ago.
God, please clear my mind and heal my heart. Guide me to where you would have me go. Give me wisdom and clarity. Amen
This past January, a Senate Bill was signed into law. It is called SB 1437. It's the new felony murder rule. Many people charged with murder, who were NOT the actual murderer, but were charged with murder, now have the opportunity to have their murder convictions changed, if they qualify.
Gene Combs, was sentenced to 15 years to life for 2nd degree murder, in the murder of our Matt. Gene was not the actual shooter, but did give the shooter the gun, was in the car, driven by the shooters pregnant girlfriend, and left several messages on the intended targets voicemail. In one of those messages, Gene Combs states: "Those bullets were meant for you, mother fucker." There is much more, but, this is the gist of it.
Now, here is my confusing and heart wrenching internal dilemma.
Raymond and I went to see Gene Combs, in prison, almost 3 years ago. We had a four hour meeting with him, his counselor, and a facilitator. We wanted to know exactly what happened on September 1st 2008. We wanted Gene Combs to look us in the eyes, and tell us what was going through his mind on that day, when our Matt was senselessly taken from this world by gun violence.
We wanted to know why Gene Combs decided to tell on himself, Henry Don Williams, and Nicole Stewart, 12 days after Matt was shot. We wanted Gene Combs to tell us EVERYTHING! He did.
My mind and heart has been in conflict ever since.
Gene Combs shared about his substance abuse and the terrible things that he had done. I understood this because, I myself, have been in recovery for over half my life. I related to Gene Combs and his addiction. I understood doing things that I swore I would never do, all because I was under the influence of a mind altering, mood changing, substance. It was hard to feel myself relating to this person who had been a part of my only sons murder.
Nonetheless, this is what was happening. I couldn't escape the empathy that I was feeling for this man charged with 2nd degree murder in our Matt's death.
The thought of betraying my son, by having these feelings of empathy for one of the people responsible for his death, has been equally devastating and confusing. On the other hand, Matt believed in people having second chances. He believed that people could turn their lives around. He knew it was possible because he had seen it in his own family.
During our meeting with Gene Combs, he shared how he was supposed to be at his son's birthday party at a water park on September 1, 2008. How he just needed to get one bag of dope before he went to the party. How that decision of his to get that bag, has changed the lives of so many people. How he wishes he could go back, but, he knows that he can't. He vowed to live out the rest of his life by doing the right things for the right reasons. He said he would do his time and be a mentor for other inmates.
We all sobbed and expressed our feelings. We talked about what the future looks like for all of us. We talked about his family; His wife and two boys. We talked about his addiction, when it started, what his life was like growing up. We shared ourselves so intimately. We will forever be connected in this life.
We forgave Gene Combs, that day, in that room on prison grounds. Accepting responsibility for his actions is a huge part of recovery. Raymond told him that we would not be a stumbling block for him on his journey of recovery. We told him that we were glad to hear that he was dealing with his addiction and facilitating NA and AA meetings in the prison.
Now, today, here we are:
Gene Combs filed the petition for SB1437 as soon as it became law in January. My heart sank when I found this out. I have felt angry and confused.
Gene Combs you told us you accepted responsibility for your actions and would do your time for Matt's murder? What has changed? Do you no longer believe that you were a huge player in Matt's murder? What about everything you said to us?
What does any of this really mean? Can I have both gratitude and un-forgiveness in my heart at the same time? Are all of my feelings valid?
Now, the defense investigator wants to talk with us about our prison meeting with Gene Combs three years ago.
God, please clear my mind and heal my heart. Guide me to where you would have me go. Give me wisdom and clarity. Amen
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