Friday, July 13, 2012

Forever twenty-two

Oh my God, my heart is so broken. I still can't believe that you are gone. I'm sitting here remembering what was happening 26 years ago. My only son was about to be born. I remember how scared and excited I was knowing that you were about to enter this world. I was only 19 but I knew I already loved you so much. I wanted to be the best mom I could be to you. Although, I lacked the tools I needed to be that mom.

I continued to try and I continued to struggle with many issues. I had your sister less than 2 years later. Our lives were falling apart and our precious babies were caught in the crossfire. Finally, when you were 3 and your sister 1, I made a major decision that would change our lives for the better. With that one decision came many more. We were on the healing road of recovery and restoration. My self centered behavior, turned into a soul desire to help myself and my precious children be the best that we could be. I thank God everyday for guiding me to seek that help and healing.

With our new lives came more challenges, but we were a family and I would NOT give up! Remembering the parenting classes that I enrolled in and the therapy for the 3 of us, fills me with so much pride today. I was going to do everything necessary to make a good life for you and us. I was not perfect but I was willing to learn and take direction.

I enrolled you into Head Start. You loved it. I did get a call from your Head Start teacher, Mrs. Chamberlain telling me how you went to her office and decided to drink her Coke. We had more work to do. You were so funny and had way too much energy. We all had a tough time keeping up with you.

When I met Raymond, you were 4 and Bri was 2. You instantly had a connection with Raymond. He was the missing piece to our family. You two were buddies and you were so happy. When Raymond and I were married You were the ring bearer. I laugh every time I think about how you pulled Nicole by her arm, down the isle. She didn't have time to drop rose petals because you were in a hurry to get to the alter with mommy and Raymond.

You suffered your first huge loss in your little life when Grandpa Joe died. He was the best grandpa in the world. He loved his mamo very much. Every night when we said our prayers we would talk to grandpa Joe in heaven. I am comforted knowing that you are together again.

You played every sport. You were a great boogie boarder in Hawaii. You had a ton of friends and your heart was always full of love. Your sensitivity to people and there feelings was beautiful. You made me a better person.

It's almost 10:00PM the night before you were born 26 year's ago. I am wondering how I will "keep it together" tomorrow at the 5th annual softball tournament. How I remember the happiness on your face at your 22nd birthday party at Favela's Fusion. That was your last birthday with us.

 You were taken just a little over a month later. God, How I wish we could go back and change that night somehow. But I know we can't. My life, my thoughts, my everything was changed forever the night they took you from us. I have to keep my head up and moving forward.

Your love and passion and commitment to people has been the driving force in our lives which keeps us going. Your sister's are so amazing. They are constantly stepping up to help others in one form or another. You made us all so proud. We miss you every minute of every day.
I love you baby. Happy Birthday, Matthew.

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