I woke up in pain at 4:30 this morning. I have been dealing with this arm thing, the doctor named, "frozen shoulder". Apparently, it's fairly common in older women who have had a previous injury. I'm an "OLDER WOMAN"?!!! WTF? Anyway, I get shooting pains down the entire length of my arm starting at my left shoulder blade and traveling downward to my hand. Fun Times!!!! The good news is, the doctor said it can heal. The bad news is, it can take up to 2 years! I typed all of this, just to say why I got up at 4:30AM.
I guess, now, I can write about what is "REALLY" going on in my mind?! I have been reading a book called, A Course in Miracles, for many years now. I first picked it up about 30 years ago. My favorite spiritual teacher, Marianne Williamson, would often talk about this book and I actually had some cassette tapes that she had recorded called, the principles of The Course in Miracles, or something like that?
I couldn't understand any of the writing in this book 30 years ago. So, I put it down. I would pick it back up again every now and then with the same confusing outcome. That is, until about 4 years ago. I started at the beginning of the book, which is very thick, and the paper from the pages reminds me of the paper from the bible.
I have the combined version of this very unique book, which consists of:
1. Text
2. Workbook for Students
3. Manual for Teachers
I have been actively reading, studying, and practicing, the workings of this book for the last 4 years. I still don't understand a lot of it; but, I do, NOW get some of it. The more I read it the clearer some of the lessons become.
The main principles that I have gathered from A Course in Miracles (ACIM), is Love and Forgiveness. These principles being the exact reasons I have continued to read this book.
In these last, nearly 13 years, since Matthew was murdered, my mind, body, and spirit, have undergone many changes and challenges. Many times, I have felt like I am literally going insane. I have tried to eat my way through my anger, confusion, pain, and grief.
Although, I am grateful that I haven't made the decision to pick up any mind or mood altering chemicals since 1990. No one would blame me if I did!
This is where my confusion sets in. I am learning that forgiveness is the answer to ALL OF IT! You know, this "LIFE" that I am living or just surviving some days. I do know that when I truly feel the effects of forgiveness for myself and for others, I Feel GOOD! When I'm in judgement, anger, resentment, and self-pity, I feel AWFUL! This is where I tend to harm myself with lots of bad food, and negative self-talk. I will then outwardly harm others with my rudeness and accusatory tone. It's a SHIT SHOW!
Much is and has been happening in our "world"! It is so easy to get "caught up" in the negative. I see myself and the people that I love, acting in hateful and self defeating ways. Again, who can blame us? This world looks so bleak and hopeless with all the sickness, death, violence, racism, genocide, neglect, homelessness, greed...I can go on, But, We all know! We see it all day everyday.
What if I can turn this around in myself? How can I stop acting hateful and accusatory? What will it look like if I can wake up with forgiveness for myself and others? What if I ask myself, each time that I WAKE UP, Good morning, Teresa. Today, do you want to be RIGHT or do you want to be HAPPY"?
I can honestly say that when I do this, I FEEL BETTER! When I do this, I feel hopeful and I have a deep sense of Peace.
So, why is it, then, that I choose NOT to do this? I'm not sure? My only answer is that, I'm human. My EGO (edging GOD out) is sometimes louder.
I can say that this book has helped me to look at and to practice love and forgiveness more than I ever have in my life. I can say I don't have the answers to world peace. I only know what works in my life to give me peace. I will focus more on practicing what works for me. If I am more forgiving and loving, maybe, just maybe, it will change the way I SEE this world.
