It is difficult to believe that it is already Friday, AGAIN! The minutes, days, weeks, and months are moving past so quickly. I feel like I can't keep up!
The last month or so I have been trying to give myself a lot of love. Several of my beautiful friends and family are suffering in one way or another. I try to not take on their pain, but, I have found THAT to be a difficult task.
My heart aches for them, as well as, the parents and loved ones of the 19 murdered children and their two teachers on May 24th 2022. I haven't been able to focus on much of anything since. The anxiety I feel has been running the show of my life for a while now.
I have forced myself to show up for events, meetings, of and work. Most of the time I feel better once I get there. Although, there have been a couple of events that I attended where I left feeling even MORE trauma and anxiety. It has felt like the entire world is spinning out of control.
Since Matt's murder I have put so much of my focus and energy into seeing the good instead of the ugly. I have been devastated over and over again by the heinousness and evil all around. I have also been able to find gratitude in SOMETHING, in the midst of it all. Although, these last couple of months or so, I have found that my gratitude is dwindling.
I believe it has to do with the fact that the people whom I have historically went to for support are also feeling this doom. I find this terrifying.
I was informed late last night that Matt's murderer has a son who is a Jr. That son, wrote a book about his dad and the murder of Matt. OMG! REALLY? Can my mind be blown anymore?
I am continuing to practice SELF-CARE whatever THAT means? To some people my self-care appears SELFISH. I can't be swayed by that....but, I AM!
Today, is a new day and I will TRY AGAIN to care for myself and MY NEEDS. To be honest, I'm not sure what my needs are? I do know that I want a clear mind and a healed heart. I think, I will focus on saying that as my mantra today. In my heart of hearts I do believe that the good does outweigh the ugly. I'm simply having a hard time seeing THAT right now. I won't give up looking for the Good!
God, clear my mind and heal my heart. Guide my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. Give me the eyes to see, the ears to hear, and the words to speak. And so it is.
