Friday, December 30, 2011

Just what I needed this morning

I have been sitting here in front of the computer for over an hour. I posted the facebook quotes and was searching my mind for something to write. I feel emotionless at the moment. We laid mom to rest yesterday in a beautiful service with many of her family and friends. It was emotional but at the same time, it was so beautiful. She is finally with my dad. The love of her life. I am so grateful that she is not in pain and is no longer suffering. Her life was full of loss and yet she remained funny and so loving all the way till the end.  I have been going through facebook and just came across this Maya Angelou quote. I had to repost it because it was exactly what I needed to read at this exact moment. Thank you God for giving me so much love, peace, and comfort. I'm filled with gratitude knowing that this place here on earth is NOT our final resting spot. I look forward to being with my family and friends who are already free of every care and all pain.

“I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” 
― Maya Angelou

Monday, December 26, 2011


This Monday morning I am once again examining my life Although, I can see the sun shining through the blinds, I know that it is extremely cold outside. I am in my warm safe house but I feel sad right now.
 Miles is asleep on the couch next to the Christmas tree. I want today to be a regular normal day but it's not. It's Monday Dec. 26, 2011. My mom died on Friday. Christmas was yesterday and things are really different. My brothers children will be here this week. We will have a memorial service for mom on Thursday. I have been busy getting her things in order. My mind is saying....what in the hell is happening here? I just want this part to be done!
Mom suffered through her many health issues for a lot of years. She was tired and told us so. I was prepared for maybe a  few more years with mom. We had just finished bringing all of her belongings to her new home with us. I am truly grateful for the short time that mom was here.
It all changed again! 
This is Life! What we plan and what God has planned, are so different at times! 

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Christmas Eve morning I am up early again. I will not be getting ready to go to the hospital today, as I have since last Monday. Mom passed away yesterday at 12:42 PM. It was a decision that mom made long ago.
 She did not want to be kept on the ventilator. She was unable to breathe without it. The Doctors tried day after day to get her to breathe without the help of the machine, but she was too tired and weak. She wanted to go be with her husband, her brothers and sisters and little Matt. It was very difficult and painful for us. Although, we all knew that it was absolutely what mom wanted. My heart is broken yet again.
I was reminded of the words I had heard from my favorite author, Marianne Williamson. It is a blessing to be in the presence of the dying! I did and do feel blessed. I know that it brought comfort to mom to know that we were helping her transition from this life to the eternal life with God and all of the people she has loved and missed. I am sad for my loss and the loss felt by moms friends and family. I am also filled with peace knowing that mom is finally free of all the pain and suffering that her tired body had endured.
Rest in Peace Mom. I love you and we will all be together again.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Day 4

It's day 4 of mom being in the ICU at David Grant Medical Center. Last Monday I had taken mom in for a fistulagram. The Doctors also wanted to look at moms heart, (which is only working at 15%). They were not able to get an IV started in moms arm because all of her veins are shot. The IV was then started in her neck. The fistula gram was successful. When they began to go through her artery to do a cardiac catherization, her body started to fill with fluid from the IV in her neck. Mom could not breathe from all of the fluid inside of her. They then decided to intubate her. She was incredibly critical at this point. The Doctors inserted a chest tube to begin to remove all the fluid from her. She needed to have a transfusion and added fluids to her body. All of this extra fluid was causing her heart to work harder.
 Mom has now made it through 3 nights of this. Her body is tired. They have tried to remove the breathing tube but have not been successful. She hasn't been able to take in the amount of air needed to survive without the help of the machine. They will try again today.
Mom we love you so very much. We are so grateful that we took the beautiful Christmas pictures with you last Sunday. You are an amazing strong woman. I know where I get it from!
Thank you God for allowing me to be the daughter I am today.
I love you Mom

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Several Angels in my life

Again, I am up before the light of day. I  have already had a cup of coffee. As I'm sitting her typing, I see Miles asleep on the couch next to the Christmas tree. I made mom her favorite oatmeal and a cup of coffee. I can't help but feel blessed this moment. I have so much love in my life.
It feels good to have a purpose. I know that life can seem chaotic and a little scary at times. I have lived through some of those times. I now know that there is really nothing to be scared of!
Raymond and I were talking about some of the stupid things we did when we were young. I know that I for one, should not be alive to write about them now. I put so many people, who loved me, through much unnecessary drama, which I created on a daily basis. I thank God that I don't live like that today!!!!!
Today is going to be a day of clearing out the old to make room for the new. We will finish clearing out moms apartment and then cleaning it. Mom will be having surgery again tomorrow morning. I don't want her to have anything on her mind when she goes in. All the loose ends are nearly completed.

Another Blessed Day

Saturday, December 17, 2011

I can't believe that it is Saturday already! I'm up before the sun this morning. It feels great to have a little time with me.
 I am so blessed to be able to bring  mom into our home and care for her. It has been a bit challenging. I know that God has a plan. I feel sad that mom has lost a lot of control of the simple things she used to be able to do. I'm so grateful that she can express her frustration to me. She wants to do all of the things that she did before, but her body will not allow her to anymore.
Although, I get overwhelmed at times, I think about how overwhelming it is for her! Life takes us through all kinds of experiences. We can accept each experience and go with it....or we can resist each experience and be angry and resentful. I've tried it both ways....I will continue to choose the non resistance, go with it, attitude as best as I can. As long as I ask God to guide me I will be ok. 
I can choose to be the best me that I can be. I have to practice daily. Sometimes minute by minute. I often have to start my day over. The gift is, that I have the opportunity TO Start OVER in whatever moment I choose to.
I can see how our family has come together through all of our life experiences. We understand that each moment is a gift to do something awesome with.

God, Thank you

Thursday, December 15, 2011

It's a new day, and with it, many changes. Mom has moved in with us. The wheelchair ramps have been made. Her oxygen is in her room. She has all her belongings with her, again. We have already had several Doctors appointments. Today we will see the cardiologist for a pre-op to have a cardiac cath. Her heart is not doing good. We have made some arrangements to have a friend help me to do some of the daily duties of caring for mom. I now realize that my sister did a pretty good job, with her limited resources....
God has been so good to us all. I am finally free of the resentments that I carried with me for many years.
I feel blessed and honored to be able to help my mother.