I take ME wherever I go.

Earlier today I found out that a couple people whom I love very much decided to start drinking again. My heart aches. It aches for many reasons. It aches because I have loved these people for a very long time. In fact, one of them has been a dear friend to me for more than 20 years. We have shared our pain, anger and sadness as well as our joys and triumphs.

How do I cope with the pain and sadness caused by their decision to drink again, after years without? How do I deal with the anger that I feel towards them for making a decision that not only affects each of them but so many others as well? I don't know how, just yet. But, I do know one thing for sure, I'm not drinking!

These friends are not the first to make the decision to use again and they won't be the last. Although, I have to say the depth of pain I feel surrounding these two going back out is multiplied by 100.

 My mind is going a million miles a minute wondering how the decision to drink started for each of them and when? What made them think this was a "good" idea? Did they contemplate why? how? when? and where? Did each of these amazingly intelligent, kind and loving people stop and think about what the consequences will look like?

I myself have thought before about maybe drinking again. I guess the only difference between them and myself is that I talk about it. I shared about how I wanted to stop being in the miserable pain I was feeling. I wanted to escape from ME somehow. There is NO ESCAPING the hurt, pain and sadness. I have to walk through it to get to the other side.

 I'm still not fully to the other side, and I'm not sure I ever will be.  I do know that the pain would only be that much worse if I had decided to use a mind altering, mood changing substance to "deal" with it all! I take ME wherever I go.

 I have to allow myself to be vulnerable and human. I have to share with people who love me, that I need some help. I have to tell someone when I'm feeling Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. I have to share the ugly stuff that goes on in my head. I have to acknowledge that I am far from having it "all together".  I also have to share about the beautiful stuff too. There is lots of it.

I just needed to get all of this out of me. My heart aches, my head hurts, and I'm very sad. I will continue to pray for my beautiful friends and hope that they make another decision to stop.

God, clear my mind and heal my heart. Give me the eyes to see, the ears to hear, and the words to speak. Guide my thoughts, feelings and perceptions. Guide me to where YOU would have me go. Fill me with love, compassion, forgiveness and courage.

Amen