My mom has been gone for over 5 years now. I had already planned to go and place new flowers at her resting place. I promised my sister that I would send her pictures of the flowers because she had to work today and couldn’t make it.
I know going there to the cemetery means that I will also visit my son at his resting place. I hate the fact that for the last 8 years, 8 months, and 12 days I haven’t seen my son alive. I haven’t heard him laugh. I haven’t yelled at him for the hair gel he has left on my good towels in the bathroom and also on the door handles in nearly every room of the house. I hate the fact that I go to a cemetery on Mother’s Day to place flowers in vases on a wall where my son is encased.
GOD, I HATE THIS! Why? Why? Why? Why is this OUR reality? Why GOD? I have so many questions for You - GOD!
Today, when I arrived at Matt’s place in the wall, another woman was sitting on the bench crying. This woman was obviously overcome with grief. I wanted to reach out to her but decided to let her be.
I placed my bag of flowers down, along with my pillow in front of Matt’s spot. You see, he is on the bottom of the wall so I have to sit on the pillow to arrange his flowers and replace pictures.
I said hello to the crying woman. She said hello and then she asked me if I was Matt’s mom. I said, “Yes, I am.” I then asked her if I could give her a hug. She said, “Yes”. We hugged long. We cried a deep Mother’s Day cry. She was also there visiting her son in the wall.
Phillip was her only child. He was killed in an accident in 2005. He had a three year old son that was left behind. She told me she felt that her grandson was a gift from God. I understood why she felt that way. At least she still had a part of her son here. But, I still want to know WHY-GOD?
We don’t get to know why. It is what it is. Until me and God have a two way conversation I have decided to believe that something good will come out of all of this devastation and heartbreak. I mean, I know a lot of good has come since Matt was killed. I just think that much more good would have come with him still here! Again I want to know WHY-GOD?
Meeting the woman crying at the wall today was good. We got to talk about our boys. We shared our lives with each other. The vulnerability that comes when you have suffered such a great loss is a blessing. We don’t have anything to hide because our hearts have been broken open. I do see this as good! BUT, I still want to know WHY- GOD?
I’m incredibly grateful to have two amazing, beautiful, strong and smart grown daughters. This life has been extremely difficult for them both. The loss of a sibling isn’t talked about much. The loss of a sibling to murder is hardly mentioned at all. They have found ways to move forward. I am very proud of these amazing women that I am honored to call my daughters.
Being able to hear their voices every day is my saving grace. I love them both so much. I thank God for them every day. I love my girls. I just miss their brother and will always want to know…WHY-GOD?
I have learned a lot in this lifetime and I have so much more to learn. I’m grateful for the love and friendships that I have. I want to be able to cherish and be grateful for each moment. I am for the most part. But, I still want to know…WHY- GOD?
So, I will continue to pray every day for God to Clear my mind and heal my heart. Guide my thoughts, feelings and perceptions. Give me the eyes to see, the ears to hear, and the words to speak. Amen