Another beautiful day!

I have been trying to "will" this cold away for a couple of days now....It's not working. My cough seems to be getting worse and I have the typical runny nose and headache. This has been my first week back to work after 15 days. My immune system seems to be shot.
 I will continue to take the medication to suppress my symptoms and pray that this ends before tomorrow evening. I am going on a women's retreat for the weekend. I am so looking forward to this time.

I was looking on my daughters facebook page and came across this quote: I LOVE IT!

Favorite Quotations

“This is what you shall do: love the earth and sun, and animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence towards the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown, or to any man or number of men; go freely with the powerful uneducated persons, and with the young, and mothers, of families: read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life: re-examine all you have been told at school or church, or in any books, and dismiss whatever insults your soul.”
-Walt Whitman

Have a wonderful day!

Is this January?

It is a beautiful Wednesday morning. I have a hard time believing that it's January 4, 2012 when the sun is so bright. The last couple of days have been gorgeous. I had to take the car through the car wash this morning. That just seems weird to me. I am grateful for the sun, although I know that we need the rain. The sun just has a way of helping my attitude!

I went back to work yesterday. It was very busy in the pharmacy. But, it felt good to have a routine again. I am   so grateful for my job and my awesome co- workers.
I still have a couple of things of my mothers to take care of. Like a bill we just received from the hospital yesterday. They are charging us for her 4 day stay? Anyway, I know that God has a plan. I am so grateful to everyone for all the love and support shown to our family.

Little Miles went back to school yesterday. I have been worried about how he is dealing with this? He has had several losses in the last few years....2 grandmothers, his grandfather, his cousin Matt, and now his I.E. ( he couldn't say Aunt Anne when he was little, so he called mom I.E.). I informed his teacher so she could keep an eye on him too. We talk with Miles a lot about death and heaven and sickness. He is an amazing kid!

As for me, I am once again re-evaluating what I am doing? I want to really get focused on MY PURPOSE for being HERE! I want to try and find a balance. LOL I'm not very good at that!
 I will continue to ask God to Clear my mind and Heal my heart. To guide me to wherever I'm supposed to go and do whatever it is I'm supposed to do. God, give me the words to speak, the eyes to see, and the ears to hear.
Amen

Feeling peace

 I have been talking about the last couple weeks of moms life, but I haven't really written them down. 

  Mom wanted to make sure that all 3 of her children were OK. Mom was very happy that Tonya was happy with her new love, Justin. She was excited that Tonya was in her new apartment in Santa Cruz.

 Mom would not move in with us until  she knew that Tonya was secure. 

She was happy that Terry is happy in his life.

This information is incredibly healing to me. Mom knew she was at the end of this life. She was making sure that everything was in place before she gave herself permission to go. My mother was always a strong determined woman. Oh and a bit stubborn. 

I know that I was given a huge gift. The last week or so with my mom was the most rewarding for me. About a week before she was hospitalized, I had blogged about how grateful I was, to be able to move her into our home and take care of her. I shared how the years of resentment that I choose to carry, was now gone. Everything we did and everywhere that mom and I went, was effortless, that last week. Mom got her hair done 2 days before her procedure , that she never came home from. We took Christmas pictures with her the day before. Her and I had coffee each morning when she woke up. She loved having coffee in the morning. We got to watch the finale of Survivor that Sunday night. 

I was given the gift of telling my mom that she was a great mom, that I loved her so much, and to not be scared. I asked her to tell Matt that I love and miss him so much.

My life is good. Thank you God!

The path that God has given me to walk along, is a healing one. I get to feel all of these feelings.

 I get to embrace each moment.

God has a plan for each one of us. I am eternally grateful to be HERE to LIVE this LIFE.

 I pray each day to remain Open to whatever God has for me to See, to Do, to say, and to Hear.

Just what I needed this morning

I have been sitting here in front of the computer for over an hour. I posted the facebook quotes and was searching my mind for something to write. I feel emotionless at the moment. We laid mom to rest yesterday in a beautiful service with many of her family and friends. It was emotional but at the same time, it was so beautiful. She is finally with my dad. The love of her life. I am so grateful that she is not in pain and is no longer suffering. Her life was full of loss and yet she remained funny and so loving all the way till the end.  I have been going through facebook and just came across this Maya Angelou quote. I had to repost it because it was exactly what I needed to read at this exact moment. Thank you God for giving me so much love, peace, and comfort. I'm filled with gratitude knowing that this place here on earth is NOT our final resting spot. I look forward to being with my family and friends who are already free of every care and all pain.


“I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” 
― Maya Angelou

Overwhelmed

This Monday morning I am once again examining my life Although, I can see the sun shining through the blinds, I know that it is extremely cold outside. I am in my warm safe house but I feel sad right now.

 Miles is asleep on the couch next to the Christmas tree. I want today to be a regular normal day but it's not. It's Monday Dec. 26, 2011. My mom died on Friday. Christmas was yesterday and things are really different. My brothers children will be here this week. We will have a memorial service for mom on Thursday. I have been busy getting her things in order. My mind is saying....what in the hell is happening here? I just want this part to be done!

Mom suffered through her many health issues for a lot of years. She was tired and told us so. I was prepared for maybe a  few more years with mom. We had just finished bringing all of her belongings to her new home with us. I am truly grateful for the short time that mom was here.

It all changed again! 

This is Life! What we plan and what God has planned, are so different at times! 

Christmas Eve morning I am up early again. I will not be getting ready to go to the hospital today, as I have since last Monday. Mom passed away yesterday at 12:42 PM. It was a decision that mom made long ago.
 She did not want to be kept on the ventilator. She was unable to breathe without it. The Doctors tried day after day to get her to breathe without the help of the machine, but she was too tired and weak. She wanted to go be with her husband, her brothers and sisters and little Matt. It was very difficult and painful for us. Although, we all knew that it was absolutely what mom wanted. My heart is broken yet again.
I was reminded of the words I had heard from my favorite author, Marianne Williamson. It is a blessing to be in the presence of the dying! I did and do feel blessed. I know that it brought comfort to mom to know that we were helping her transition from this life to the eternal life with God and all of the people she has loved and missed. I am sad for my loss and the loss felt by moms friends and family. I am also filled with peace knowing that mom is finally free of all the pain and suffering that her tired body had endured.
Rest in Peace Mom. I love you and we will all be together again.

Day 4

It's day 4 of mom being in the ICU at David Grant Medical Center. Last Monday I had taken mom in for a fistulagram. The Doctors also wanted to look at moms heart, (which is only working at 15%). They were not able to get an IV started in moms arm because all of her veins are shot. The IV was then started in her neck. The fistula gram was successful. When they began to go through her artery to do a cardiac catherization, her body started to fill with fluid from the IV in her neck. Mom could not breathe from all of the fluid inside of her. They then decided to intubate her. She was incredibly critical at this point. The Doctors inserted a chest tube to begin to remove all the fluid from her. She needed to have a transfusion and added fluids to her body. All of this extra fluid was causing her heart to work harder.
 Mom has now made it through 3 nights of this. Her body is tired. They have tried to remove the breathing tube but have not been successful. She hasn't been able to take in the amount of air needed to survive without the help of the machine. They will try again today.
Mom we love you so very much. We are so grateful that we took the beautiful Christmas pictures with you last Sunday. You are an amazing strong woman. I know where I get it from!
Thank you God for allowing me to be the daughter I am today.
I love you Mom