The never ending nightmare

It was 3 years ago tonight, that the worst nightmare a parent could have...Happened! I still can't believe that you are gone. Everything has been a blur since Sept. 1, 2008. We try to do what we know that you would want us to do. It's so hard. God this aching in my heart hurts so bad. I can't even breath sometimes.
I'm NOT Strong!
I'm a mom who struggles everyday to keep my sanity. I'm a mom who tries to be here for our girls. I'm a mom who wants my boy to visit me in my dreams, but it never happens. I'm a mom who wants to do the right thing for the right reason. I'm a mom who constantly asks WHY,WHY,WHY?
I'm a mom who sometimes thinks....God, what did I do that was so bad?

I know that God has a plan. I can't even try to imagine WHAT the plan could be, but I have to try to keep the faith. I struggle with remembering that God has called us all here. We are here for a reason. Some of us are here for a short time.

God please clear my mind and heal my heart.

WOW is the only word I can think of

I had a phone call at 7:00AM this morning from a court reporter, who was supposed to have the transcript from the murder trial of Henry Don Williams, (the murderer of my only son Matt) ready for me to pick up at 8:30AM in Vallejo. She called to tell me that the transcript was not ready STILL.

 Let me just share my encounters with this entire situation. God please clear my mind and Heal my heart!

I first asked for the transcripts from both trials back in Jan. I received the transcript of the Gene Allen Combs trial, last March. The cost for that transcript was $322.98. Remember,  Gene Allen Combs trial was actually AFTER Henry Don Williams trial. I have several saved voice messages since Jan. from the court reporter for the Henry Don Williams transcript.With the reasons why she was not able to have the transcript ready. Finally, in June she called with the estimate of $677.60 for the transcript. I informed her that I absolutely wanted them please print them for me. She assured me that they would be printed. Another phone call later, she said she would not print them until I handed her a check for $677.60. I have left her  2 messages that I have the check and would like to come to Vallejo to pick up the trial transcript from the murder of my son. No return call. I was so frustrated that I called the D.A. and asked him to find out what is going on? This is the second time I have spoken to the DA about these transcripts and this particular court reporter. He called me yesterday and said that he spoke to her and that the transcripts are ready. I then called the court reporter and she answered this time! She then proceeded to tell me that her portion of the transcript was still not completed because she ran out of toner.....Wow Really? She said that they would be done this morning by 8:30AM. I woke up early to get ready to go to Vallejo. I had missed a call at 7:00AM this morning. Guess who? YES, The court reporter. The transcript is STILL NOT READY. Why do you think that it has taken almost a year to have THIS particular transcript ready for me? The transcript had to be copied already anyway for the appellate court! From day one, since the murder of Matt, nothing has looked right!
God, fill me with peace and understanding.

Good Sunday morning!

It has been a while since my last posting. Our youngest daughter was hospitalized for several days. She is out now and doing much better. She had a terrible infection. Being at the hospital with another one of my children was scary, to say the least. I felt grateful that she could communicate with us, unlike Matthew. I was constantly praying for God to remove all the negative thoughts that continued to try and barge their way into me. It WORKED! Thanks God.

Along with the uncertainty of our daughters illness, we also had to deal with the knowledge of people coming out of the woodwork trying to claim the $50,000 reward money ( from our city) for information leading to the murder of our son, Matt.
One of the many people vying for the reward money, actually called me. He wanted to assure me that he was a friend of Matt's and he was very deserving of the money. Oh and also that his family could really use the money since they just recently lost their house. I hung up on him. Yeah, I lost my only son to violence....I really don't care about your house dude! Oh and by the way, he never testified at the trial, He said he feared for his life and his family lives. Although, he didn't seem to have any problem filling out a application for reward money. His name will be made public!

Just some things that make me go....huh?

Aside from all of that garbage, which in the big scheme of things, doesn't really mean much of anything, we feel so blessed to have our youngest daughter home and getting well. Our oldest daughter is doing fantastic.  We know that God has a plan. We believe that we are here for a reason!  We will continue to allow God to guide us and give us the words to speak, the eyes to see, and the ears to hear whatever HE would have for us.

GOD, give me Clarity and Wisdom

I am sitting here at the computer once again. I have looked up the inmate address for Gene Allen Combs. I feel the need to write to him. I want to know what else he wanted to tell me before he was sent to prison? The one and only letter that I received from him was from Oct. 5, 2010, the day after he was sentenced to 15 years to life for his role in my only son's murder. He had a lot to say about what really happened on the night of Sept. 1, 2008. I want to hear what he has to say face to face.


 I am so very grateful to everyone in my life today. Our family is so fortunate to have the community of love and support that we have. I wish that all of the love and support could heal my heart. 
Things just continue to pop up and I continue to ask GOD, "What do you want me to do with this"? 


A couple weeks ago I was informed that some of the reward money (from Matt's murder) would be given to several individuals. I had never heard this before? I asked WHO would be given the money? There are 2 people that I absolutely believe should be given the reward money. Then there are a few that I can not believe were even considered to be given ANY reward money! This nightmare never ends. The irony of this reward money situation is, Some criminals will be rewarded with cash for their help...(even though 1 of them was supposed to testify in the trials, but decided not to). and I have to pay the County over $1000 to have copies of the transcripts from both trials of the men who killed my only son. WOW, Really?  So, I will continue to voice my outrage at a system that allowed the driver of the car of murderers, to go free with ZERO consequences for her role in my son's murder. I will continue to voice my outrage at a system that allows the victims families to be victimized over and over again to protect the rights of murderers and criminals...and even reward.
 God, help us all.

Another Sunday

I received a email this morning from my cousin Victoria who lives in Ohio. Our Uncle Joe passed away last night.
The email instantly sent a load of memories to my mind. I will always remember Uncle Joe as a kind but stern man. He was hilarious. He reminded me of Fred Flintstone! LOL.
 He had helped me get out of a situation during a dark time of my life.
 I will always cherish that memory.
I called my mom to let her know. She now has only 1 sibling left, out of 10, Her oldest brother, Uncle Mart.
 I love you mom, and I'm so sorry.
It is so difficult to grasp the finality of death. I don't believe I will ever be able to process that idea!
In my opinion, we don't die.
 I feel Matt around me constantly. I believe, that I have let him go.
But, does that mean that when I smell his cologne or feel his presence...that I am allowing my mind to play tricks on me? NO, I believe that when we die, our bodies leavebut our spirits are all around us.
If I remain Open to God and to the flow of life. I GET to feel and see things. I am truly Blessed. I thank God each and everyday for the AWESOME gifts that HE continues to give me.
I will continue to pray for an open and clear mind and a healed heart. I will ask GOD daily to give me the ears to hear, the eyes to see, and the heart to feel. Guide me to where YOU would have me go. Place me in the situations that You would have me in. And, give me the words that You would have me speak. God Bless each and everyone of us on this day and everyday.
 Remind us of who WE are! Allowing our light to shine.

Amen

How do WE keep it together?

Here I am again, laying in my bed with my computer. The last couple of days have been extremely difficult for me. I continue to do what I always do. I wake up, pray, read something inspiring to help motivate me, and then I post a couple quotes on my facebook pages. But, I am still unmoved and unmotivated.
My soul never stops aching. I feel very tired in my mind and body.
 I pray for a clear mind and a healed heart daily. There is always a deep pain and loneliness that never ceases.
The girls seem to be doing ok. My God, how I have tried to make sure that I have been there for them. Will I ever really know? Will the girls ever really know what this nightmare has done to them? None of us will ever be the same again.
How do WE keep it together?  I will continue to pray for a clear mind and a healed heart. God, guide me in the direction that you would have me go. Fill me and our family with the strength and perseverance to continue to move forward. I do have faith that God has a plan. I just get tired.

God, Clear my Mind and Heal my Heart

It's a little after 9:00AM the house is still quiet. The sun is out and the sky is clear. I am trying to stay in this moment. My thoughts are all over the place....what to do first, where am I going today. I need to find this book that I have been looking for. It's in the garage in a box. If I go in the garage to look for it, I will have to move and go through some of Matt's things. I know I should...but, I just can't bring myself to do it! Oh my God, is my heart ever going to heal, even a little? I always feel so lost. I just keep going, going, and going. I don't know where I am going but I just think that I CAN"T stop moving or I will die. Have I failed my girls because of my grief?
God, Please clear my mind and heal my heart!