Love instead of Hate

I woke up later than usual this morning thinking about the dream or rather the nightmare that I had.
I usually try to talk/write about the dreams I have to take the power out of them. I didn't do that this morning. I just popped up and began my morning routine which consists of my husband bringing me a zeal and then a cup of coffee in bed. He's the best!

I watched a movie on Amazon Prime last night called, Peppermint. It stars, Jennifer Garner. She is with her family at a Christmas carnival in their town on December 21st which also happens to be her little girl, Carley's, birthday.

The three of them are shot by some gang/drug cartel. Riley North (Jennifer Garner) wakes up in the hospital. Her husband and little daughter are dead.

I hated watching this but I couldn't stop watching at the same time. The judge let the three gang members/murderers go.

When Riley North realized that the men who gunned her family down would now walk free It ignited something deep inside of her. She wanted justice.

For the next five years, Riley went off the grid. In those years she trained in everything from Martial arts to cage fighting and learned how to use many different assault weapons.

The story went on to show how Riley used violence to get the justice she so wanted. I don't agree with violence but I found myself cheering for her from the comfort of my bed.

This brings me to why I'm sure I had the dreams/nightmares that I had. Just the day before this I had started to read through all of my journals. I was quickly reminded of all the injustice that we and other families have had to and continue to deal with.

I even had an entry in one of my journals about how a few of my friends had met with a couple of cops to talk about the murder of Matt. Two of the officers proceeded to tell them that they still believed that Matt was affiliated with gang members (as he sat on the city council). Really? Are you kidding me? That just pissed me off all over again!

I also came across an entry where Matt's murderer had printed up all my facebook posts while he was in county jail. I was livid that he was allowed to do that! The more I read the angrier I became.

 It was clear to me, ONCE AGAIN, that victims and the victims family have no rights. The rights are reserved for the perpetrators!

The years of court hearings and Matt's killer having the "right" to file motions for new trials, change in venue, requesting another attorney (on several occasions), representing himself, and so on. This went on for years.

I was always told, that if we didn't give him those rights he could come back and appeal. What are you saying? He still came back time and time again even after being denied. How many appeals does a murderer get? My son is dead! We didn't get to appeal anything. We just had to keep showing up to court, looking at this killer, and wondering how is any of this reasonable and acceptable. What about our boy, Matthew?

The story of Riley North, was just that, a story, making a good movie. The story of Matthew Garcia is our life. What happened to him, even while sitting on the city council, and then ten months later, being shot in the back of the head on Labor Day is a real life story of justice gone wrong.

Over these last ten plus years I have been in training too. I have been learning to master forgiveness and empathy. I've been training in research for victims. I've become somewhat of an expert in tenacity and perseverance. I've learned to use my voice to help those who can longer speak. My passion is to help others maneuver through the madness of not only having to deal with the murder of our children but the unrelenting madness of our system.

 Reminding myself on a daily basis that even though I don't physically see justice happening and that justice will be even harder to see with the new law SB 1437 I have to keep the faith that one day justice will be served.

Madness

I woke up this morning and knew that I had to write. My mind is all over the place. It jumps from one thought to the next in overdrive. These past few weeks have been a series of events that have me excited and hopeful one minute, then angry and scared the next. I can't seem to get a handle on my jumbled thoughts.

On January 2, 2019 a new law went into effect. Senate Bill 1437. It's a complicated law that will help those who have been charged with felony murder who were unwitting participants in the actual crime. Those unwitting participants will no longer be charged with a felony murder charge as they could have been before this new law. I get that! 

What this law does not do and who it doesn't protect is the victims' and their families.  Actually, the only reason myself and several other victim's families are even aware of this new law is because one of the mother's of a murdered son is in our Homicide Survivors Group which meets once a month. The new law has thrown the case of the four accused in her son's murder into a mistrial. 

This brings me to another issue that I have personally been dealing with for the last almost twenty years. My cousin, Kathy was murdered in April 1999. She was stabbed over fifty times and her body was dumped on Cherry Glen Road. That in itself is heinous enough, Right? 

The horror that followed with the "system" enhanced the heinousness of what happened to Kathy ten-fold. 

For eight long years Kathy's murderer was here in Fairfield at the county jail. He did a couple of stints at Atascadero due to the fact that he would act out in crazy ways during court proceedings and the defense attorneys would file motions for him to have mental evaluations at these different facilities. 

Again, this went on for eight years.

Here is my big issue aside from all of the madness our family suffered through with Kathy's murder and the eight years of court proceedings that followed.

Many times our family was not informed of court hearings or motions that had been filed. This is the job of our appointed Victim's Advocate under the District Attorney's Office. This continued to happen throughout the eight years before Kathy's murderer was FINALLY sentenced in 2007 to fifteen years to life for her murder. 

My son, Matthew Garcia, was murdered in 2008. Here we are again, our family has had to deal with the murder of Matthew, our beloved son, brother, grandson, cousin, nephew, and friend.

AGAIN,  Our family is Not being informed by our court appointed victims advocate, of court hearings/motions filed.

I understand that this is a systemic issue. In twenty years and three district attorney's later and the problem is still very significant. 

I hear from many victim family members on a regular basis about this huge issue. This problem of non-communication has perpetuated the feelings of lack of trust within our JUDICIAL SYSTEM!

I'm not stuck on the problem. I am all about how can we help get to a solution? How can we help out our VICTIMS ADVOCATES and the District Attorneys Office? 

Finding out about this new law by a fellow grieving mother instead of being informed that this law was coming down the pike, from our District Attorney/victims advocates, again, is just WRONG!

I still have yet to hear from anyone in the D.A.'s office concerning this new law? I find this disturbing.

Matt's case is  just one of the many cases that will be affected by this new law. You would think that SOMEONE, ANYONE in the system, would have made a simple phone call to say this is happening?

I just received an envelope in the mail from the District Attorneys Office. My heart dropped when I saw it. I understand that one of the men involved in Matt's murder will benefit from this new law. He may be getting out soon. I thought that I was somewhat ok with it, because he was the one who turned the three of them into the police. Raymond and I even had a 4 1/2 hour meeting with him two years ago, at the prison he is housed in. 

My feelings quickly changed when I saw this letter from the D.A.'s office. I felt myself getting anxious.When I did finally open the envelope, it was a subpoena. I am being called as a witness in another case.

I felt instant relief that this wasn't a notice informing me that the man involved in Matt's murder is being released early. I thought I had worked through most of this. I thought that I had come to a place of forgiveness; not for him but for myself. Well, I guess not. 

The letter from the D.A. is letting me know that I am being called as a witness in another horrific crime which happened across the street from us. The fact that I am feeling glad about this, is an indicator that I am NOT OK with an early release for one of the people involved in the murder of my boy. 

It would be nice to have had this information about SB1437 when it was filed. It would still be nice to hear from ANYONE in the D.A.'s office. 

Myself and several other victims family members could have voiced our concerns before Jerry Brown signed it into law. 

I'm not sure that it would have mattered, But, AGAIN, WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN INFORMED! We have NO RIGHTS. Our kids are dead and we have absolutely no SAY ABOUT ANY OF IT. 

Yes, I am mad, sad, and scared. 

I do have so much to be grateful for. I have an amazing family and friends. I have been blessed with my little precious grandson whom I adore and want to protect from all this madness. 

It feels like we are always up against something! I'm not sure what any of this constant madness means? I do know that myself and many other victim's family's are tired of being placed on the back burner of a system that needs an overhaul. 

Taking ownership of the life I want to live

It's easy to become cynical, ungrateful, and eventually hopeless. Especially, when the focus is on all that has been lost or taken. When life seems to have been so unfair and brutal. I've been there and can still go there today; if I want to.

I remember feeling the despair and only seeing darkness surround me. It was a place that I never  again want to be in.

I vowed to myself, my children and to God, that I WILL NEVER LOSE HOPE AGAIN!

I write so that I will always remember where I used to be. I write about the countless people, places, and things that I have to be grateful for. I keep practicing GRATITUDE! I don't Give up or Give in. I'm done with doing that to myself!

My life is far from perfect, but, I can say that it is nowhere near the dark and empty place that it used to be.

My mind is the decider. I get to choose how I want to see my life today. I get to decide how I want to live. I "Get" to take ownership of the Life that I want. I refuse to allow others to decide this for me.

I have been given an amazing gift to open my heart and mind to the beauty that is all around me.
Yes, I have sad, ungrateful, and self pity moments, I choose not to allow my mind to get stuck there. If I can't seem to shake those thoughts and feelings, I WRITE! I will give myself permission to lay down and rest.

I'm forever grateful for these tools. They have changed my life. Thank you, God!

A smokey cold November morning

As I lay here in my bed with the heater on to stay warm, all that I can think about is the thousands of people who have lost everything to these horrific fires. 

Many agencies are accepting donations such as new towels, new clothing, under garments, bras, sweatshirts, and shoes in all sizes. These donations can be accepted at the Butte County Fairgrounds in Gridley. 

The Yuba-Sutter Fairgrounds in Yuba City are in need of pet food and supplies including Hay for livestock. 

Butte County's Camp Fire Information is directing monetary donations to the North Valley Community Foundation - Camp Fire Evacuation Relief Fund: https://www.nvcf.org/

Contact: Logan Todd
ltodd@nvcf.org

530-366-0397

Fund Purpose

The North Valley Community Foundation is activating the Northern California Fire Relief Fund to raise money to support the operations of organizations that are sheltering evacuees of the Camp Fire.

Similar Funds

North Valley Disaster Relief Fund

Northern California Fire Relief Fund

Butte County Schools Fire Relief Fund

Being Fifty-two

Today, I'm another year older and I hope a little wiser. My heart is extremely full from all the birthday wishes I have already received this morning. I am truly blessed with the most amazing family and friends. Thank you!

I find it hard to believe that I am fifty-two years old today. So much has happened in my life that has shaped and molded me into who I am today. I'm grateful that I have been "present" for most of it.

Today, my spirit is filled up by the simple things in life which costs nothing.

1. Spending quality time with loved ones

2. Being Kind to myself and others

3. Being a better version of me each day

4. Focusing more on WHAT IS  POSSIBLE

5. Finding gratitude in "something" every day

Thanks GOD

September 1, 2018 10 Years Later

 Ten years ago today, my son and I had our last face to face conversation. Matt was later shot and died. I have been asked many times over the years if time really does heal? I can honestly say for me, things get different but my heart is forever shattered and devastated that my boy is not here.

 For the rest of our lives, Matthew will remain twenty-two years old.

How do I reconcile this fact within myself, my soul, and my spirit? I do a lot of “stuff”! In the first five years after this horrific day, I poured myself into anything I could. I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want to think. It occurred to me that if I could keep my mind and my body busy with a lot of outside things, I could be ok.

It never worked! Everything I did had to do with Matt. I even ran for, the city council in 2009 and lost. I wanted to not only try and continue on with his passion but I also wanted to get a sense of what things were like for him on the council.

Matthew would come home after some council meetings and lay on my lap (like he did as a little boy) so I could massage his head. He would tell us that things were so crazy and that we wouldn’t believe some of it. I would often ask him to tell me what happened/happening that made things so crazy or unbelievable? He would always say, “I can’t’ discuss it with you, Mom” Matt was a great rule follower.

I would continue to rub his head until he was ready to run out the door again for his next meeting or event. He had an enormous amount of energy. He could never rest for long. He had many things to do, places to go, and people to meet.

Matt loved his family, friends, and community. He wanted to better our city. He knew it was going to take long hours, dedication, and commitment. He was absolutely up for the challenge to ensure our citizens lived in a place they could be proud of.

Matt always saw the amazing potential in people and our Fairfield. He was that person who would sit down and talk with you about your concerns no matter what else he had going on. I can tell you that even ten years later, people come to us and share a Matt story they had.

 Each and every new story shared with us is about how Matt took the time to sit and talk with them. It’s simply amazing to us how Matt was able to touch so many lives in such a short time. But, that he did!

Here we are ten years later. My heart aches still but I am also overwhelmed by the continued love and support we receive every day. You, our community, have helped us to heal in ways that I never thought possible. Because of you, we have been able to Keep Matt’s Dream Alive by supporting youth, which in turn helps stop crime, and coming together, in all of this, strengthen's our community.

I want to thank our former and present board members, advisory board members, and volunteers, you all have been the backbone of The Matt Garcia Foundation. I want to give a huge shout out to those of you who have supported us financially, without you, none of the things accomplished in the last ten years would have been possible. Thank you to our community leaders for always supporting us and recognizing Matt. Thank you to our community at large, each and every one of you, for Keeping the Dream Alive! Here’s to another ten years.

Matt's 2008 Cadillac CTS

I just needed to type out all of the nonsense regarding Matt's car.
When I returned home on July 22nd from my annual women's retreat, I was going to drive to the store. I noticed that the power steering wasn't working also the indicator dash confirmed to "Service Power Steering". I parked the car back in the driveway. I took my husbands truck instead.

We dropped the car off to our local dealership on Friday, July 27th. It was later in the day so they said they would get to it on Monday.

We did hear back from the dealership until Monday letting Raymond know that the cost of the power steering mechanism and all the other issues that they found would come to $3300.00 They said they would give us a 10% discount. On Tuesday Raymond told them that we couldn't afford that so they said they would give us a 20% discount. They were told to go ahead with all the repairs. With the 20% off that would leave us paying close to $2700.00 I decided that it was worth it to have Matt's car fixed.
The dealership said that they hoped to have it back to us by Friday, August 3rd. On Friday we were told that some of the parts still had not come in and so we would have the car back on Tuesday, August 7th. That did not happen either! They were having a hard time with the driver's side door installing the new mechanism for the locks.

Finally, On Friday, August 10th I said I don't care about the driver's side door I just needed my car back. It had been 2 weeks!!!

We arrived at the dealership around 5:30pm I wrote the check to the dealership for $2656.06.  As I drove down interstate 80 I noticed that the car was making a loud noise. It sounded exactly like it did when we took it to the dealership on July 27th. Moments later the same power steering indicator came on and my steering wheel became hard to turn. I just paid nearly $2700 to have this replaced and here we are not even 15 minutes later with The SAME ISSUE two weeks after them having my car!

To say I'm not Happy would be an understatement! They picked me up at Target where I had pulled in. We went back to the dealership and they have my car once again. They said they would hopefully not have to charge me more. That statement shocked me. How would you charge me MORE when the problem has not been fixed? They did give me a loaner car but acted like they were really doing me a favor by not charging me for it! Wow!

BTW, the dealership cashed my check the very next day even though they still have my car?

So now, here we are another week later Today is Friday, August 17th. I still do not have my car. They told my husband that it will be another nearly $500 with another 20% discount. This time it's an EM component? Oh, and the wrong part was ordered so that is why it's taking longer.

 I do realize that the car is 10 years old. I have taken very good care of it. Matthew loved his car.
 I don't know much about cars or what it takes to fix them but I am shocked that my car has been in the shop for 3 weeks they cashed my check without the problem being fixed and the car still there and are going to charge us even more!