Love instead of Hate

I woke up later than usual this morning thinking about the dream or rather the nightmare that I had.
I usually try to talk/write about the dreams I have to take the power out of them. I didn't do that this morning. I just popped up and began my morning routine which consists of my husband bringing me a zeal and then a cup of coffee in bed. He's the best!

I watched a movie on Amazon Prime last night called, Peppermint. It stars, Jennifer Garner. She is with her family at a Christmas carnival in their town on December 21st which also happens to be her little girl, Carley's, birthday.

The three of them are shot by some gang/drug cartel. Riley North (Jennifer Garner) wakes up in the hospital. Her husband and little daughter are dead.

I hated watching this but I couldn't stop watching at the same time. The judge let the three gang members/murderers go.

When Riley North realized that the men who gunned her family down would now walk free It ignited something deep inside of her. She wanted justice.

For the next five years, Riley went off the grid. In those years she trained in everything from Martial arts to cage fighting and learned how to use many different assault weapons.

The story went on to show how Riley used violence to get the justice she so wanted. I don't agree with violence but I found myself cheering for her from the comfort of my bed.

This brings me to why I'm sure I had the dreams/nightmares that I had. Just the day before this I had started to read through all of my journals. I was quickly reminded of all the injustice that we and other families have had to and continue to deal with.

I even had an entry in one of my journals about how a few of my friends had met with a couple of cops to talk about the murder of Matt. Two of the officers proceeded to tell them that they still believed that Matt was affiliated with gang members (as he sat on the city council). Really? Are you kidding me? That just pissed me off all over again!

I also came across an entry where Matt's murderer had printed up all my facebook posts while he was in county jail. I was livid that he was allowed to do that! The more I read the angrier I became.

 It was clear to me, ONCE AGAIN, that victims and the victims family have no rights. The rights are reserved for the perpetrators!

The years of court hearings and Matt's killer having the "right" to file motions for new trials, change in venue, requesting another attorney (on several occasions), representing himself, and so on. This went on for years.

I was always told, that if we didn't give him those rights he could come back and appeal. What are you saying? He still came back time and time again even after being denied. How many appeals does a murderer get? My son is dead! We didn't get to appeal anything. We just had to keep showing up to court, looking at this killer, and wondering how is any of this reasonable and acceptable. What about our boy, Matthew?

The story of Riley North, was just that, a story, making a good movie. The story of Matthew Garcia is our life. What happened to him, even while sitting on the city council, and then ten months later, being shot in the back of the head on Labor Day is a real life story of justice gone wrong.

Over these last ten plus years I have been in training too. I have been learning to master forgiveness and empathy. I've been training in research for victims. I've become somewhat of an expert in tenacity and perseverance. I've learned to use my voice to help those who can longer speak. My passion is to help others maneuver through the madness of not only having to deal with the murder of our children but the unrelenting madness of our system.

 Reminding myself on a daily basis that even though I don't physically see justice happening and that justice will be even harder to see with the new law SB 1437 I have to keep the faith that one day justice will be served.