Today is a new day. I "get" to wake up and choose my attitude. I'm genuinely grateful for each and every opportunity that I am given to do this. The fact of the matter is, I can choose to shift my attitude at any moment. How amazing is that?
I read our meditation this morning which talks about how our experiences shape us into the people we are today. As I was reading this, I began to reminisce about my own life experiences.
The personal experiences when I was young helped develop me into a person who lived in fear most of the time although I tried to mask that fear by using mind and mood altering substances, which would eventually fail me.
When I finally surrendered in 1990, those same experiences that once haunted me were now giving me the courage and strength I needed to change my life for the better.
I had no idea what the future held for me, but I was sure that with God and my new found friends, I was now on the road to recovery.
Living life on life's terms has not been easy. In 1999 when my cousin Kathy was murdered I thought to myself, "God, where are you? How could you allow this to happen to Kathy?" God, never verbally answered. Instead, HE placed me on an incredible path to healing.
It took me a long while to stop being full of anger. We had many court dates that we were not made aware of. The nightmare of Kathy's murder and her murderer not being held responsible was dragged out for eight long years in our justice system. This did not help my thoughts of injustice and anger.
My beautiful friends hung in there with me. Helping me, praying for me, guiding me to healing. We started working on forgiveness. I say, "Working on" because it is a practice for me every day. I don't just "HAVE FORGIVENESS,” and then I'm done. NO, I have had to work on it, Practice it, Live it, every day.
In January of 2007, Kathy's murderer was finally sentenced to 15 years to life. There would be no hurrahs. Kathy's dad, Uncle Red had since passed away from cancer. Her mom, my beloved Aunt Judi, was sick as well.
The positive that did come from it was the fact that "I" for a while now, was practicing forgiveness on a daily basis. I felt better. I was less angry at the time Kathy's killer was sentenced.
I now understood the meaning of "the end results" of drug/alcohol addiction; Jails, institutions, and death. Kathy was dead, and her killer was going to prison for a long, long time. There would be NO winners here!
A year later I received the phone call that would bring me to my knees and shatter my world forever. My only son, Matthew had been shot in the head, and he would not recover.
The one thing that I will never forget from that night at John Muir hospital was me saying out loud "oh my God, this is why we have been working on and practicing forgiveness!' For just that one profound moment, it was crystal clear.
I didn't stay in that moment of clarity for long. I continue to go through all the stages of grief, shock, and horror still today. The guilt of how I wasn't able to really "be there" for our daughter's as they struggled with the devastation of losing their only big brother to murder.
Thanksgiving is next week. The holidays bring with them, emptiness as we celebrate and Matt isn't here celebrating with us. I will forever miss my boy. I'm thankful that I can also feel excitement and hope for what is yet to come.
Our eldest daughter and her husband will have their first child next month. My heart is full of love for this little baby boy whom I feel that I already know and love. I'm grateful for an open heart.
I'm thankful for giving myself permission to "FEEL" everything! I can be sad and happy at the same time. I can be confused and clear at the same time. I can love fully. The experiences of my life have shaped me into who I am today.
Thank you, God, for giving me the eyes to see, the ears to hear, and the words to speak. Thank you, for clearing my mind and healing my heart. Thank you for continuing to guide my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. Amen
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