Life

“The darker the night, the brighter the stars, 
The deeper the grief, the closer is God!” 
~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I resonate the most with this quote. I have cried out to God on many occasions in my lifetime. Many times when I was young, struggling to get out of harmful situations. The numerous times I wanted to stop putting poison in my body but couldn't. I knew God was there. I just thought that I had done so many terrible things that He really didn't want anything to do with me.

All that changed on April 6th, 1990. At twenty-three years old I had come to the end of my rope, and I knew it. There would be no turning back. My mind was confused, and my body was dying. I weighed less than one hundred pounds. I was incapable of taking care of myself let alone the two beautiful babies that God entrusted me with.

I felt darkness and despair consuming me as I walked through the cemetery with my two little children. I had no more manipulation left in me to use. I could no longer blame my life situation on anyone else. It was crystal clear that I WAS MY PROBLEM! My innocent babies were suffering because of ME!

The one thing that I knew for sure was that I desperately wanted a better life for my children. I knew that I wasn't able to give them that with the lifestyle that I was living. I had to do better and be better.

I had a moment of clarity as that small still voice inside myself whispered that its time to get MY SHIT TOGETHER! I had a profound and deep knowing that THIS WAS MY LAST CHANCE! It was ME who was going to have to change EVERYTHING.

I'm so very grateful for the women in my life who helped to pick me up and show me the way. I was blessed with a fantastic mentor and beautiful friend, Laura. She has contributed hugely to guide me physically, mentally and spiritually for over 27 years. She has walked every step of this recovery life with me.

Laura took me under her wing like a mama bird caring for her hurt baby bird. I didn't even know how much I needed that. She reminded me that I had been harmed and what I needed was love. She would love me until I could learn to love myself.

She helped me understand the importance of reaching out to ask and receive the services that were available to a single mother; parenting classes, therapy for myself and my babies to break the cycles that I had become accustomed to.

Laura was there when I married the love of my life, Raymond. She was in the delivery room with Raymond when our little bundle of joy, TeaRae came into this world. Laura was there in intensive care at John Muir when my son, Matthew was shot. She was there as we buried him and has been by my side always.

Life is so short and I never fully realized it. I get it so profoundly now! I want to breathe in every second of life today. I thank God for never leaving me even when I let go. Thank you for blessing me with incredible people all along this journey. I look forward to remaining open to receive even more blessings with each new day.

God, clear my mind and heal my heart. Give me the eyes to see, the ears to hear, and the words to speak. Guide my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. Amen