I just finished watching the movie, Rabbit Hole. It was about a couple who lost their 4 year old son. His name was Danny. He was chasing after his dog and ran into the street in front of his house.
A teen aged boy was driving down that street at exactly the same time that Danny was about to run in front of his car. The teen aged young man, named Jason, swerved to miss the dog and ended up hitting and killing little Danny. The story begins 8 months after Danny’s death.
I related to the story in regard to Danny’s mom trying to keep busy. She would do whatever she could to not think. She looked for any kind of distractions to stay out of her head and her heart.
I too look for ways to distract myself. I get angry when I start to sense the self-pity moving over me like a dark cloud. I can’t get away from it no matter what I do. So, I try and sit with it for as long as I can. Feel it, breathe it in and then I try to blow it all out. It never works!
It’s like a dance that I perform every day. Some days I dance all day and into my dreams. Other days it’s a short dance. But, there is always a dance. I don’t want to dance.
In the movie the distraught mother didn’t want to go to the support group anymore. She thought they talked too much about God. I understand that too. Not that we talk about God at my group. But, because some people want to talk to me about God’s plan. Often times, I just repeat what they say instead of saying “Fuck you”.
These are my friends, people whom I love and whom truly love me. They honestly want to support me. I don’t want to hurt them with my words. I can be really good at using my words to hurt others. I also don't want them to stop talking to me, afraid that they may say the "wrong" thing.
I believe this is the reason I started writing. I want to write about what is really going on without hurting anyone. It feels safe here. I can choose who gets to read about my thoughts, my feelings and my dance. This is the one thing that belongs to me. No one can shoot my words in the head and kill them. I can protect my words here.