Tuesday, December 20, 2016

An irreconcilable bond

My husband Raymond and I returned home from Soledad State Prison where we met with Gene Combs. Gene is one of the people who participated in Matt's murder. The meeting was extremely emotional. Hearing about the day and night of September 1, 2008, from one of the accused was heart-wrenching. At times the facilitator would have to remind us to breathe.

Gene Combs shared with us the details of what lead up to that horrific and life changing night. I was filled with mixed emotions. In my head, I wanted to hate this man for what he had placed in motion. If only he would have gone to the water park to celebrate his youngest son's birthday, as he had planned to do, instead of trying to get drugs, all of our lives would look very different today.

Just as much as I want to hate him I am keenly aware of the disease of addiction. The lives that are shattered every second of each and every day. The disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. Gene needed to get his drugs.

The drugs never came that 1st day of September. What did come was a sequence of events that altered the lives of so many FOREVER! There are no words to fix this. No amount of sorrow or regret will ever bring Matt back to us. All that we have is this moment right here and now.

My dilemma is the constant battle within my head and heart between good & evil. This is the only way I can describe the dialog that runs over and over inside my mind. My head pounds with rage and anger while my heart is breaking with compassion and empathy for a man who perpetuated Matt's murder.

There is no reconciling what has happened. The hearts that have been shattered by loss and grief cannot be put back together with mere words. Matt's murder and the loss of our beloved son, brother, grandson, family member, and friend will never make any sense.

There were no new revelations of what took place that horrific September night. There was not and I'm sure, there never will be "closure".

 I'm grateful that I was given this opportunity to look Gene Combs in his eyes. I'm grateful that he wanted to have this meeting as well. We are bonded in a very sad and tragic way. We both have life sentences!

We all prayed together. We asked Gene Combs to continue doing the work on himself that he has been doing these past few years. We asked that he be a living example to others in his prison community of the life changing and devastating effects that drugs cause. Share with others that every decision we make has a consequence.

I am still processing everything that took place at our meeting. I will continue to move forward and pray for God to clear my mind and heal my heart.

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