Thanksgiving 2016

As I lay here in bed reminiscing about past Thanksgiving holidays my mind is so tired. I'm  not wanting to get ready for my work day. But, I must. I try to shut down the memories of our family all together laughing and sometimes arguing over the silliest of things. I can't stop feeling emotional as I am reminded of several of my friends who will endure their first holiday without their loved ones.

There is no easy way through the grief. Even after 8 years without Matt here, my heart aches like it is the first day without him. Everything I do and all of the memories that are stored in my mind are shattered by heartbreak the more that I reminisce. I have to learn how to allow the thoughts, memories, and feelings to come and move through me. Unfortunately, I have not been able to even come close to mastering this. Will I ever? Probably not! I have several friends whom have been without their children for 20+ years and their pain and heartache remain the same today.

I am truly blessed to have our amazing daughters. We are grateful for all of our wonderful family and friends. I don't want to get so lost in my own grief that I can't recognize the incredible blessings that I have right here and now. This is my constant dilemma. There is a shattered place in my heart that will never mend. I can still find joy and happiness in my life today. Although, there will always be a surging pain, a wound that is so deep it is inexplicable. I'm a totally different person today than I was before September 1, 2008. What does that even mean for me today? I'm not sure?

I will continue to move forward as I have thus far. I will find joy, peace, forgiveness, and love every where that I can. I will continue to be there for my daughters when they need me. I want to support them as they maneuver through their own grief and pain. We are on a journey of our hearts that we never expected nor ever wanted to be on.

God, please

guide us to where you would have us go. Help us to help others by being a support to the worst anguish imaginable. Thank you for filling us with Hope and Love in the midst of tragedy and devastating sadness. Amen.