Sept 1st 2016 marks the 8 year anniversary of the last time that I saw my son, Matthew alive.
Most mornings when I wake up, I wonder and then hope with every part of my being, that IT was ALL a horrible nightmare. But very quickly, I am snapped back to reality. This not a nightmare! Matthew is dead. He was murdered.
Soon after Matt's death, I threw myself into anything and everything. Distraction and denial had become my constant companions. I tell myself often, "Teresa, just don't think too much". Once I start thinking about what Matt might be doing if he were still here, is when all Hell breaks loose. Accepting the unacceptable is a challenge that I would not wish on anyone.
I don't write about my thoughts and feelings for sympathy. I'm not a victim. My son Matthew was a victim. We are left here to deal with the devastating aftermath of the act of violence that killed him.
I know that our friends and family love and support us. I am grateful and humbled by the incredible love we receive on a daily basis. I write and share about this journey of grief for myself and for anyone else who may need to know that others are having similar thoughts and feelings.
I'm not sure if the deep despair and anger which lurks inside of me, will ever go away? It has lessened for periods of time, over the years, but then emerges again with a vengeance. These are the days that I choose to stay in my bed.
Every year, since September 1st 2008, I take this day off from work. I very recently started a new postilion at Kaiser. This is my second week. I was hesitant to share with my new manager that I needed to take today off. I didn't want to share with him why I need this day. I tried to tell myself that I can do it. It's just another day. WRONG! It's not just another day. If it were, just another day, I would have no problem. These are the mind trips that I deal with.
Today, I will go to my appointment. Afterward, my daughters and I will hang out together. Maybe get pedicures? Maybe go to the cemetery to place new flowers at Matt's spot. I don't know for sure? I do know that I am so grateful to be able to spend this day with my girls.
We all go through terrible life situations and devastating times. To give ourselves and each other permission to walk through whatever it is, is the only way through it. Will the anger, devastation, and denial ever fully leave? Will I ever get to a place where I can accept the unacceptable? I don't know the answer to these questions. Only God knows.
So for now, until whenever, I will write and share my thoughts and feelings. Whatever it takes to sort through the madness and sadness inside my heart and mind. That is what I will continue to do.
God, please guide my thoughts, feelings and perceptions. Fill me with your love and forgiveness. Guide me to where YOU would have me go. Clear my mind and Heal my Heart. Amen