Getting it out of ME!

It has been a long while since my last post. At times, I feel like I should keep some of my thoughts and feelings to myself. Maybe my thoughts and feelings are not appropriate to "put out here". This morning I decided that I must write.

On July 14, 2016, my only son, Matthew would have turned 30 years old. It's hard to even imagine that, I have a 30 year old child. Well, the fact is that I don't. Matt was murdered just 50 days after his 22nd birthday.
I can't help myself from wondering and thinking about what Matt would be doing if he were still here? Would he be married, have children?  Would he be serving at another level in politics?

 These thoughts and flashes of what COULD HAVE BEEN, haunt my mind and crush my heart. At times, the pain is so great I feel like I can't breathe. It feels like shards of metal are piercing my heart. I have to tell myself to "pull it together"! I'm so tired of doing this!

 I DON'T understand ANY of THIS, nor do I expect or even ASK for anyone else to. I just need to get it out of ME.

Recently, the so called "intended target" in my sons murder, sent me a Facebook message. He was asking me to answer him as to WHY he has been being treated like the criminal and murderer of Matt? Why the driver of the getaway car was allowed to walk away without any consequences for her actions? He wants me to answer WHY he has been "left to Perish in Fairfield" and the getaway driver was given a free pass? I have never responded to his questions of me, partly because, I think it's ludicrous for him to even come at ME like this. Also, he was dealing Drugs and took off with someone's money.  Another reason I have not responded is because, I DON'T KNOW why she was not charged with ANY crime? It's all so horrifying, bizarre and makes NO SENSE to me.

After reading his crazy FB questions for me to answer. I soon received a message from one of the other men involved in my sons murder.  Gene Combs, who is serving 15 years to life for his role in the murder of Matt. Gene Combs wants to meet with our family.

Gene Combs brokered the gun and he gave the "intended target" $50 to get him some drugs. The FACEBOOK questioning "intended target" whom I get to see often, because he is FREE (not in jail), took off with the $50 and never returned. Gene Combs and Henry Don Williams (shooter) were driven back to the "intended targets house" by the shooters 9 month pregnant girlfriend (driver of getaway car).
 Matt just happened to be pulling up to a girls home who lived a couple doors down from the "intended targets mom's home." Shot's were fired in Matt's direction and he was hit in the back of his head.
Now, the shooter, has filed another appeal, this time in the supreme court.  The "intended target" wants me to answer HIS questions.  The shooters pregnant girlfriend (getaway driver is living her life with HER SON in another state), and the other responsible party doing 15 to life wants to talk with us. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO PULL MYSELF TOGETHER?

 Well, I'll tell you....

Everyday I ask God to guide me, to clear my mind and heal my heart. I have learned how to function in this world by going to work, having meaningful relationships, making jokes, showing up even when I don't want to. I also try and ask for help and rest my body, mind and spirit whenever I need to.

I am still so very angry and it comes out in areas of my life where it is inappropriate. I can't think about things for too long or I fall apart. I have to pretend, most of the time, that EVERYTHING is OK.

I HATE, HATE, HATE, the fact that these people not only took our Matt but they have destroyed so much of who we were as people. I refuse to allow them to take anymore from me. Although, I wonder what does that really mean?

Our lives are going on and beautiful things are happening. There will always be the emptiness that we all feel moment by moment. The painful agonizing ache which constantly lurks in the background.

Today,  I will rest. I will remember that I forgave the "intended target" (for myself) 2 years ago. Forgiveness does't mean we will talk,or that I will answer YOUR questions. We will not be Friends. Forgiveness means I will continue to practice letting go of the anger and hate that I have towards you, because it only harms me. Forgiveness is God's gift and my gift to myself.

My daughters and I will go to visit Gene Combs in prison. We do want to ask him questions. We will also continue to follow the appeals of Matt's killer. We are always reminded that September is the month that Matt was violently taken from us and so many others.
 It's also the month that the shooters girlfriend (getaway driver) gave birth to their son. I will always wonder WHY she was not charged with ANY crime?

The saying that always rings in mind when I think about the anger and hurt that I feel, is this:
"There but for the grace of God, go I."  Did I ever kill anyone? No!  Could I have? Maybe? Have I felt like I wanted to? YES, every time I sat in that courtroom! The only difference is...I didn't follow through. I thought about the consequences that my actions would have on others. So, am I the better person? These are questions for God to answer. 

I feel like I Got it out of me for now! I feel a bit better. I will get out of bed now and begin my day. I'm truly grateful for all of the love and support from our family and friends. We are blessed.
Thank you,
Teresa