What is "justice" supposed to look like?

 It's me again. As my facebook memories popped up on my feed, I can't help but scoff at a particular memory that happened on this day in 2014. I had posted a picture of the very first restitution check I received from Matt's murderer. Matthew was murdered in 2008. There is NOT ANY monetary (RESTITUTION) ANYTHING, that could or would, EVER bring a sense of "JUSTICE" to a family who's loved one has been murdered.

But, here we are! The restitution checks ranging in amounts of $32-$50 show up randomly. Sometimes, a year or more will pass without anything and at other times two checks will be mailed within a year period. 

Each time, I would open one of these checks, I literally felt the acid in my stomach start to make its way up to my throat. I know that I don't have to open them. I don't even have to accept them, but still, Its like I can't help myself at the same time.  I want to see what amount of work Matt's killer did or didn't do. I will know by the total of the check. Its kind of crazy, I know, but my child is dead, it's all I have. SO.... Crazy it is!

After a while of feeling the disgust these checks brought me, I made the decision to use these monies to help with The Matt Garcia Foundation in whatever small ways it can. Using the money to do good has helped me, somewhat. 

All of this, is MY experience. This is what is happening in mine and my family's world! I don't ever want my own experiences to be perceived as worse than, nor more important than, anyone else's. Murder is HORRIFIC! The devastating ripple effects of murder never ends. Loss is hard... for EVERYONE! 

I know that there are millions of victims' families who receive NOTHING. Many murdered victims families still are left with not ever knowing who killed their loved one(s). 

I am only able to move forward in this crazy never ending nightmare because of the amazing love and support from family and friends. I am encouraged to write and talk about the experiences that I and our family has endured, as well as, the many experiences that we have been blessed by.

An added disheartening part of this horrific process, is telling another family member of a murdered victim(s), that there really is "NO JUSTICE". No matter what happens, we are left without our loved one(s) because of violence perpetrated by another with no regard for human life. This is a FACT that can not be disputed!

The consequences for those persons responsible vary GREATLY! Some perpetrators will serve no time at all, some are never apprehended and are free to commit more crimes against humanity, while some others, whom are given lengthy sentences for MURDER or their role in a murder, are often let out early. There are also some who are repeat offenders, and learn how to work the "system" from the inside of an institution. 

Several years ago, Matt's killer claimed that his girlfriend was propositioned for sex, by the jury foreman, in exchange for a Not guilty vote, during his trial for the murder of our Matt. I actually did witness the girlfriend talking with the juror. I immediately told our prosecutor that we wanted that juror removed from the jury. I had been a juror before. All jurors are read the rules, several times, for serving on a jury. Our prosecutor then informed the judge of what had just transpired in the hallway during a recess. 

The juror was summoned into the "closed courtroom" where only the judge, both attorney's, and the juror in question, were allowed. The judge decided that nothing criminal had happened and the juror would stay on as the jury foreman in the murder trial of the monster who took our Matt. Again, my mind was blown away by the judge allowing this juror to stay on the jury and even more-so, as the jury foreman.

 We spent years in and out of court because of what had happened in that Vallejo Courthouse hallway years earlier.  At one point Matt's killer had "decided" that he would represent HIMSELF (by the way, he has done this several times). Matt's murderer was going to be able to question myself and Raymond on the stand! I can't make this stuff up. It really happened and continues to happen more than you know. 

After a year or more, the killer changed his mind and decided to have a public defender appointed to him, once again. All of which causes more delays and postponements. These are all the rights of the ALREADY convicted and sentenced murderer. This was just one of his many ploys throughout these last 14 years. 

After years of the killers ploy to be re-tried due to juror misconduct, failed. We knew we had to do something to help prevent another family from going through this nonsense. 

We talked to whomever would listen and searched to find some solutions by way of policy change within our courthouses. We asked that jurors be separated from the public in the hallways of courthouses during trials. It was so frustrating to know that if  the courts had already had a policy in place, during Matt's killers murder trial, the murderers girlfriend and the juror would NOT have had access to each other in the hallway that day.  This policy would have also saved countless hours and lost wages for our family, the courts, tax-payer money, and heartache. We are AGAIN, not the only family that this has happened to.

We felt as though we had conquered a huge obstacle when the new juror pathway policy was agreed upon. Our so-called victory was short lived.  I felt defeated, once again, being told that MONEY would not allow for changes to be implemented in already existing courthouses. We were assured that this policy change, to separate jurors from the general public in courthouse hallways during recesses, will be implemented when new courthouses are built. I am still holding out hope.

I have learned to shut off my mind, during some of these times; If I didn't, I would go absolutely CRAZY!  If I wrote about ALL of the ploys and schemes, over the last 14 years, brought on by Matt's murderer. the pages would fill a large file cabinet. 

I have several book shelves filled with my own journals. This has been my only way of letting out the injustices that I feel. I write about my thoughts and feelings after every single court hearing. 

 It is my purpose in this life, to not only help myself and other victims' families, but to also bring awareness, to the general public. Incarceration doesn't mean that the convicted murderer is stopped from exercising, "THEIR RIGHTS"! Truthfully though, most people who are NOT living the nightmare, of a murdered loved one, really DON'T want to KNOW. I can't blame them...I wish with all my heart and soul that, WE DIDN'T KNOW what Really can and does Happen to victims' families and loved ones after the verdict of "Guilty" is rendered.

I remember yelling and crying to Valerie Dodini, her son was also murdered. After he was killed she became an attorney to help other victims' family members. She would repeat herself over and over again, telling me and all of us who attended the Homicide Survivors Group, "the only way ANY OF THIS WILL CHANGE is with an amendment to the constitution for Victims' Rights"! 

I would say "but, we have Marcy's Law". I soon learned, that regardless of Marcy's Law, many times I was not notified of court hearings. Marcy's Law, the California Victims' Bill of Rights Act of 2008 was enacted by voters as Proposition 9 through the initiative process in the November 2008 election (2 months after Matt's murder) https://www.cdcr.ca.gov/victim-services/marsys-law/ 

On many occasions over the years, we were NOT notified of a court hearing in which Matt's murderer attended. Not being notified of a hearing, is absolutely a violation of Marcy's Law. I WANTED to attend every court hearing and according to Marcy's Law, I should have been notified of EVERY SINGLE ONE, NO MATTER WHAT!

 There are never ANY consequences for us not being notified under "Marcy's Law". We received a lot of excuses and apologies. You know the ones, "everyone is understaffed".  

I went so far as to offer my own time and energy to call victims' families, to no avail. I wanted to let those families who wanted to know, about any and all upcoming hearings. 

I knew then, that I would have to advocate for myself; checking the solano county court connect website daily, to see if Matt's perpetrators had any upcoming hearings.My talking about the violations of Marcy's Law wasn't going to change what was happening. I was no longer waiting to read in the Daily Republic about a hearing that had already happened and i had missed because my advocate didn't notify me. All because they are understaffed. 

My fingers cant keep up with my thoughts about all the injustices or remembering what we have been through and are still going through just in the justice system alone after Matt's murderer was convicted in 2010 and sentenced to 50 years to life, for 1st degree murder.

His sentence was changed because he was 32 years old when he shot and killed our Matt, which means, he will "AGE OUT" in prison. The "Elderly Parole Program" means that Matt's killer is eligible for parole in September of 2028; That is only 5 years from now! 

My son, Matthew Terrahl Garcia deserves more than what has been given. All Victims' of Crime deserve MORE!

Why am I still trying to make sense out of nonsense?

 It's really not difficult to understand why I feel like I'm losing my grip, at times! I literally can not even grasp how back ass ward MY world looks to me.

Just as I began typing this, someone outside my window started honking their car horn over and over again. I can't stop myself from laughing out loud. I wonder sometimes if I am in a never ending episode of the twilight zone. Do other people feel this same way? Or, am I simply the crazy lady who keeps trying to make sense out of nonsense?

Anyway, here I am, AGAIN, in this lonely place, where I can't do anything, except, write about it! This is the place I come to when I have run out of options. When I have called and left messages and I have sent all the emails to the people whom I think can or who I thought are suppose to help us sort through this madness. More times than not, the answers to my many questions, leave me feeling even more defeated. 

So, once again, I tell myself, Ok girl, you have got to get this out of your head, lets write! In the next instance, just the thought of writing sends me into a frenzy. Its like a tsunami flooding my brain with all the injustices and literal insanity, that we have endured over these last 14 years and 4 months. 

 I'm acutely aware of the fact that we are not unique. We are one family dealing with these issues. There are MILLIONS of families everywhere living this never ending nightmare, as well. 

This place that I come to, when I have done all that I can do, is very familiar. I've been here so many times since Matt was murdered. It's dark and lonely. I know that it's not good for me to be in this place for long. I have to snap the proverbial rubber band around my wrist several times to remind myself to GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

After, the"rubber band" has been snapped, I move to the place where I "act" like everything is fine. If I don't try and fake it until I make it... UMMM NOPE, I don't EVER want to go back there! 

The old saying that has been drilled in to me my entire life, You know the one, ...."LIFE AIN'T FAIR" is the biggest UNDER STATEMENT, EVER!!! I keep wanting someone, somewhere, to say to me, "Don't worry honey, we are going to make it fair, Right NOW"! Why I do that to myself, I do not know?

Even so, I know that I will not give up. I will continue to try and make enough noise that SOMEONE will hear and take notice. I will try and remember that Matt wants me to be happy and have joy however and whenever. I will continue to write the letters and express my deep disappointment, as well as, my disgust with how victims and their families have fewer rights than those who murder our loved ones. 

I am truly grateful for all the love from my family and friends as well as the support that I have in my life. Thank you ALL

Will the Good Outweigh the Ugly?

 It is difficult to believe that it is already Friday, AGAIN! The minutes, days, weeks, and months are moving past so quickly. I feel like I can't keep up! 

 The last month or so I have been trying to give myself a lot of love. Several of my beautiful friends and family are suffering in one way or another. I try to not take on their pain, but, I have found THAT to be a  difficult task.  

My heart aches for them, as well as, the parents and loved ones of the 19 murdered children and their two teachers on May 24th 2022. I haven't been able to focus on much of anything since. The anxiety I feel has been running the show of my life for a while now. 

I have forced myself to show up for events, meetings, of and work. Most of the time I feel better once I get there. Although, there have been a couple of events that I attended where I left feeling even MORE trauma and anxiety. It has felt like the entire world is spinning out of control.  

Since Matt's murder I have put so much of my focus and energy into seeing the good instead of the ugly. I have been devastated over and over again by the heinousness and evil all around. I have also been able to find gratitude in SOMETHING, in the midst of it all. Although, these last couple of months or so, I have found that my gratitude is dwindling. 

 I believe it has to do with the fact that the people whom I have historically went to for support are also feeling this doom. I find this terrifying. 

I was informed late last night that Matt's murderer has a son who is a Jr. That son, wrote a book about his dad and the murder of Matt. OMG! REALLY? Can my mind be blown anymore? 

 I am continuing to practice SELF-CARE whatever THAT means? To some people my self-care appears SELFISH. I can't be swayed by that....but, I AM!  

Today, is a new day and I will TRY AGAIN to care for myself and MY NEEDS. To be honest, I'm not sure what my needs are? I do know that I want a clear mind and a healed heart. I think, I will focus on saying that as my mantra today. In my heart of hearts I do believe that the good does outweigh the ugly. I'm simply having a hard time seeing THAT right now. I won't give up looking for the Good! 

God, clear my mind and heal my heart. Guide my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. Give me the eyes to see, the ears to hear, and the words to speak. And so it is.

The Circle

"The Circle”        

Thirteen of us, mostly strangers, sat in chairs which were positioned to form a circle. This circle consisted of two women facilitators, two women victims of crime, and nine men serving life sentences. The circle was assembled on the stage of a protestant church on the grounds of a notorious United States penitentiary.

The circle of people are from different cultures, races, and religions. During our circle time, one of the men had to leave for prayer. It is Ramadan in the Muslim faith. He returned to the circle when he finished praying

The facilitator began our circle time with a grounding exercise. As we sat in our chairs, we closed our eyes and placed both feet firmly on the floor. We took deep, healing breaths and as we slowly exhaled we visualized releasing the tension that our bodies held. It was a perfect way to begin this intense dialogue.

One by one, we stated our name, and, if in prison, how long they have been there, and finally, with one word, what our intention was for this dialogue. My intention was, is, and will remain, "HOPEFUL".

The beautiful woman to my right started first. shared with us the violence that had been perpetrated upon her. She endured three home invasion robberies, and her dear friend was murdered. She also talked about being an Iraqi woman. The violence gripping her motherland is devastating. She shared how she lives, day by day, with the shadow that is placed over her here in America, just because she is an Iraqi woman.

One man in particular related to this woman’s experience. His homeland is Vietnam. His family was persecuted, so he fled to America. Today, he is doing a life sentence for his own crimes against humanity.

It was now my turn to tell the horrific details of what took place on the night of September 1, 2008. It was my turn to share with these men just how difficult our lives have been since our Matt was murdered. I passed around the pamphlet from our foundation which features Matt’s beautiful face on the front. The Matt Garcia Foundation was started soon after Matt’s murder.

I was having a hard time getting all of the words out. My emotions and deep grief were taking over my mind. I struggled to pull myself together enough to share with them that Matt was not from an affluent family. He was not a straight A student. He was a regular kid who had a huge heart for people, especially people who needed a little extra help. This is what made Matt unique. He wanted to help make a difference in our community. He wanted kids to have places to go and things to do that would help them stay off the streets.

 I shared about how Matt was very familiar with life choices. His own biological father was in and out of jail and prison. Matt and his little sister had been to prison several times with their grandma, to visit their dad. I had even taken them to this particular prison, to visit their uncle who was doing time.

The men were very kind and compassionate following my share about my boy and the devastation his death has brought upon our family and loved ones. In reality, many people in our community have been affected, in one way or another, by the unfathomable violence perpetrated against Matt.  

The man to my left was next to share with us his experience with life and what had led him to where he is right now. Mike is a middle-aged African-American man with piercing blue eyes. I was struck by his surprisingly serene demeanor. He was in a gang as a young man. He killed a rival gang member and was caught. The rival gang was unable to get to him, because he was in jail awaiting trial. They decided to retaliate by murdering Mike’s mother and brother. 

My heart dropped and my eyes filled with tears as Mike spoke, and I wondered to myself, "How does one ever reconcile the gravity of these horrific events?"  Mike took responsibility for his family members’ murders. The decisions he had made in his life up to that moment rendered him responsible for the tragic and senseless deaths of his own mother and brother. 

Bryan spoke next. He has served thirteen years of his life sentence for murder. Bryan is a young Asian man in his early 30's. He had cried when I shared my story about Matt. Our eyes locked as he began to weep again. Bryan shared about his realization of what he has done to his victim, as well as his victim’s mother, family and loved ones. 

Bryan and several of his friends decided to basically beat up the ex-boyfriend of a girl whom Bryan had feelings for. The girl had told Bryan that her ex-boyfriend had done and said some mean things to her. From there, they hatched a plan to have the ex-boyfriend meet her at a park that night. When the ex-boyfriend pulled up and got out of his car, the other guys (who had been hiding) came out and began to beat him up. At this point, one of the gang of guys pulled out a gun and shot the ex-boyfriend. He died.

Bryan has had a lot of time to think about his crime. He told us that he realized at the time of his crime that he cared more about what the girl thought of him than of what he thought of himself. He realized that he was jealous of her ex-boyfriend. He hated the fact that the girl had chosen the other guy (the now dead ex-boyfriend) over him. Bryan now has a lifetime behind bars.

Jacob was up next. He is a young African-American Muslim man, probably around the same age as Bryan (very early 30’s). He also has served thirteen years of his life sentence for murder. Jacob shared the details of his crime. He had gone to a friend’s apartment. His friend was a young woman with a young child. Jacob had already been involved in a life of crime and violence, so when his friend suggested that they rob a guy she knew who had money, Jacob agreed. 

The young woman called the man over to her apartment. Once he arrived, Jacob came out from behind the door and hit the man in the head with a bat, knocking him out. Jacob and the woman then proceeded to tie the man up with telephone cords. They went through all of his pockets and stole his money and car keys. Jacob went outside to find the man’s car and ransacked it, taking anything of value. He then backed the man’s vehicle up to the apartment door, carried the unconscious man and placed him in the backseat of his own vehicle. Jacob buckled the young woman’s child into the front passenger seat of the car. The woman sat in the back with the unconscious man. As Jacob started to drive, the man came to and began to desperately struggle to escape from the phone cords. The young woman fought him while yelling at him to stop. Jacob pulled over and helped subdue the man while the young woman pulled on a cord she had placed around his neck. She pulled harder and harder until the man finally stopped breathing. Once they knew he was dead Jacob found a secluded area where no one would see them dump the man’s body out of his own vehicle, as if he were a pile of trash.

The disregard for human life was astounding and horrifying. I could feel my body tensing more and more as I listened to this real-life account, which sounded more like a nightmare or a horror movie. My heart felt as though it had a cord around it which was being pulled tighter. 

Jacob went on to tell how he and that young woman were convicted and given life sentences for murdering that innocent man. He talked about the lifelong pain and suffering he has caused the man’s family and loved ones. 

He also shared, with deep regret, how that little boy would live his life being raised by family members and the system. The boy’s father was nowhere to be found and his mother will be in prison for life. Jacob understands that he alone is responsible for the ripple effect of negative life consequences he has caused that little boy who is now a teenager. Will this young boy choose the same path of violence that has been shown to him? 

Jacob also talked about his nephew whose own father is serving many years in prison. He is being raised without a positive male role model in his life, much like Jacob. Will his nephew turn to gangs to feel acceptance, just as he did? Jacob now mentors him in collect phone calls and shares with him that he can break the cycle of violence and incarceration. He has choices because he is free to make positive life decisions as opposed to the negative ones that many of his family members have made.

Listening to these men and their horrific real-life stories made my mind and body shudder. At the same time, I could also feel and hear their deep regret for all of the harm they have caused so many, FOREVER. The fact that these men were sharing with anyone (especially victims of crime), the atrocities they had perpetrated, moved me in a way I am unable to articulate at this time (and maybe never). The experience of sitting in the circle and being vulnerable was life changing for me.

Each of the men in the circle expressed their respect and admiration for the men who shared their stories of crime and violence. They admired their courage to really look at themselves and become willing to change their thinking and actions. This was also very moving to witness.

Lastly, I want to share about Dan. He is a huge Caucasian man; his appearance is intimidating. Dan is serving a twenty-five to life sentence with five consecutive life sentences. Needless to say, Dan will never get out of prison. 

Dan shared with us his life of crime. When he was just eleven years old, he attempted to kill his stepfather as he slept on the couch. His stepfather did not die from his wound, and he was able to chase Dan and drag him back to the house where he beat him until he was nearly dead.  

Dan shared that his stepfather was a sadist who tortured Dan and his siblings for years. Child Protective Services had come out to check on the kids often. Dan said they would have the children pull up their shirts to check for bruising and open the refrigerator to make sure there was food. They never removed the children from the stepfather and Dan’s young mother. She had Dan when she was fifteen years old. She married his stepfather when she was twenty. 

Following the attempted murder of his step-father, Dan was sent to live with his young aunt. He thought he was in paradise in his aunt’s one-bedroom apartment living with five other people. He told us that by the time he was twelve years old, he was a full-blown drug addict. Robbing places to feed his addiction was a normal life for Dan. 

Dan’s aunt and her family had grown fearful of Dan and his violent behavior. At fifteen years of age, Dan’s mom paid for his first apartment where he would live on his own.

Dan would be in and out of jail over the next several years. In his 20’s, he and a couple of his friends went to another friend's home to visit and apologize to them for missing their friend's son’s birthday party the weekend before. 

The party had been quite an event. They had secured permits that allowed Dan’s friend to block off the cul-de-sac where they lived, and to bring in jump houses and a food truck. 

His friend had invited all the neighbors to join. One of the neighbors, a middle aged man, was not happy about the party and did not attend. In fact, he actually called the police several times regarding the noise. Dan’s friend shared this with Dan and the other two friends. Dan decided that this neighbor needed to pay for his actions. 

Dan and his friends went to the man’s house, tied him up , ransacked his home and loaded up their vehicle with the man’s belongings. Dan noticed a steel walk-in safe and demanded that the man open it. The man tried to stall, saying he couldn’t remember the combination because it had been years since he opened it. Dan proceeded to cut off the man’s fingers with pruning shears, one finger at a time, until after the third finger, the man finally opened the safe. It was filled with firearms. 

Dan and his friends took them all. They left the man in his home, tied up and bleeding. They sold most of the firearms they had stolen. Eventually, the man was able to identify Dan and his friends and they were arrested but not before they committed more acts of violence against innocent people. 

They made reservations to board a bus chartered to go to a casino. Dan and his co-defendants knew that it cost more to use the ATM at the casino. Dan and his co-defendants knew that most of the people traveling on the bus to the casino, carried their cash on them. They boarded the bus and went directly to the back. They waited until the bus was at a location that was the furthest away in each direction from rest stops and gas stations. The area was mostly desert for miles. 

That is when Dan got up and moved to the front of the bus. He pulled out his revolver and put it to the driver's head, ordering the driver to pull over. He let the busload of people know that they were being robbed and that if any of them tried anything, he would begin with killing the driver and move through the bus killing everyone. 

Dan’s friends began tying people up and taking their purses and wallets. They had a getaway driver and car pull up to take Dan and his friends away, but not before telling the bus driver to wait fifteen minutes before he drove away. He said he would be watching and if the driver left before fifteen minutes he would be sure to kill him. The driver obeyed. 

I couldn’t even begin to imagine how terrified the bus driver and the others on the bus must have felt. I was surprised that Dan didn’t kill anyone that day. I was equally shocked that he allowed the man, (his friend’s neighbor) to live. 

Dan and his co-defendants will never live outside of prison walls. They will never again be allowed to torment innocent people. For this fact, I am grateful, but I wanted to know what made it so easy for Dan to inflict these horrific acts upon innocent people. 

 Dan didn’t feel that the friend’s neighbor was an innocent man. He decided, in his own tormented mind, that the man had inflicted suffering on his friend and his son during what was supposed to be a joyous birthday celebration. It is only now that Dan is able to realize the heinousness of what he and his co-defendants did to that man. He told us that during the trial, the man cried and talked about how he doesn’t know how he will ever be able to sleep again. 

At that time, Dan was unable to even comprehend neither what the man was saying nor the extreme violation that the man felt.  Dan said to himself, “You put a gun under your pillow and you go to sleep; what’s the big fucking deal? Get over it.”  

Dan has been in this victim offender dialogue group for two and a half years; only recently has he begun to feel remorse. I cried when he shared about his childhood. He said he felt embarrassed that I cried and that he didn’t feel that he deserved my empathy.

Actually, most of the men there said that they didn’t believe they deserved us even being there, talking and sharing with them.

 For me, hearing them say this was heartbreaking. I can’t explain the compassion I have in my heart for these men. Knowing that each of them perpetrated horrible crimes and unspeakable violence on fellow human beings should be enough for me to write them off forever, but I can’t! 

I can’t stop thinking about how I see each of them now...these men whose hearts have been broken opened. Seeing their anguish and feeling the shame pouring out of each of them, made me feel HOPEFUL that humanity is still alive, HOPEFUL that our society isn’t just SHIT. 

Neither they nor I can change what has already happened. The only thing we are able to change is ourselves and how we live now. We each only have this moment. We have to live with the consequences of the decisions we make in our lives. Some of the consequences will be a lifelong sentence in a prison cell. Some may receive a second chance to live a different life and to make better decisions than the previous ones made. Some will die and never have the opportunity to live differently. 

The only thing I know for sure is that I will forever be changed for the better, by the experiences of THE CIRCLE.  

Do I want to be Right or Do I want to be Happy?

 I woke up in pain at 4:30 this morning. I have been dealing with this arm thing, the doctor named, "frozen shoulder". Apparently, it's fairly common in older women who have had a previous injury.  I'm an "OLDER WOMAN"?!!! WTF? Anyway, I get shooting pains down the entire length of my arm starting at my left shoulder blade and traveling downward to my hand. Fun Times!!!! The good news is, the doctor said it can heal. The bad news is, it can take up to 2 years! I typed all of this, just to say why I got up at 4:30AM.

I guess, now, I can write about what is "REALLY" going on in my mind?! I have been reading a book called, A Course in Miracles, for many years now. I first picked it up about 30 years ago. My favorite spiritual teacher, Marianne Williamson, would often talk about this book and I actually had some cassette tapes that she had recorded called, the principles of The Course in Miracles, or something like that? 

I couldn't understand any of the writing in this book 30 years ago. So, I put it down. I would pick it back up again every now and then with the same confusing outcome. That is, until about 4 years ago. I started at the beginning of the book, which is very thick, and the paper from the pages reminds me of the paper from the bible. 

I have the combined version of this very unique book, which consists of:

1. Text

2. Workbook for Students

3. Manual for Teachers

I have been actively reading, studying, and practicing, the workings of this book for the last 4 years. I still don't understand a lot of it; but, I do, NOW get some of it. The more I read it the clearer some of the lessons become.

The main principles that I have gathered from A Course in Miracles (ACIM), is Love and Forgiveness. These principles being the exact reasons I have continued to read this book. 

In these last, nearly 13 years, since Matthew was murdered, my mind, body, and spirit, have undergone many changes and challenges. Many times, I have felt like I am literally going insane. I have tried to eat my way through my anger, confusion, pain, and grief.

Although, I am grateful that I haven't made the decision to pick up any mind or mood altering chemicals since 1990. No one would blame me if I did! 

This is where my confusion sets in. I am learning that forgiveness is the answer to ALL OF IT! You know, this "LIFE" that I am living or just surviving some days. I do know that when I truly feel the effects of forgiveness for myself and for others, I Feel GOOD! When I'm in judgement, anger, resentment, and self-pity, I feel AWFUL! This is where I tend to harm myself with lots of bad food, and negative self-talk. I will then outwardly harm others with my rudeness and accusatory tone. It's a SHIT SHOW!

Much is and has been happening in our "world"! It is so easy to get "caught up" in the negative. I see myself and the people that I love, acting in hateful and self defeating ways. Again, who can blame us? This world looks so bleak and hopeless with all the sickness, death, violence, racism, genocide, neglect, homelessness, greed...I can go on, But, We all know! We see it all day everyday.

What if I can turn this around in myself?  How can I stop acting hateful and accusatory? What will it look like if I can wake up with forgiveness for myself and others? What if I ask myself, each time that I WAKE UP, Good morning, Teresa. Today, do you want to be RIGHT or do you want to be HAPPY"? 

I can honestly say that when I do this, I FEEL BETTER! When I do this, I feel hopeful and I have a deep sense of Peace. 

So, why is it, then, that I choose NOT to do this? I'm not sure? My only answer is that, I'm human. My EGO (edging GOD out) is sometimes louder. 

I can say that this book has helped me to look at and to practice love and forgiveness more than I ever have in my life. I can say I don't have the answers to world peace. I only know what works in my life to give me peace. I will focus more on practicing what works for me. If I am more forgiving and loving, maybe, just maybe, it will change the way I SEE this world.

I get what I give

I'm sitting in my backyard listening to the birds chirp and watching the hummingbirds fly back and forth from several hummingbirds feeders that I have spaced around the yard. I also put out some raw peanuts for the squirrels in hopes that they will stop digging in my plants. They have broken several pots and left a mess for us to clean up. 

The air still smells of smoke and there is a haze that will be with us for a while I'm sure. The devastating fires which are still burning in hundreds of counties in California are horrific. We are also expected to have more thunder and lightning tomorrow. Since, the lightning is what sparked these fires in the first place, many of us are on edge. 

As I am typing and looking around at the same time I am filled with gratitude. I have so much to be thankful for. The gratitude comes from a deep knowing and understanding of where I used to be and where I am now; physically, mentally, and spiritually,  I even posted a picture of Matt with a forgiveness quote from Marianne Williamson this morning. I just felt that I needed to remind myself that one of the only reasons that I have so much gratitude is because I have been practicing forgiveness most days over many years now.

We are approaching the 12th anniversary of Matt's murder. Each year I write about where my head is. I think about Matt every day so really the date shouldn't mean anything but it does. I post the same pictures over and over. There will never be new ones. Matthew remains 22 years old forever. I wonder what he would be doing? Would he be married and have kids? Would he still be in politics? How would ours lives be different? These questions will not ever be answered and I know this, but, It doesn't stop me from asking them.

I miss his voice. I miss his laugh. I miss his smart remarks and his tender heart. I miss his obsession with his hair and the gel he used being EVERYWHERE! I miss how he kept his cars so clean on the outside but they were filled with paperwork, clothes, and gel containers on the inside. I miss him with every ounce of my being and always will. 

I've learned so much about myself from my Matt's death. I've learned that I have to keep moving forward and I can't get stuck in the madness of this world. I've learned that it's really none of my business what others think of me. I've learned that I have to also LOVE with every ounce of my being. I've learned to ask questions when I don't understand. I've learned to place myself in others shoes so that I can learn to have empathy; EVEN in the most difficult situations. I thank my boy for leaving me these gifts in his absence. I love you!

The times that we are all living in now seem like a nightmare. I understand feeling as though I'm in a nightmare. I'm grateful again to know this feeling! 

I do my best to have faith that my GOD is ever present. It's easier to believe it when I'm in nature; which today, happens to be my backyard. 

Thank you God, for clearing my mind and healing my heart. Thank you for giving me the eye's to see, the ear's to hear, and the words to speak/write. Thank you for guiding my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. Thank you for filling me with your love, compassion, mercy, and grace. Help me to help others today and always.

Amen

What forgiveness looks like for ME

March 25th we went to court for the last time regarding Gene Combs. We all agreed to a plea deal that would free Gene from prison. In the courtroom on that day, we all had to practice social distancing, due to Covid-19. It was weird and still is as we continue to shelter-in-home during this worldwide pandemic. I was grateful that this would be our final day in court with Gene Combs.

I  read my victim impact statement to Gene and the court, we both sobbed. When I was finished, Gene asked if he could address me? Judge Nelson said, yes.
I felt Gene's remorse as he struggled to get his words out. I have struggled with trying to NOT have empathy and understanding for Gene. It doesn't work that way for me. 

Gene Combs seems different to me. I don't know why? Maybe, it's because he turned himself and the others into police 12 days after Matt was murdered? Maybe, its because he tried to reach out to us after he was sentenced? Maybe, he seems different to me, because I believed him when we met with him in 2016 at Soledad Prison? Maybe, it's because it is what Matt would want me to do? I don't know why? I just know that we will be forever connected because of all of this.

Many of our family and friends have a difficult time comprehending my position. The only explanation that I can offer is that I have the same disease that Gene has. It's called addiction. This does not negate the fact that Matt is dead due to the decisions made by Gene, Henry Don Williams, and others on September 1, 2008. But, hating him is not going to bring Matthew back to us.

Every morning I wake up wondering how Gene Combs has been doing since his release from prison on April 16th 2020. I know, I know, it sounds CRAZY! Why would I even be thinking about him? Is something seriously wrong with me? It's a question that I ask myself. At the same time, I do know why?

God has been working in Gene's life too. God, doesn't stop loving us even if we make horrible, life altering, devastating decisions. This can actually be a time of great healing. I know this to be true because I have experienced it myself.

I find myself praying for him hoping that he is doing well. I even searched for him on social media. 

Yesterday, I found a page that could possible be his. I reached out and sent a message. Last night, I received a message back from one of Gene's friends. She said that Gene wanted to respond to me, but he would violate his parole conditions if he was to have communication with me. I'm grateful that he is mindful of being in violation and is choosing to do what is expected of him.

I guess I am hoping that he is staying on the recovery path. I know it is extremely difficult to stay connected in these times. I wanted Gene to know that NA and AA online zoom meetings are available 24/7.

In my impact statement I had even stated my hope that maybe someday he and I would be able to speak together about forgiveness and healing. Some people have asked me WHY do I care or more than that, HOW can I care about him when my boy is dead?

Matthew, would not want me or any of us to live in hate and anger. He cared deeply for others and had a heart for those suffering with addiction.

The only thing that I know for sure is; when I am practicing forgiveness I feel good, when I'm not practicing forgiveness, living in fear instead of love, I find myself judgemental, angry, and intolerant of most everyone.

 As I constantly sort through all of THIS with GOD,  I am again reminded that I can not change what is already done; none of us can! I don't know what God's plan is for my life or for Gene's life. I do know that God wants the best for all of us. God's will is for me to be happy and free.

Once again, I am left with the knowledge that I have two choices; I can either live in fear or love. I am choosing Love. God, please continue to clear my mind and heal my heart. Give me the eyes to see, the ears to hear, and the words to speak. Guide my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. Amen