Why am I still trying to make sense out of nonsense?

 It's really not difficult to understand why I feel like I'm losing my grip, at times! I literally can not even grasp how back ass ward MY world looks to me.

Just as I began typing this, someone outside my window started honking their car horn over and over again. I can't stop myself from laughing out loud. I wonder sometimes if I am in a never ending episode of the twilight zone. Do other people feel this same way? Or, am I simply the crazy lady who keeps trying to make sense out of nonsense?

Anyway, here I am, AGAIN, in this lonely place, where I can't do anything, except, write about it! This is the place I come to when I have run out of options. When I have called and left messages and I have sent all the emails to the people whom I think can or who I thought are suppose to help us sort through this madness. More times than not, the answers to my many questions, leave me feeling even more defeated. 

So, once again, I tell myself, Ok girl, you have got to get this out of your head, lets write! In the next instance, just the thought of writing sends me into a frenzy. Its like a tsunami flooding my brain with all the injustices and literal insanity, that we have endured over these last 14 years and 4 months. 

 I'm acutely aware of the fact that we are not unique. We are one family dealing with these issues. There are MILLIONS of families everywhere living this never ending nightmare, as well. 

This place that I come to, when I have done all that I can do, is very familiar. I've been here so many times since Matt was murdered. It's dark and lonely. I know that it's not good for me to be in this place for long. I have to snap the proverbial rubber band around my wrist several times to remind myself to GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

After, the"rubber band" has been snapped, I move to the place where I "act" like everything is fine. If I don't try and fake it until I make it... UMMM NOPE, I don't EVER want to go back there! 

The old saying that has been drilled in to me my entire life, You know the one, ...."LIFE AIN'T FAIR" is the biggest UNDER STATEMENT, EVER!!! I keep wanting someone, somewhere, to say to me, "Don't worry honey, we are going to make it fair, Right NOW"! Why I do that to myself, I do not know?

Even so, I know that I will not give up. I will continue to try and make enough noise that SOMEONE will hear and take notice. I will try and remember that Matt wants me to be happy and have joy however and whenever. I will continue to write the letters and express my deep disappointment, as well as, my disgust with how victims and their families have fewer rights than those who murder our loved ones. 

I am truly grateful for all the love from my family and friends as well as the support that I have in my life. Thank you ALL