Three days ago I wrote about my internal dilemma. How for the last eleven plus years I have been trying to sort through my thoughts and feelings regarding one of the people responsible for Matt's death. How this person is the only one (out of the three in the car) who turned himself and the other two into police. How I found myself empathizing with him during our meeting three years ago. How conflicted I have felt about that! How I have struggled daily with what forgiveness means to me?
This brings me to today We had our monthly community clean up downtown this morning.
Raymond moved the check-in table to the grassy area across from Starbucks. Most every one had already grabbed their buckets and garbage pickers and left to begin picking up trash downtown.
Raymond, Sheila, and I stayed back and took some pictures and talked.
A woman walked by and Sheila said hello to her. I immediately froze in my tracks. I knew it was her; the driver of the car, her boyfriend at that time, was the gunman who killed our Matt. Oh My God! Is this really happening? This is all that I could think! Was it really her? I already knew it was. I told Sheila and Raymond that was Nicole Stewart!
I looked and didn't see her anymore? Raymond already knew that I had to leave the clean-up early because my cousin is here visiting from out of state.
She had just texted me that she was heading to our house from Winters.
Sheila knew that I was really leaving at that moment to go look for Nicole.
I got in Matt's car drove around the block. There she was! I began to shake. I pulled up to her and got out of the car. I said, "Nicole do you remember me"? She said, Yes. Right then I started to sob.
God, I have hated this woman for over eleven years. I have struggled with knowing that I didn't hurt her when I had the chance years before.
The last time I saw her, before now, was nine years ago at Target. I wanted to hurt her bad.
I remember yelling at her and pushing my fists deeper and deeper into my coat pockets to contain them. I saw her little boy, standing in the
Target shopping cart watching me. This little boy was the son of the killer of my son.
My oldest daughter was also with me and I could feel her anxiety as she stood beside me. She not knowing what I was going to do to this woman who had a huge part in devastating our lives. I didn't hurt Nicole that day at Target nine years ago. I only yelled at her and told her what a piece of shit she was.
Today, we stood there looking at each other crying. I began to ask her a lot of questions about September 1st 2008. She answered them all. I asked her about her son, who is now eleven years old. I asked her if he goes to prison to see his father? No, she said. Her son has no contact with the man, his father, who shot our Matt. We talked and cried.
This was absolutely NOT my PLAN! I had the perfect opportunity to hurt her. She was by herself, nobody was around.
In that very moment I knew that is NOT WHO I AM! I really don't want to harm anyone. I want to be free of this hate, rage, and anger.
God, what are you doing? The truth is, I know what God is doing! He is giving me every opportunity to heal my shattered and broken heart and mind.
When I got home my cousin was here waiting for me. I was able to tell her what had just taken place. She said she was glad she wasn't with me. Both of our daughters had similar responses. But, because they know that this encounter helped me, I think it kind of helped them too.
The EGO (Edging God Out) part of me is telling me I should have hit her. I know that it would not have helped me at all. I am grateful that I was able to humanize her, as hard as that is to say and write.
I have been practicing forgiveness for myself for nearly 30 years. In those years and before, I have been given countless opportunities to perceive things differently. I have been given the gift of spiritual principles to try and learn to live by. I have failed many times and will fail many more.
I'm eternally grateful for the moments in time when I am able to *SEE/FEEL* glimpses of HEAVEN. There is no feeling like it! The peace and calm that comes in these glimpses is like nothing I have ever felt before. In these glimpses is where I believe the saying "Heaven on Earth" comes from.
I have to write this down because I know that it is fleeting. In one glimpse I see heaven and in the next moment I fall back into the EGO; wanting to control outcomes and situations which leave me feeling alone and in fear.
Today, I will try to remember the weightless feeling of peace and calm. I will focus on the undeniable feelings of love, forgiveness and contentment.
God, thank you for giving me the glimpses of heaven once again. Thank you for guiding me and giving me the courage to do the right thing for the right reason in the moment. Thank you for filling me with a peace which surpasses all understanding. I am truly blessed to have had these glimpses at all. Thank You <3
Saturday, November 30, 2019
Wednesday, November 27, 2019
God, guide me please
I have been talking about this and praying about it for nearly a year now. It is especially devastating to be still dealing with all of this madness as we approach our 11th Thanksgiving and Christmas without our Matt.
This past January, a Senate Bill was signed into law. It is called SB 1437. It's the new felony murder rule. Many people charged with murder, who were NOT the actual murderer, but were charged with murder, now have the opportunity to have their murder convictions changed, if they qualify.
Gene Combs, was sentenced to 15 years to life for 2nd degree murder, in the murder of our Matt. Gene was not the actual shooter, but did give the shooter the gun, was in the car, driven by the shooters pregnant girlfriend, and left several messages on the intended targets voicemail. In one of those messages, Gene Combs states: "Those bullets were meant for you, mother fucker." There is much more, but, this is the gist of it.
Now, here is my confusing and heart wrenching internal dilemma.
Raymond and I went to see Gene Combs, in prison, almost 3 years ago. We had a four hour meeting with him, his counselor, and a facilitator. We wanted to know exactly what happened on September 1st 2008. We wanted Gene Combs to look us in the eyes, and tell us what was going through his mind on that day, when our Matt was senselessly taken from this world by gun violence.
We wanted to know why Gene Combs decided to tell on himself, Henry Don Williams, and Nicole Stewart, 12 days after Matt was shot. We wanted Gene Combs to tell us EVERYTHING! He did.
My mind and heart has been in conflict ever since.
Gene Combs shared about his substance abuse and the terrible things that he had done. I understood this because, I myself, have been in recovery for over half my life. I related to Gene Combs and his addiction. I understood doing things that I swore I would never do, all because I was under the influence of a mind altering, mood changing, substance. It was hard to feel myself relating to this person who had been a part of my only sons murder.
Nonetheless, this is what was happening. I couldn't escape the empathy that I was feeling for this man charged with 2nd degree murder in our Matt's death.
The thought of betraying my son, by having these feelings of empathy for one of the people responsible for his death, has been equally devastating and confusing. On the other hand, Matt believed in people having second chances. He believed that people could turn their lives around. He knew it was possible because he had seen it in his own family.
During our meeting with Gene Combs, he shared how he was supposed to be at his son's birthday party at a water park on September 1, 2008. How he just needed to get one bag of dope before he went to the party. How that decision of his to get that bag, has changed the lives of so many people. How he wishes he could go back, but, he knows that he can't. He vowed to live out the rest of his life by doing the right things for the right reasons. He said he would do his time and be a mentor for other inmates.
We all sobbed and expressed our feelings. We talked about what the future looks like for all of us. We talked about his family; His wife and two boys. We talked about his addiction, when it started, what his life was like growing up. We shared ourselves so intimately. We will forever be connected in this life.
We forgave Gene Combs, that day, in that room on prison grounds. Accepting responsibility for his actions is a huge part of recovery. Raymond told him that we would not be a stumbling block for him on his journey of recovery. We told him that we were glad to hear that he was dealing with his addiction and facilitating NA and AA meetings in the prison.
Now, today, here we are:
Gene Combs filed the petition for SB1437 as soon as it became law in January. My heart sank when I found this out. I have felt angry and confused.
Gene Combs you told us you accepted responsibility for your actions and would do your time for Matt's murder? What has changed? Do you no longer believe that you were a huge player in Matt's murder? What about everything you said to us?
What does any of this really mean? Can I have both gratitude and un-forgiveness in my heart at the same time? Are all of my feelings valid?
Now, the defense investigator wants to talk with us about our prison meeting with Gene Combs three years ago.
God, please clear my mind and heal my heart. Guide me to where you would have me go. Give me wisdom and clarity. Amen
This past January, a Senate Bill was signed into law. It is called SB 1437. It's the new felony murder rule. Many people charged with murder, who were NOT the actual murderer, but were charged with murder, now have the opportunity to have their murder convictions changed, if they qualify.
Gene Combs, was sentenced to 15 years to life for 2nd degree murder, in the murder of our Matt. Gene was not the actual shooter, but did give the shooter the gun, was in the car, driven by the shooters pregnant girlfriend, and left several messages on the intended targets voicemail. In one of those messages, Gene Combs states: "Those bullets were meant for you, mother fucker." There is much more, but, this is the gist of it.
Now, here is my confusing and heart wrenching internal dilemma.
Raymond and I went to see Gene Combs, in prison, almost 3 years ago. We had a four hour meeting with him, his counselor, and a facilitator. We wanted to know exactly what happened on September 1st 2008. We wanted Gene Combs to look us in the eyes, and tell us what was going through his mind on that day, when our Matt was senselessly taken from this world by gun violence.
We wanted to know why Gene Combs decided to tell on himself, Henry Don Williams, and Nicole Stewart, 12 days after Matt was shot. We wanted Gene Combs to tell us EVERYTHING! He did.
My mind and heart has been in conflict ever since.
Gene Combs shared about his substance abuse and the terrible things that he had done. I understood this because, I myself, have been in recovery for over half my life. I related to Gene Combs and his addiction. I understood doing things that I swore I would never do, all because I was under the influence of a mind altering, mood changing, substance. It was hard to feel myself relating to this person who had been a part of my only sons murder.
Nonetheless, this is what was happening. I couldn't escape the empathy that I was feeling for this man charged with 2nd degree murder in our Matt's death.
The thought of betraying my son, by having these feelings of empathy for one of the people responsible for his death, has been equally devastating and confusing. On the other hand, Matt believed in people having second chances. He believed that people could turn their lives around. He knew it was possible because he had seen it in his own family.
During our meeting with Gene Combs, he shared how he was supposed to be at his son's birthday party at a water park on September 1, 2008. How he just needed to get one bag of dope before he went to the party. How that decision of his to get that bag, has changed the lives of so many people. How he wishes he could go back, but, he knows that he can't. He vowed to live out the rest of his life by doing the right things for the right reasons. He said he would do his time and be a mentor for other inmates.
We all sobbed and expressed our feelings. We talked about what the future looks like for all of us. We talked about his family; His wife and two boys. We talked about his addiction, when it started, what his life was like growing up. We shared ourselves so intimately. We will forever be connected in this life.
We forgave Gene Combs, that day, in that room on prison grounds. Accepting responsibility for his actions is a huge part of recovery. Raymond told him that we would not be a stumbling block for him on his journey of recovery. We told him that we were glad to hear that he was dealing with his addiction and facilitating NA and AA meetings in the prison.
Now, today, here we are:
Gene Combs filed the petition for SB1437 as soon as it became law in January. My heart sank when I found this out. I have felt angry and confused.
Gene Combs you told us you accepted responsibility for your actions and would do your time for Matt's murder? What has changed? Do you no longer believe that you were a huge player in Matt's murder? What about everything you said to us?
What does any of this really mean? Can I have both gratitude and un-forgiveness in my heart at the same time? Are all of my feelings valid?
Now, the defense investigator wants to talk with us about our prison meeting with Gene Combs three years ago.
God, please clear my mind and heal my heart. Guide me to where you would have me go. Give me wisdom and clarity. Amen
Tuesday, September 3, 2019
Focusing on the Good
These dates, September 1st and September 2nd are forever etched on my soul. Matthew was shot on the night of September 1st, labor day 2008. We spent the night on the floor of the ICU visitors lounge. September 2nd our family was ushered into a small room where we were told that Matthew would not recover from the gunshot wound to his brain. I only remember hearing screams after that. I'm not sure who's screams they were. Mine, our two daughter's, Raymond, Grandma, or all of us!
This was a real life nightmare that I wasn't able to wake up from. Who would do this to Matt? Why would anyone do this to him? Those questions were answered weeks later.
When I look back now, I see that we all felt the same. It was a nightmare and none of us would ever wake-up from this.
Here we are today; eleven years later. So much has changed. Our daughter's are grown, amazing, women with families of their own. They have learned how to navigate through all of this in their own ways.
Raymond and I love being grandparents. We, our family, and friends, continue to walk forward each day, striving to keep Matt's dream alive by supporting youth, which will help to stop crime, and ultimately strengthen our community.
Focusing on the good doesn't mean I am in denial of what is happening around me. Focusing on the good doesn't mean I don't feel anger and rage. Focusing on the good means that I try to find the good in situations. I learn to change my perception of things. When I do this, I am able to see Good. When I don't do this, I am filled with a sense of hopelessness and contempt.
I am reminded of the awesome people that have been in our lives and those who have come along this journey with us. We have been extremely blessed with so much love and support over the years. How can I not focus on that? The beautiful calls, cards, texts, and posts that we receive every September 1st and 2nd is incredible, to say the least.
There is good all around us. I get to choose what to focus on. I think about what Matt would want us to do. He would most definitely want us to focus on the good. He also would want us to stand up for that which is not good. So, this is where we are today! Standing up for that which is not good while focusing on the good that is all around us. <3
This was a real life nightmare that I wasn't able to wake up from. Who would do this to Matt? Why would anyone do this to him? Those questions were answered weeks later.
When I look back now, I see that we all felt the same. It was a nightmare and none of us would ever wake-up from this.
Here we are today; eleven years later. So much has changed. Our daughter's are grown, amazing, women with families of their own. They have learned how to navigate through all of this in their own ways.
Raymond and I love being grandparents. We, our family, and friends, continue to walk forward each day, striving to keep Matt's dream alive by supporting youth, which will help to stop crime, and ultimately strengthen our community.
Focusing on the good doesn't mean I am in denial of what is happening around me. Focusing on the good doesn't mean I don't feel anger and rage. Focusing on the good means that I try to find the good in situations. I learn to change my perception of things. When I do this, I am able to see Good. When I don't do this, I am filled with a sense of hopelessness and contempt.
I am reminded of the awesome people that have been in our lives and those who have come along this journey with us. We have been extremely blessed with so much love and support over the years. How can I not focus on that? The beautiful calls, cards, texts, and posts that we receive every September 1st and 2nd is incredible, to say the least.
There is good all around us. I get to choose what to focus on. I think about what Matt would want us to do. He would most definitely want us to focus on the good. He also would want us to stand up for that which is not good. So, this is where we are today! Standing up for that which is not good while focusing on the good that is all around us. <3
Saturday, June 1, 2019
Our baby is a grown ass woman
I woke up this morning thinking about what was happening on this very morning at 6:57AM 26 years ago. I gave birth to our beautiful baby girl, TeaRae. She was 8 pounds 10 ounces and 21 inches long. She was born with the umbilical cord around her neck and wasn't breathing. We were terrified! What seemed like forever, but, was probably less than a minute, we finally heard her cry. Then we cried with joy and thanked God for saving our little baby girl.
I was remembering the joy and excitement that I felt when I found out that we were pregnant.
Raymond and I had been trying to have a baby and it wasn't happening the way "I" thought it would or should. After we went for fertility testing and it was confirmed that nothing was stopping me from conceiving, and that we needed to just relax, let go, and let God.
Within another month...It HAPPENED!
We were living in Hawaii at the time. Raymond worked hard and long hours. Matthew was in kindergarten and Briana in pre-school. I was determined to do everything right with this pregnancy. I had quit smoking three months before I conceived. Thank you, God! I was trying to eat healthy and get plenty of exercise. I had been in recovery for over 2 years at this point. I was feeling great!
We had been in Hawaii for a little over a year and I was missing home and all my people. I loved our time in paradise but, you can only go so far on an island. I was 4 months pregnant when we decided to move back to California. Matt and Briana were happy to be back home too.
My amazing friend, Laura, tells me all the time, that I got my personality while I was pregnant with TeaRae. I'm not sure if that is a dig or what? I thought I was always funny. Guess not. LOL
I remember it was a Monday evening, May 31, 1993 (Memorial Day). I had returned home from a women's meeting. Raymond and I were in our room talking. I was laying on my side on our bed when all of a sudden I felt a pop and instantly felt it! My water had just broke.
I called my mom and the the rest of the family to let them know that we were headed to Kaiser in Vallejo.Matt and Briana were being babysat by one of their Aunts and we were on our way to finally meet our baby girl. I felt an urgency to get to the hospital, thinking that this was my third child so it would most likely go quickly.
I wanted to have a natural birth so I asked that I not be given any medication. I wanted the whole experience. Man, was that a dumb move! It was 10 1/2 hours later before little miss TeaRae decided to join us.
These past 26 years have been amazing, beautiful, hard, sad, encouraging, eventful, scary, awesome, and I would do it all over again. The time goes by so quickly. I can't really wrap my head around the fact that our baby is a beautiful and amazing woman who has built a wonderful life.
Thank you TeaRae for being such a positive example of love, compassion, honesty, and beauty in this world that looks so ugly at times. I'm honored and blessed to be your mom. I love you!
I was remembering the joy and excitement that I felt when I found out that we were pregnant.
Raymond and I had been trying to have a baby and it wasn't happening the way "I" thought it would or should. After we went for fertility testing and it was confirmed that nothing was stopping me from conceiving, and that we needed to just relax, let go, and let God.
Within another month...It HAPPENED!
We were living in Hawaii at the time. Raymond worked hard and long hours. Matthew was in kindergarten and Briana in pre-school. I was determined to do everything right with this pregnancy. I had quit smoking three months before I conceived. Thank you, God! I was trying to eat healthy and get plenty of exercise. I had been in recovery for over 2 years at this point. I was feeling great!
We had been in Hawaii for a little over a year and I was missing home and all my people. I loved our time in paradise but, you can only go so far on an island. I was 4 months pregnant when we decided to move back to California. Matt and Briana were happy to be back home too.
My amazing friend, Laura, tells me all the time, that I got my personality while I was pregnant with TeaRae. I'm not sure if that is a dig or what? I thought I was always funny. Guess not. LOL
I remember it was a Monday evening, May 31, 1993 (Memorial Day). I had returned home from a women's meeting. Raymond and I were in our room talking. I was laying on my side on our bed when all of a sudden I felt a pop and instantly felt it! My water had just broke.
I called my mom and the the rest of the family to let them know that we were headed to Kaiser in Vallejo.Matt and Briana were being babysat by one of their Aunts and we were on our way to finally meet our baby girl. I felt an urgency to get to the hospital, thinking that this was my third child so it would most likely go quickly.
I wanted to have a natural birth so I asked that I not be given any medication. I wanted the whole experience. Man, was that a dumb move! It was 10 1/2 hours later before little miss TeaRae decided to join us.
These past 26 years have been amazing, beautiful, hard, sad, encouraging, eventful, scary, awesome, and I would do it all over again. The time goes by so quickly. I can't really wrap my head around the fact that our baby is a beautiful and amazing woman who has built a wonderful life.
Thank you TeaRae for being such a positive example of love, compassion, honesty, and beauty in this world that looks so ugly at times. I'm honored and blessed to be your mom. I love you!
Wednesday, April 24, 2019
Trying to sort through this mess
I woke up late this morning, well...7:00AM is late for me. I was given the gift of staying with my little Ansel last night so his mom and dad could have a date night at the San Jose Sharks game. I'm grateful.
We had Monday and Tuesday court hearings this week for two of the people responsible for Matt's murder. After leaving yesterdays hearing I felt like I wanted to just go home and crawl in bed. I'm glad that I wasn't able to do that because I had already said I would stay with Ansel.
I always feel so much better when I get to see my precious grandson. My entire self has to be present with him. I have no time to try and sort through what happened at the court hearings or to think about the next ones coming up. Ansel has my full attention. Thank you God for giving me these moments of peace and joy.
Today, I will again try and sort through this mess. I know I won't be able to because there is NO SENSE to be had. We go back to court next month on Tuesday, May 21st and on Wednesday, May 29th.
Some people have asked me if it's healthy for me to be at these court hearings? I used to be a little shocked and angry by the questioning. Then, I'm reminded... unless, you have had to walk in my shoes there is no possible way that anyone could even begin to understand what it's like to feel complete powerlessness due to the murder of your child. I wasn't able to protect my son from being murdered. I am able to be a voice. I am able to suit up and show up.
We and countless other victims and family members of victims are having to walk through the horrific events of their loved ones murder. Some of the cases coming back, because of a bill signed into law (SB 1437) by Jerry Brown before he left office, are nearly 50 years old. Matt's murder is only 10 1/2 years old...I find gratitude where I can.
My only recourse is to write about what is happening in our system and how it affects so many lives. I write because I can't keep this mess bottled up inside of me. I also share my hope and joy, because, I know that if I live my life only in the problem I will miss the wonderful stuff that is right in front of me. I write the truth about how scared and angry I am.
Many times a day I feel like something bad is going to happen. I have those thoughts and feelings because something really bad has already happened. I have to tell the truth; ESPECIALLY, to MYSELF! The truth is...this is a FUCKING CRAZY MESS!
Thursday, April 11, 2019
Confused and Frightened
The past few months have felt like an insane roller coaster ride with my thoughts and emotions all over the place, shaking and rattling me to my core. Today, after arriving home from a couple of eventful days in San Diego, I think I can finally sort through some of the roaring chatter in my mind.
We attended another court date on Tuesday morning at 9:00am in Vallejo for one of the persons responsible for our Matt's murder. It appears that this new law, SB 1437 will allow this person a hearing for possible re-sentencing.
When Matt was murdered we were given a card that explained OUR RIGHTS (Marsy's Law) https://oag.ca.gov/victimservices/content/bill_of_rights as family members of the victim.
This is definitely a violation of Marsy's Law. We have had NO FINAL CONCLUSION.
It's been 10 1/2 years!
9. To a speedy trial and a prompt and final conclusion of the case and any related post-judgment proceedings.
The shooter, Henry Don Williams, received 50 years to life for firing 8 shots at Matthew. One of the bullets hitting Matt in the back of his head, severing his brain stem.
Gene Combs, who, along with the driver of the getaway car, provided the shooter with the gun. Gene Combs also called the intended target, after Matt was shot. He left a message on the drug dealers voicemail saying; "Those bullets were meant for you Mother Fucker." He received 15 years to life.
Yes, Gene Combs went to the police 2 weeks later and told them what the three of them had done. Matt is still dead. That day our family was given a life-sentence without the possibility of parole.
The driver, Nicole Stewart, who was the shooters pregnant girlfriend, was never charged with any crime. Again, we were devastated by this decision.
And, here we are once again!
We have 2 court dates coming up on April 22nd for Matt's shooter and on April 23rd for Gene Combs.
After court on Tuesday, myself, my oldest daughter, and my grandson, headed to the airport to spend a couple of relaxing days in San Diego. I needed to be in the sun on the sand surrounded by the ocean.
What we witnessed late afternoon yesterday as we walked back to our room, was far from relaxing. It was actually traumatizing. We witnessed 3 men beating and stomping a man outside of a restaurant/bar. These three men were employees of the bar. Briana and I were across the street screaming for them to STOP. The man wasn't moving anymore and they continued to stomp on him. 911 was called but these three guys wouldn't stop. It was so horrible.
We were grateful that Ansel was sound asleep in his stroller and never woke up. It took us a long time to calm down after seeing such horrific violence. We watched as the police, fire, and ambulance arrived. We felt like we could continue making our way back to our room. We couldn't believe what we had just witnessed.
At midnight, Ansel woke up screaming. We didn't know what was wrong? Just then, Briana saw someone going through the garbage outside our window. Within a minute or so, the power went out in our room. Everything was pitch black. It was frightening.
We tried to call the front desk but the phone didn't work. Bri called 911 from her cell phone and was told that the entire area was experiencing a power outage.
This was the last straw for us. Briana called the airline and had our flight changed so we cold leave earlier. We packed up with the light from our phones. We left our room at 1:30 this morning.
I needed to replace the gas that I had used in the rental car, but, it was the wee hours of the morning and we didn't feel safe. Ansel needed his milk too. We found a Walgreens that was open. The night manger was concerned for us being out there at that time. He walked us out after our purchase. We noticed the well lite Shell station directly across the street. We could now head to the airport.
I want to get off of this roller coaster ride! My stomach hurts, I want to throw-up, and I'm terrified by all of the events that have taken place. The insanity of this ride is that we can't seem to get off. The lap bar won't release. Our Matt is never coming back and we are forced to loop these cork screws and have the blood rush to our heads from hanging upside down. God, help us!
I am grateful for all of the amazing people, places, and things that we have in our lives. Our grandson, Ansel, has been a beautiful bright light for our family. The love and support we receive has been our life line. Even though this roller coaster won't let us off, we are forever thankful for our family and friends who continue to be willing to see us through all the absurdity.
God, please clear my mind and heal my heart. Guide my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. Give me the eyes to see, the ears to hear, and the words to speak. Amen
We attended another court date on Tuesday morning at 9:00am in Vallejo for one of the persons responsible for our Matt's murder. It appears that this new law, SB 1437 will allow this person a hearing for possible re-sentencing.
When Matt was murdered we were given a card that explained OUR RIGHTS (Marsy's Law) https://oag.ca.gov/victimservices/content/bill_of_rights as family members of the victim.
This is definitely a violation of Marsy's Law. We have had NO FINAL CONCLUSION.
It's been 10 1/2 years!
9. To a speedy trial and a prompt and final conclusion of the case and any related post-judgment proceedings.
The shooter, Henry Don Williams, received 50 years to life for firing 8 shots at Matthew. One of the bullets hitting Matt in the back of his head, severing his brain stem.
Gene Combs, who, along with the driver of the getaway car, provided the shooter with the gun. Gene Combs also called the intended target, after Matt was shot. He left a message on the drug dealers voicemail saying; "Those bullets were meant for you Mother Fucker." He received 15 years to life.
Yes, Gene Combs went to the police 2 weeks later and told them what the three of them had done. Matt is still dead. That day our family was given a life-sentence without the possibility of parole.
The driver, Nicole Stewart, who was the shooters pregnant girlfriend, was never charged with any crime. Again, we were devastated by this decision.
And, here we are once again!
We have 2 court dates coming up on April 22nd for Matt's shooter and on April 23rd for Gene Combs.
After court on Tuesday, myself, my oldest daughter, and my grandson, headed to the airport to spend a couple of relaxing days in San Diego. I needed to be in the sun on the sand surrounded by the ocean.
What we witnessed late afternoon yesterday as we walked back to our room, was far from relaxing. It was actually traumatizing. We witnessed 3 men beating and stomping a man outside of a restaurant/bar. These three men were employees of the bar. Briana and I were across the street screaming for them to STOP. The man wasn't moving anymore and they continued to stomp on him. 911 was called but these three guys wouldn't stop. It was so horrible.
We were grateful that Ansel was sound asleep in his stroller and never woke up. It took us a long time to calm down after seeing such horrific violence. We watched as the police, fire, and ambulance arrived. We felt like we could continue making our way back to our room. We couldn't believe what we had just witnessed.
At midnight, Ansel woke up screaming. We didn't know what was wrong? Just then, Briana saw someone going through the garbage outside our window. Within a minute or so, the power went out in our room. Everything was pitch black. It was frightening.
We tried to call the front desk but the phone didn't work. Bri called 911 from her cell phone and was told that the entire area was experiencing a power outage.
This was the last straw for us. Briana called the airline and had our flight changed so we cold leave earlier. We packed up with the light from our phones. We left our room at 1:30 this morning.
I needed to replace the gas that I had used in the rental car, but, it was the wee hours of the morning and we didn't feel safe. Ansel needed his milk too. We found a Walgreens that was open. The night manger was concerned for us being out there at that time. He walked us out after our purchase. We noticed the well lite Shell station directly across the street. We could now head to the airport.
I want to get off of this roller coaster ride! My stomach hurts, I want to throw-up, and I'm terrified by all of the events that have taken place. The insanity of this ride is that we can't seem to get off. The lap bar won't release. Our Matt is never coming back and we are forced to loop these cork screws and have the blood rush to our heads from hanging upside down. God, help us!
I am grateful for all of the amazing people, places, and things that we have in our lives. Our grandson, Ansel, has been a beautiful bright light for our family. The love and support we receive has been our life line. Even though this roller coaster won't let us off, we are forever thankful for our family and friends who continue to be willing to see us through all the absurdity.
God, please clear my mind and heal my heart. Guide my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. Give me the eyes to see, the ears to hear, and the words to speak. Amen
Tuesday, January 22, 2019
Love instead of Hate
I woke up later than usual this morning thinking about the dream or rather the nightmare that I had.
I usually try to talk/write about the dreams I have to take the power out of them. I didn't do that this morning. I just popped up and began my morning routine which consists of my husband bringing me a zeal and then a cup of coffee in bed. He's the best!
I watched a movie on Amazon Prime last night called, Peppermint. It stars, Jennifer Garner. She is with her family at a Christmas carnival in their town on December 21st which also happens to be her little girl, Carley's, birthday.
The three of them are shot by some gang/drug cartel. Riley North (Jennifer Garner) wakes up in the hospital. Her husband and little daughter are dead.
I hated watching this but I couldn't stop watching at the same time. The judge let the three gang members/murderers go.
When Riley North realized that the men who gunned her family down would now walk free It ignited something deep inside of her. She wanted justice.
For the next five years, Riley went off the grid. In those years she trained in everything from Martial arts to cage fighting and learned how to use many different assault weapons.
The story went on to show how Riley used violence to get the justice she so wanted. I don't agree with violence but I found myself cheering for her from the comfort of my bed.
This brings me to why I'm sure I had the dreams/nightmares that I had. Just the day before this I had started to read through all of my journals. I was quickly reminded of all the injustice that we and other families have had to and continue to deal with.
I even had an entry in one of my journals about how a few of my friends had met with a couple of cops to talk about the murder of Matt. Two of the officers proceeded to tell them that they still believed that Matt was affiliated with gang members (as he sat on the city council). Really? Are you kidding me? That just pissed me off all over again!
I also came across an entry where Matt's murderer had printed up all my facebook posts while he was in county jail. I was livid that he was allowed to do that! The more I read the angrier I became.
It was clear to me, ONCE AGAIN, that victims and the victims family have no rights. The rights are reserved for the perpetrators!
The years of court hearings and Matt's killer having the "right" to file motions for new trials, change in venue, requesting another attorney (on several occasions), representing himself, and so on. This went on for years.
I was always told, that if we didn't give him those rights he could come back and appeal. What are you saying? He still came back time and time again even after being denied. How many appeals does a murderer get? My son is dead! We didn't get to appeal anything. We just had to keep showing up to court, looking at this killer, and wondering how is any of this reasonable and acceptable. What about our boy, Matthew?
The story of Riley North, was just that, a story, making a good movie. The story of Matthew Garcia is our life. What happened to him, even while sitting on the city council, and then ten months later, being shot in the back of the head on Labor Day is a real life story of justice gone wrong.
Over these last ten plus years I have been in training too. I have been learning to master forgiveness and empathy. I've been training in research for victims. I've become somewhat of an expert in tenacity and perseverance. I've learned to use my voice to help those who can longer speak. My passion is to help others maneuver through the madness of not only having to deal with the murder of our children but the unrelenting madness of our system.
Reminding myself on a daily basis that even though I don't physically see justice happening and that justice will be even harder to see with the new law SB 1437 I have to keep the faith that one day justice will be served.
I usually try to talk/write about the dreams I have to take the power out of them. I didn't do that this morning. I just popped up and began my morning routine which consists of my husband bringing me a zeal and then a cup of coffee in bed. He's the best!
I watched a movie on Amazon Prime last night called, Peppermint. It stars, Jennifer Garner. She is with her family at a Christmas carnival in their town on December 21st which also happens to be her little girl, Carley's, birthday.
The three of them are shot by some gang/drug cartel. Riley North (Jennifer Garner) wakes up in the hospital. Her husband and little daughter are dead.
I hated watching this but I couldn't stop watching at the same time. The judge let the three gang members/murderers go.
When Riley North realized that the men who gunned her family down would now walk free It ignited something deep inside of her. She wanted justice.
For the next five years, Riley went off the grid. In those years she trained in everything from Martial arts to cage fighting and learned how to use many different assault weapons.
The story went on to show how Riley used violence to get the justice she so wanted. I don't agree with violence but I found myself cheering for her from the comfort of my bed.
This brings me to why I'm sure I had the dreams/nightmares that I had. Just the day before this I had started to read through all of my journals. I was quickly reminded of all the injustice that we and other families have had to and continue to deal with.
I even had an entry in one of my journals about how a few of my friends had met with a couple of cops to talk about the murder of Matt. Two of the officers proceeded to tell them that they still believed that Matt was affiliated with gang members (as he sat on the city council). Really? Are you kidding me? That just pissed me off all over again!
I also came across an entry where Matt's murderer had printed up all my facebook posts while he was in county jail. I was livid that he was allowed to do that! The more I read the angrier I became.
It was clear to me, ONCE AGAIN, that victims and the victims family have no rights. The rights are reserved for the perpetrators!
The years of court hearings and Matt's killer having the "right" to file motions for new trials, change in venue, requesting another attorney (on several occasions), representing himself, and so on. This went on for years.
I was always told, that if we didn't give him those rights he could come back and appeal. What are you saying? He still came back time and time again even after being denied. How many appeals does a murderer get? My son is dead! We didn't get to appeal anything. We just had to keep showing up to court, looking at this killer, and wondering how is any of this reasonable and acceptable. What about our boy, Matthew?
The story of Riley North, was just that, a story, making a good movie. The story of Matthew Garcia is our life. What happened to him, even while sitting on the city council, and then ten months later, being shot in the back of the head on Labor Day is a real life story of justice gone wrong.
Over these last ten plus years I have been in training too. I have been learning to master forgiveness and empathy. I've been training in research for victims. I've become somewhat of an expert in tenacity and perseverance. I've learned to use my voice to help those who can longer speak. My passion is to help others maneuver through the madness of not only having to deal with the murder of our children but the unrelenting madness of our system.
Reminding myself on a daily basis that even though I don't physically see justice happening and that justice will be even harder to see with the new law SB 1437 I have to keep the faith that one day justice will be served.
Saturday, January 12, 2019
Madness
I woke up this morning and knew that I had to write. My mind is all over the place. It jumps from one thought to the next in overdrive. These past few weeks have been a series of events that have me excited and hopeful one minute, then angry and scared the next. I can't seem to get a handle on my jumbled thoughts.
On January 2, 2019 a new law went into effect. Senate Bill 1437. It's a complicated law that will help those who have been charged with felony murder who were unwitting participants in the actual crime. Those unwitting participants will no longer be charged with a felony murder charge as they could have been before this new law. I get that!
What this law does not do and who it doesn't protect is the victims' and their families. Actually, the only reason myself and several other victim's families are even aware of this new law is because one of the mother's of a murdered son is in our Homicide Survivors Group which meets once a month. The new law has thrown the case of the four accused in her son's murder into a mistrial.
This brings me to another issue that I have personally been dealing with for the last almost twenty years. My cousin, Kathy was murdered in April 1999. She was stabbed over fifty times and her body was dumped on Cherry Glen Road. That in itself is heinous enough, Right?
The horror that followed with the "system" enhanced the heinousness of what happened to Kathy ten-fold.
For eight long years Kathy's murderer was here in Fairfield at the county jail. He did a couple of stints at Atascadero due to the fact that he would act out in crazy ways during court proceedings and the defense attorneys would file motions for him to have mental evaluations at these different facilities.
Again, this went on for eight years.
Here is my big issue aside from all of the madness our family suffered through with Kathy's murder and the eight years of court proceedings that followed.
Many times our family was not informed of court hearings or motions that had been filed. This is the job of our appointed Victim's Advocate under the District Attorney's Office. This continued to happen throughout the eight years before Kathy's murderer was FINALLY sentenced in 2007 to fifteen years to life for her murder.
My son, Matthew Garcia, was murdered in 2008. Here we are again, our family has had to deal with the murder of Matthew, our beloved son, brother, grandson, cousin, nephew, and friend.
AGAIN, Our family is Not being informed by our court appointed victims advocate, of court hearings/motions filed.
I understand that this is a systemic issue. In twenty years and three district attorney's later and the problem is still very significant.
I hear from many victim family members on a regular basis about this huge issue. This problem of non-communication has perpetuated the feelings of lack of trust within our JUDICIAL SYSTEM!
I'm not stuck on the problem. I am all about how can we help get to a solution? How can we help out our VICTIMS ADVOCATES and the District Attorneys Office?
Finding out about this new law by a fellow grieving mother instead of being informed that this law was coming down the pike, from our District Attorney/victims advocates, again, is just WRONG!
I still have yet to hear from anyone in the D.A.'s office concerning this new law? I find this disturbing.
Matt's case is just one of the many cases that will be affected by this new law. You would think that SOMEONE, ANYONE in the system, would have made a simple phone call to say this is happening?
I just received an envelope in the mail from the District Attorneys Office. My heart dropped when I saw it. I understand that one of the men involved in Matt's murder will benefit from this new law. He may be getting out soon. I thought that I was somewhat ok with it, because he was the one who turned the three of them into the police. Raymond and I even had a 4 1/2 hour meeting with him two years ago, at the prison he is housed in.
My feelings quickly changed when I saw this letter from the D.A.'s office. I felt myself getting anxious.When I did finally open the envelope, it was a subpoena. I am being called as a witness in another case.
I felt instant relief that this wasn't a notice informing me that the man involved in Matt's murder is being released early. I thought I had worked through most of this. I thought that I had come to a place of forgiveness; not for him but for myself. Well, I guess not.
The letter from the D.A. is letting me know that I am being called as a witness in another horrific crime which happened across the street from us. The fact that I am feeling glad about this, is an indicator that I am NOT OK with an early release for one of the people involved in the murder of my boy.
It would be nice to have had this information about SB1437 when it was filed. It would still be nice to hear from ANYONE in the D.A.'s office.
Myself and several other victims family members could have voiced our concerns before Jerry Brown signed it into law.
I'm not sure that it would have mattered, But, AGAIN, WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN INFORMED! We have NO RIGHTS. Our kids are dead and we have absolutely no SAY ABOUT ANY OF IT.
Yes, I am mad, sad, and scared.
I do have so much to be grateful for. I have an amazing family and friends. I have been blessed with my little precious grandson whom I adore and want to protect from all this madness.
It feels like we are always up against something! I'm not sure what any of this constant madness means? I do know that myself and many other victim's family's are tired of being placed on the back burner of a system that needs an overhaul.
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