Secrets can keep us sick

Several years ago I had sent my DNA to Ancestry.com. Over time since then, I have had contact with several newly found relatives. Many of whom are close cousins that I had never known about. It's been a fascinating journey to realize that I have family in many different parts of the country.

 I was recently contacted via Ancestry.com by a young woman. She also had her DNA completed through ancestry, and she found that we matched as cousins or second cousins. She has been searching for her birth mother for some time now.

She was adopted when she was born. The only thing she had was her birth mothers name. When I saw the name that she typed in that message  I nearly passed out. Oh my God! How could I have not known this?

Here we are 31 years later, and this young woman is searching for her birth mother. I cried as I felt deeply for her and for my cousin, her birth mother.

I texted her birth mother, and  I cried while sharing our newfound family with her. I cried for them, and I cried for all the secrets.`

You see, this new information has brought up some deep feelings that I have regarding my brother. Apparently, my father and my brother's father are two different people. We never knew this... nor do we really know for sure now. When I had asked my mother if this was true, she said "NO." I never asked her about again.

Our family has had secrets for generations. I remember my mother telling me when I was younger that she actually had another brother, named Don. She always thought he was her Uncle because her grandmother raised him as her own. She grew up believing that her Uncle Don was her mother's brother When actually he was her mother's son. Wow! This was Mindblowing information for anyone.

Our dad died when I was just nine months old. My mother was pregnant with my brother. The circumstances of his car accident in Canada always felt like a secret too. Growing up I never met any of my dad's side of the family. I had no way of contacting them. My mother would not give me much information. In my mother's defense, I believe she thought that she was protecting us. Although, I always felt like a part of me was lost.

I finally began a search for my dad's side of the family in 1992. I found several aunts, an uncle, and many cousins. My paternal grandmother passed away in 1988. Most of his family lived in Washington state. I flew there to meet them. This was one of the best experiences of my life. They showered me with love. They showed me movies of my dad when he was growing up. They even gave me photos to take home. I'm forever grateful to my Aunt Jacque and her family for opening their home to me. That piece of myself which had always felt lost had now been found.

The secrets run very deep. There are many. Some I know for sure while others have been rumors within the family. I had several secrets myself. It wasn't until I got into recovery and sought therapy that I realized how secrets will keep me sick. I had one secret that I was going to take to my grave. The only problem with that was that another person who was involved in the secret took it upon himself to tell my son, Matt. It ended up being a blessing because I was able to share everything that happened regarding the entire situation.

 I was able to tell my son how the decision I made on that day when I was sixteen years old changed my life forever. How I will have to live with that awful decision for the rest of my life. It was a teaching and learning experience for both my son and me. I cried with him and told him this is why we must be very mindful of the decisions we make in life. I was really messed up in the head for many years following that life-changing decision.

I don't know that I will ever fully forgive myself for the hurt and harm that I caused in my early years, but I do know that I made the best decision of my life at 23 years old. I asked God and others for help. I was ready to begin to be the best woman, mother, daughter, and friend that I was put here on this planet to be. Thank you, God, and thank you to all of the angels who have walked with me at different times on this journey of life.

Following the murder of my son Matt, my perspective changed on many levels. I became more open and honest. Matt's death shattered me but at the same time opened me in ways I never realized had been closed.

I now have a grandson, Ansel. I want to help give this precious innocent little boy a life second to none. I want him to feel love and never have to question if it's real. No secrets!

My message for today is honesty and openness. I have made many mistakes in my life, but I have also learned much from them. I'm grateful for my life experiences even the harrowing ones. I know that God walks this path with me and has orchestrated every single person who has walked with me for these past fifty-one years.

Here are several pictures of my dad and family. My son, Matt looked so much like my dad. It's incredible to me.