I get what I give

I'm sitting in my backyard listening to the birds chirp and watching the hummingbirds fly back and forth from several hummingbirds feeders that I have spaced around the yard. I also put out some raw peanuts for the squirrels in hopes that they will stop digging in my plants. They have broken several pots and left a mess for us to clean up. 

The air still smells of smoke and there is a haze that will be with us for a while I'm sure. The devastating fires which are still burning in hundreds of counties in California are horrific. We are also expected to have more thunder and lightning tomorrow. Since, the lightning is what sparked these fires in the first place, many of us are on edge. 

As I am typing and looking around at the same time I am filled with gratitude. I have so much to be thankful for. The gratitude comes from a deep knowing and understanding of where I used to be and where I am now; physically, mentally, and spiritually,  I even posted a picture of Matt with a forgiveness quote from Marianne Williamson this morning. I just felt that I needed to remind myself that one of the only reasons that I have so much gratitude is because I have been practicing forgiveness most days over many years now.

We are approaching the 12th anniversary of Matt's murder. Each year I write about where my head is. I think about Matt every day so really the date shouldn't mean anything but it does. I post the same pictures over and over. There will never be new ones. Matthew remains 22 years old forever. I wonder what he would be doing? Would he be married and have kids? Would he still be in politics? How would ours lives be different? These questions will not ever be answered and I know this, but, It doesn't stop me from asking them.

I miss his voice. I miss his laugh. I miss his smart remarks and his tender heart. I miss his obsession with his hair and the gel he used being EVERYWHERE! I miss how he kept his cars so clean on the outside but they were filled with paperwork, clothes, and gel containers on the inside. I miss him with every ounce of my being and always will. 

I've learned so much about myself from my Matt's death. I've learned that I have to keep moving forward and I can't get stuck in the madness of this world. I've learned that it's really none of my business what others think of me. I've learned that I have to also LOVE with every ounce of my being. I've learned to ask questions when I don't understand. I've learned to place myself in others shoes so that I can learn to have empathy; EVEN in the most difficult situations. I thank my boy for leaving me these gifts in his absence. I love you!

The times that we are all living in now seem like a nightmare. I understand feeling as though I'm in a nightmare. I'm grateful again to know this feeling! 

I do my best to have faith that my GOD is ever present. It's easier to believe it when I'm in nature; which today, happens to be my backyard. 

Thank you God, for clearing my mind and healing my heart. Thank you for giving me the eye's to see, the ear's to hear, and the words to speak/write. Thank you for guiding my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. Thank you for filling me with your love, compassion, mercy, and grace. Help me to help others today and always.

Amen

What forgiveness looks like for ME

March 25th we went to court for the last time regarding Gene Combs. We all agreed to a plea deal that would free Gene from prison. In the courtroom on that day, we all had to practice social distancing, due to Covid-19. It was weird and still is as we continue to shelter-in-home during this worldwide pandemic. I was grateful that this would be our final day in court with Gene Combs.

I  read my victim impact statement to Gene and the court, we both sobbed. When I was finished, Gene asked if he could address me? Judge Nelson said, yes.
I felt Gene's remorse as he struggled to get his words out. I have struggled with trying to NOT have empathy and understanding for Gene. It doesn't work that way for me. 

Gene Combs seems different to me. I don't know why? Maybe, it's because he turned himself and the others into police 12 days after Matt was murdered? Maybe, its because he tried to reach out to us after he was sentenced? Maybe, he seems different to me, because I believed him when we met with him in 2016 at Soledad Prison? Maybe, it's because it is what Matt would want me to do? I don't know why? I just know that we will be forever connected because of all of this.

Many of our family and friends have a difficult time comprehending my position. The only explanation that I can offer is that I have the same disease that Gene has. It's called addiction. This does not negate the fact that Matt is dead due to the decisions made by Gene, Henry Don Williams, and others on September 1, 2008. But, hating him is not going to bring Matthew back to us.

Every morning I wake up wondering how Gene Combs has been doing since his release from prison on April 16th 2020. I know, I know, it sounds CRAZY! Why would I even be thinking about him? Is something seriously wrong with me? It's a question that I ask myself. At the same time, I do know why?

God has been working in Gene's life too. God, doesn't stop loving us even if we make horrible, life altering, devastating decisions. This can actually be a time of great healing. I know this to be true because I have experienced it myself.

I find myself praying for him hoping that he is doing well. I even searched for him on social media. 

Yesterday, I found a page that could possible be his. I reached out and sent a message. Last night, I received a message back from one of Gene's friends. She said that Gene wanted to respond to me, but he would violate his parole conditions if he was to have communication with me. I'm grateful that he is mindful of being in violation and is choosing to do what is expected of him.

I guess I am hoping that he is staying on the recovery path. I know it is extremely difficult to stay connected in these times. I wanted Gene to know that NA and AA online zoom meetings are available 24/7.

In my impact statement I had even stated my hope that maybe someday he and I would be able to speak together about forgiveness and healing. Some people have asked me WHY do I care or more than that, HOW can I care about him when my boy is dead?

Matthew, would not want me or any of us to live in hate and anger. He cared deeply for others and had a heart for those suffering with addiction.

The only thing that I know for sure is; when I am practicing forgiveness I feel good, when I'm not practicing forgiveness, living in fear instead of love, I find myself judgemental, angry, and intolerant of most everyone.

 As I constantly sort through all of THIS with GOD,  I am again reminded that I can not change what is already done; none of us can! I don't know what God's plan is for my life or for Gene's life. I do know that God wants the best for all of us. God's will is for me to be happy and free.

Once again, I am left with the knowledge that I have two choices; I can either live in fear or love. I am choosing Love. God, please continue to clear my mind and heal my heart. Give me the eyes to see, the ears to hear, and the words to speak. Guide my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. Amen

2020

I'm sitting here alone in my meditation room. I've been in here most of the morning. I did my morning practice at around 6:00ish and just stayed in here.

I was telling myself that I wanted to paint today. So, I painted a piece of wood white.  I found this piece of wood at Colin and Tea's place last Saturday. I love the idea of painting a tree on a tree. So far I've only painted the first coat. But, I did paint like I wanted to do.

I also told myself that I wanted to read. So, I read a bit out of a children's book that I purchased months ago. It's called, Oddfellow's Orphanage by: Emily Winfield Martin.  It's a cute and happy story. I love the whimsical characters in Emily Winfield Martin's books. I haven't finished it, but, I did read, like I wanted to do.

Then, I told myself that I wanted to write today. So, here I am...writing. I often distract myself from the things that I really want to do with things that are not so important. I then find myself discouraged because I had free time and I squandered it.

On this first day of 2020 I will not waste my time with unimportant things that only want to distract me from what I long to do. Even as I typed this sentence I was thinking about how I need to go to the store. I will remain where I am. Seated in this chair in my quiet room, typing my thoughts.

As I think of the many opportunities that were presented to me in 2019, I feel grateful.

I just finished reading my 2019 weekly gratitude summaries. Wow! So many amazing, sad, fun, challenging, exciting, scary, adventurous things in one year. This is called, LIFE!

I'm living life.  I am breathing it in and letting it go as best as I can. I have been presented with many opportunities to "SEE" things differently. I'm grateful for the lessons that I have received the past year. Some of these opportunities I was not ready or willing to receive at the time. I know that those and many more will be sent my way again. It will be up to me to receive them at the time or not.

My prayer is that I am open to see, hear, and speak whatever God wants for me. I pray that I remain teachable. I want all the "good stuff". I don't mean material things, I'm talking about the glimpses of heaven. I've had several of those glimpses now and I want more. For me, it means that more is required of me. Being willing to see things in a NEW way, different from ever before, requires daily practice.

Letting go of my EGO and the need to be "RIGHT" has been my biggest challenge. Letting go of the things that I always thought were so important has been difficult. Truly realizing that forgiveness isn't about anyone else but me, has been a huge hurdle that I'm still trying to get over. It may be a lifelong practice and I am OK with that. I simply want to live in peace. I know that peace is what Matt would want for all of us.

We go back to court at the end of this month. Today, I feel as though it doesn't matter what happens on January 29th. I'm not going to dwell on it though. My mind and heart shift and change direction so many times in one day. I believe that is called grief.

I will try to stay present in this moment right here and now. The truth is, this moment is all there is!