2020

I'm sitting here alone in my meditation room. I've been in here most of the morning. I did my morning practice at around 6:00ish and just stayed in here.

I was telling myself that I wanted to paint today. So, I painted a piece of wood white.  I found this piece of wood at Colin and Tea's place last Saturday. I love the idea of painting a tree on a tree. So far I've only painted the first coat. But, I did paint like I wanted to do.

I also told myself that I wanted to read. So, I read a bit out of a children's book that I purchased months ago. It's called, Oddfellow's Orphanage by: Emily Winfield Martin.  It's a cute and happy story. I love the whimsical characters in Emily Winfield Martin's books. I haven't finished it, but, I did read, like I wanted to do.

Then, I told myself that I wanted to write today. So, here I am...writing. I often distract myself from the things that I really want to do with things that are not so important. I then find myself discouraged because I had free time and I squandered it.

On this first day of 2020 I will not waste my time with unimportant things that only want to distract me from what I long to do. Even as I typed this sentence I was thinking about how I need to go to the store. I will remain where I am. Seated in this chair in my quiet room, typing my thoughts.

As I think of the many opportunities that were presented to me in 2019, I feel grateful.

I just finished reading my 2019 weekly gratitude summaries. Wow! So many amazing, sad, fun, challenging, exciting, scary, adventurous things in one year. This is called, LIFE!

I'm living life.  I am breathing it in and letting it go as best as I can. I have been presented with many opportunities to "SEE" things differently. I'm grateful for the lessons that I have received the past year. Some of these opportunities I was not ready or willing to receive at the time. I know that those and many more will be sent my way again. It will be up to me to receive them at the time or not.

My prayer is that I am open to see, hear, and speak whatever God wants for me. I pray that I remain teachable. I want all the "good stuff". I don't mean material things, I'm talking about the glimpses of heaven. I've had several of those glimpses now and I want more. For me, it means that more is required of me. Being willing to see things in a NEW way, different from ever before, requires daily practice.

Letting go of my EGO and the need to be "RIGHT" has been my biggest challenge. Letting go of the things that I always thought were so important has been difficult. Truly realizing that forgiveness isn't about anyone else but me, has been a huge hurdle that I'm still trying to get over. It may be a lifelong practice and I am OK with that. I simply want to live in peace. I know that peace is what Matt would want for all of us.

We go back to court at the end of this month. Today, I feel as though it doesn't matter what happens on January 29th. I'm not going to dwell on it though. My mind and heart shift and change direction so many times in one day. I believe that is called grief.

I will try to stay present in this moment right here and now. The truth is, this moment is all there is!

Only GOD could do that!

Three days ago I wrote about my internal dilemma. How for the last eleven plus years I have been trying to sort through my thoughts and feelings regarding one of the people responsible for Matt's death. How this person is the only one (out of the three in the car) who turned himself and the other two into police. How I found myself empathizing with him during our meeting three years ago. How conflicted I have felt about that! How I have struggled daily with what forgiveness means to me?

This brings me to today We had our monthly community clean up downtown this morning.
Raymond moved the check-in table to the grassy area across from Starbucks. Most every one had already grabbed their buckets and garbage pickers and left to begin picking up trash downtown.
Raymond, Sheila, and I stayed back and took some pictures and talked.

A woman walked by and Sheila said hello to her. I immediately froze in my tracks. I knew it was her; the driver of the car, her boyfriend at that time, was the gunman who killed our Matt. Oh My God! Is this really happening? This is all that I could think! Was it really her? I already knew it was. I told Sheila and Raymond that was Nicole Stewart!

I looked and didn't see her anymore? Raymond already knew that I had to leave the clean-up early because my cousin is here visiting from out of state.
She had just texted me that she was heading to our house from Winters.
 Sheila knew that I was really leaving at that moment to go look for Nicole.

 I got in Matt's car drove around the block. There she was! I began to shake. I pulled up to her and got out of the car. I said, "Nicole do you remember me"? She said, Yes. Right then I started to sob.
God, I have hated this woman for over eleven years. I have struggled with knowing that I didn't hurt her when I had the chance years before.

The last time I saw her, before now, was nine years ago at Target.  I wanted to hurt her bad.
I remember yelling at her and pushing my fists deeper and deeper into my coat pockets to contain them. I saw her little boy, standing in the
 Target shopping cart watching me. This little boy was the son of the killer of my son.

My oldest daughter was also with me and I could feel her anxiety as she stood beside me. She not knowing what I was going to do to this woman who had a huge part in devastating our lives. I didn't hurt Nicole that day at Target nine years ago. I only yelled at her and told her what a piece of shit she was.

Today, we stood there looking at each other crying. I began to ask her a lot of questions about September 1st 2008. She answered them all. I asked her about her son, who is now eleven years old.  I asked her if he goes to prison to see his father? No, she said. Her son has no contact with the man, his father, who shot our Matt.  We talked and cried.

This was absolutely NOT my PLAN! I had the perfect opportunity to hurt her. She was by herself, nobody was around.

In that very moment I knew that is NOT WHO I AM! I really don't want to harm anyone. I want to be free of this hate, rage, and anger.

God, what are you doing? The truth is, I know what God is doing! He is giving me every opportunity to heal my shattered and broken heart and mind.

When I got home my cousin was here waiting for me. I was able to tell her what had just taken place. She said she was glad she wasn't with me. Both of our daughters had similar responses. But, because they know that this encounter helped me, I think it kind of helped them too.

The EGO (Edging God Out) part of me is telling me I should have hit her. I know that it would not have helped me at all. I am grateful that I was able to humanize her, as hard as that is to say and write.

I have been practicing forgiveness for myself for nearly 30 years. In those years and before, I have been given countless opportunities to perceive things differently. I have been given the gift of spiritual principles to try and learn to live by. I have failed many times and will fail many more.

I'm eternally grateful for the moments in time when I am able to *SEE/FEEL* glimpses of HEAVEN. There is no feeling like it! The peace and calm that comes in these glimpses is like nothing I have ever felt before. In these glimpses is where I believe the saying "Heaven on Earth" comes from.

I have to write this down because I know that it is fleeting. In one glimpse I see heaven and in the next moment I fall back into the EGO; wanting to control outcomes and situations which leave me feeling alone and in fear.

Today, I will try to remember the weightless feeling of peace and calm. I will focus on the undeniable feelings of love, forgiveness and contentment.


God, thank you for giving me the glimpses of heaven once again. Thank you for guiding me and giving me the courage to do the right thing for the right reason in the moment. Thank you for filling me with a peace which surpasses all understanding. I am truly blessed to have had these glimpses at all. Thank You <3

God, guide me please

I have been talking about this and praying about it for nearly a year now. It is especially devastating to be still dealing with all of this madness as we approach our 11th Thanksgiving and Christmas without our Matt.

This past January, a Senate Bill was signed into law. It is called SB 1437. It's the new felony murder rule. Many people charged with murder, who were NOT the actual murderer, but were charged with murder, now have the opportunity to have their murder convictions changed, if they qualify.

Gene Combs, was sentenced to 15 years to life for 2nd degree murder, in the murder of our Matt. Gene was not the actual shooter, but did give the shooter the gun, was in the car, driven by the shooters pregnant girlfriend, and left several messages on the intended targets voicemail. In one of those messages, Gene Combs states: "Those bullets were meant for you, mother fucker." There is much more, but, this is the gist of it.

Now, here is my confusing and heart wrenching internal dilemma.
Raymond and I went to see Gene Combs, in prison, almost 3 years ago. We had a four hour meeting with him, his counselor, and a facilitator. We wanted to know exactly what happened on September 1st 2008. We wanted Gene Combs to look us in the eyes, and tell us what was going through his mind on that day, when our Matt was senselessly taken from this world by gun violence.

We wanted to know why Gene Combs decided to tell on himself, Henry Don Williams, and Nicole Stewart, 12 days after Matt was shot. We wanted Gene Combs to tell us EVERYTHING! He did.
My mind and heart has been in conflict ever since.

Gene Combs shared about his substance abuse and the terrible things that he had done. I understood this because, I myself, have been in recovery for over half my life. I related to Gene Combs and his addiction. I understood doing things that I swore I would never do, all because I was under the influence of a mind altering, mood changing, substance. It was hard to feel myself relating to this person who had been a part of my only sons murder.

Nonetheless, this is what was happening. I couldn't escape the empathy that I was feeling for this man charged with 2nd degree murder in our Matt's death.

The thought of betraying my son, by having these feelings of empathy for one of the people responsible for his death, has been equally devastating and confusing. On the other hand, Matt believed in people having second chances. He believed that people could turn their lives around. He knew it was possible because he had seen it in his own family.

During our meeting with Gene Combs, he shared how he was supposed to be at his son's birthday party at a water park on September 1, 2008. How he just needed to get one bag of dope before he went to the party. How that decision of his to get that bag, has changed the lives of so many people. How he wishes he could go back, but, he knows that he can't. He vowed to live out the rest of his life by doing the right things for the right reasons. He said he would do his time and be a mentor for other inmates.

We all sobbed and expressed our feelings. We talked about what the future looks like for all of us. We talked about his family; His wife and two boys. We talked about his addiction, when it started, what his life was like growing up. We shared ourselves so intimately. We will forever be connected in this life.

We forgave Gene Combs, that day, in that room on prison grounds. Accepting responsibility for his actions is a huge part of recovery. Raymond told him that we would not be a stumbling block for him on his journey of recovery. We told him that we were glad to hear that he was dealing with his addiction and facilitating NA and AA meetings in the prison.

Now, today, here we are:
Gene Combs filed the petition for SB1437 as soon as it became law in January. My heart sank when I found this out. I have felt angry and confused.
Gene Combs you told us you accepted responsibility for your actions and would do your time for Matt's murder? What has changed? Do you no longer believe that you were a huge player in Matt's murder? What about everything you said to us?

What does any of this really mean? Can I have both gratitude and un-forgiveness in my heart at the same time? Are all of my feelings valid?

Now, the defense investigator wants to talk with us about our prison meeting with Gene Combs three years ago.

God, please clear my mind and heal my heart. Guide me to where you would have me go. Give me wisdom and clarity. Amen

Focusing on the Good

These dates, September 1st and September 2nd are forever etched on my soul. Matthew was shot on the night of September 1st, labor day 2008. We spent the night on the floor of the ICU visitors lounge. September 2nd our family was ushered into a small room where we were told that Matthew would not recover from the gunshot wound to his brain. I only remember hearing screams after that. I'm not sure who's screams they were. Mine, our two daughter's, Raymond, Grandma, or all of us!

This was a real life nightmare that I wasn't able to wake up from. Who would do this to Matt? Why would anyone do this to him? Those questions were answered weeks later.
When I look back now, I see that we all felt the same. It was a nightmare and none of us would ever wake-up from this.

Here we are today; eleven years later. So much has changed. Our daughter's are grown, amazing, women with families of their own. They have learned how to navigate through all of this in their own ways.

Raymond and I love being grandparents. We, our family, and friends, continue to walk forward each day, striving to keep Matt's dream alive by supporting youth, which will help to stop crime, and ultimately strengthen our community.

Focusing on the good doesn't mean I am in denial of what is happening around me. Focusing on the good doesn't mean I don't feel anger and rage. Focusing on the good means that I try to find the good in situations. I learn to change my perception of things. When I do this, I am able to see Good. When I don't do this, I am filled with a sense of hopelessness and contempt.

I am reminded of the awesome people that have been in our lives and those who have come along this journey with us. We have been extremely blessed with so much love and support over the years. How can I not focus on that? The beautiful calls, cards, texts, and posts that we receive every September 1st and 2nd is incredible, to say the least.

There is good all around us. I get to choose what to focus on. I think about what Matt would want us to do. He would most definitely want us to focus on the good. He also would want us to stand up for that which is not good. So, this is where we are today! Standing up for that which is not good while focusing on the good that is all around us. <3

Our baby is a grown ass woman

I woke up this morning thinking about what was happening on this very morning at 6:57AM 26 years ago. I gave birth to our beautiful baby girl, TeaRae. She was 8 pounds 10 ounces and 21 inches long. She was born with the umbilical cord around her neck and wasn't breathing. We were terrified! What seemed like forever, but, was probably less than a minute, we finally heard her cry. Then we cried with joy and thanked God for saving our little baby girl.

I was remembering the joy and excitement that I felt when I found out that we were pregnant.
Raymond and I had been trying to have a baby and it wasn't happening the way "I" thought it would or should. After we went for fertility testing and it was confirmed that nothing was stopping me from conceiving, and that we needed to just relax, let go, and let God.
Within another month...It HAPPENED!

We were living in Hawaii at the time. Raymond worked hard and long hours. Matthew was in kindergarten and Briana in pre-school. I was determined to do everything right with this pregnancy. I had quit smoking three months before I conceived. Thank you, God! I was trying to eat healthy and get plenty of exercise. I had been in recovery for over 2 years at this point. I was feeling great!

We had been in Hawaii for a little over a year and I was missing home and all my people. I loved our time in paradise but, you can only go so far on an island. I was 4 months pregnant when we decided to move back to California. Matt and Briana were happy to be back home too.

My amazing friend, Laura, tells me all the time, that I got my personality while I was pregnant with TeaRae. I'm not sure if that is a dig or what? I thought I was always funny. Guess not. LOL

I remember it was a Monday evening, May 31, 1993 (Memorial Day). I had returned home from a women's meeting. Raymond and I were in our room talking. I was laying on my side on our bed when all of a sudden I felt a pop and instantly felt it! My water had just broke.

I called my mom and the the rest of the family to let them know that we were headed to Kaiser in Vallejo.Matt and Briana were being babysat by one of their Aunts and we were on our way to finally meet our baby girl. I felt an urgency to get to the hospital, thinking that this was my third child so it would most likely go quickly.

I wanted to have a natural birth so I asked that I not be given any medication. I wanted the whole experience. Man, was that a dumb move! It was 10 1/2 hours later before little miss TeaRae decided to join us.

These past 26 years have been amazing, beautiful, hard, sad, encouraging, eventful, scary, awesome, and I would do it all over again. The time goes by so quickly. I can't really wrap my head around the fact that our baby is a beautiful and amazing woman who has built a wonderful life.

Thank you TeaRae for being such a positive example of love, compassion, honesty, and beauty in this world that looks so ugly at times. I'm honored and blessed to be your mom. I love you!

Trying to sort through this mess

I woke up late this morning, well...7:00AM is late for me. I was given the gift of staying with my little Ansel last night so his mom and dad could have a date night at the San Jose Sharks game. I'm grateful.

We had Monday and Tuesday court hearings this week for two of the people responsible for Matt's murder. After leaving yesterdays hearing I felt like I wanted to just go home and crawl in bed. I'm glad that I wasn't able to do that because I had already said I would stay with Ansel. 

I always feel so much better when I get to see my precious grandson. My entire self has to be present with him. I have no time to try and sort through what happened at the court hearings or to think about the next ones coming up. Ansel has my full attention. Thank you God for giving me these moments of peace and joy.

Today, I will again try and sort through this mess. I know I won't be able to because there is NO SENSE to be had. We go back to court next month on Tuesday, May 21st and on Wednesday, May 29th. 

Some people have asked me if it's healthy for me to be at these court hearings? I used to be a little shocked and angry by the questioning. Then, I'm reminded... unless, you have had to walk in my shoes there is no possible way that anyone could even begin to understand what it's like to feel complete powerlessness due to the murder of your child. I wasn't able to protect my son from being murdered. I am able to be a voice. I am able to suit up and show up.

We and countless other victims and family members of victims are having to walk through the horrific events of their loved ones murder. Some of the cases coming back, because of a bill signed into law (SB 1437) by Jerry Brown before he left office, are nearly 50 years old. Matt's murder is only 10 1/2 years old...I find gratitude where I can.

My only recourse is to write about what is happening in our system and how it affects so many lives. I write because I can't keep this mess bottled up inside of me. I also share my hope and joy, because, I know that if I live my life only in the problem I will miss the wonderful stuff that is right in front of me. I write the truth about how scared and angry I am. 

Many times a day I feel like something bad is going to happen. I have those thoughts and feelings because something really bad has already happened. I have to tell the truth; ESPECIALLY, to MYSELF! The truth is...this is a FUCKING CRAZY MESS! 

Confused and Frightened

The past few months have felt like an insane roller coaster ride with my thoughts and emotions all over the place, shaking and rattling me to my core.  Today, after arriving home from a couple of eventful days in San Diego,  I think I can finally sort through some of the roaring chatter in my mind.

We attended another court date on Tuesday morning at 9:00am in Vallejo for one of the persons responsible for our Matt's murder. It appears that this new law, SB 1437 will allow this person a hearing for possible re-sentencing.

When Matt was murdered we were given a card that explained OUR RIGHTS (Marsy's Law) https://oag.ca.gov/victimservices/content/bill_of_rights as family members of the victim.

 This is definitely a violation of Marsy's Law. We have had NO FINAL CONCLUSION.
 It's been 10 1/2 years!
9. To a speedy trial and a prompt and final conclusion of the case and any related post-judgment proceedings.

The shooter, Henry Don Williams, received 50 years to life for firing 8 shots at Matthew. One of the bullets hitting Matt in the back of his head, severing his brain stem.

Gene Combs, who, along with the driver of the getaway car, provided the shooter with the gun. Gene Combs also called the intended target, after Matt was shot. He left a message on the drug dealers voicemail saying; "Those bullets were meant for you Mother Fucker." He received 15 years to life.

Yes, Gene Combs went to the police 2 weeks later and told them what the three of them had done. Matt is still dead. That day our family was given a life-sentence without the possibility of parole.

The driver, Nicole Stewart, who was the shooters pregnant girlfriend, was never charged with any crime. Again, we were devastated by this decision.

And, here we are once again!
We have 2 court dates coming up on April 22nd for Matt's shooter and on April 23rd for Gene Combs.

After court on Tuesday, myself, my oldest daughter, and my grandson, headed to the airport to spend a couple of relaxing days in San Diego. I needed to be in the sun on the sand surrounded by the ocean.

What we witnessed late afternoon yesterday as we walked back to our room, was far from relaxing. It was actually traumatizing. We witnessed 3 men beating and stomping a man outside of a restaurant/bar. These three men were employees of the bar. Briana and I were across the street screaming for them to STOP. The man wasn't moving anymore and they continued to stomp on him. 911 was called but these three guys wouldn't stop. It was so horrible.

We were grateful that Ansel was sound asleep in his stroller and never woke up. It took us a long time to calm down after seeing such horrific violence. We watched as the police, fire, and ambulance arrived. We felt like we could continue making our way back to our room. We couldn't believe what we had just witnessed.

At midnight, Ansel woke up screaming. We didn't know what was wrong? Just then, Briana saw someone going through the garbage outside our window. Within a minute or so, the power went out in our room. Everything was pitch black. It was frightening.

We tried to call the front desk but the phone didn't work. Bri called 911 from her cell phone and was told that the entire area was experiencing a power outage.

This was the last straw for us. Briana called the airline and had our flight changed so we cold leave earlier. We packed up with the light from our phones. We left our room at 1:30 this morning.

I needed to replace the gas that I had used in the rental car, but, it was the wee hours of the morning and we didn't feel safe. Ansel needed his milk too. We found a Walgreens that was open. The night manger was concerned for us being out there at that time. He walked us out after our purchase. We noticed the well lite Shell station directly across the street. We could now head to the airport.

I want to get off of this roller coaster ride! My stomach hurts, I want to throw-up, and I'm terrified by all of the events that have taken place. The insanity of this ride is that we can't seem to get off. The lap bar won't release. Our Matt is never coming back and we are forced to loop these cork screws and have the blood rush to our heads from hanging upside down. God, help us!

I am grateful for all of the amazing people, places, and things that we have in our lives. Our grandson, Ansel, has been a beautiful bright light for our family. The love and support we receive has been our life line. Even though this roller coaster won't let us off, we are forever thankful for our family and friends who continue to be willing to see us through all the absurdity.

God, please clear my mind and heal my heart. Guide my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. Give me the eyes to see, the ears to hear, and the words to speak. Amen