2020

I'm sitting here alone in my meditation room. I've been in here most of the morning. I did my morning practice at around 6:00ish and just stayed in here.

I was telling myself that I wanted to paint today. So, I painted a piece of wood white.  I found this piece of wood at Colin and Tea's place last Saturday. I love the idea of painting a tree on a tree. So far I've only painted the first coat. But, I did paint like I wanted to do.

I also told myself that I wanted to read. So, I read a bit out of a children's book that I purchased months ago. It's called, Oddfellow's Orphanage by: Emily Winfield Martin.  It's a cute and happy story. I love the whimsical characters in Emily Winfield Martin's books. I haven't finished it, but, I did read, like I wanted to do.

Then, I told myself that I wanted to write today. So, here I am...writing. I often distract myself from the things that I really want to do with things that are not so important. I then find myself discouraged because I had free time and I squandered it.

On this first day of 2020 I will not waste my time with unimportant things that only want to distract me from what I long to do. Even as I typed this sentence I was thinking about how I need to go to the store. I will remain where I am. Seated in this chair in my quiet room, typing my thoughts.

As I think of the many opportunities that were presented to me in 2019, I feel grateful.

I just finished reading my 2019 weekly gratitude summaries. Wow! So many amazing, sad, fun, challenging, exciting, scary, adventurous things in one year. This is called, LIFE!

I'm living life.  I am breathing it in and letting it go as best as I can. I have been presented with many opportunities to "SEE" things differently. I'm grateful for the lessons that I have received the past year. Some of these opportunities I was not ready or willing to receive at the time. I know that those and many more will be sent my way again. It will be up to me to receive them at the time or not.

My prayer is that I am open to see, hear, and speak whatever God wants for me. I pray that I remain teachable. I want all the "good stuff". I don't mean material things, I'm talking about the glimpses of heaven. I've had several of those glimpses now and I want more. For me, it means that more is required of me. Being willing to see things in a NEW way, different from ever before, requires daily practice.

Letting go of my EGO and the need to be "RIGHT" has been my biggest challenge. Letting go of the things that I always thought were so important has been difficult. Truly realizing that forgiveness isn't about anyone else but me, has been a huge hurdle that I'm still trying to get over. It may be a lifelong practice and I am OK with that. I simply want to live in peace. I know that peace is what Matt would want for all of us.

We go back to court at the end of this month. Today, I feel as though it doesn't matter what happens on January 29th. I'm not going to dwell on it though. My mind and heart shift and change direction so many times in one day. I believe that is called grief.

I will try to stay present in this moment right here and now. The truth is, this moment is all there is!