Trying to sort through this mess

I woke up late this morning, well...7:00AM is late for me. I was given the gift of staying with my little Ansel last night so his mom and dad could have a date night at the San Jose Sharks game. I'm grateful.

We had Monday and Tuesday court hearings this week for two of the people responsible for Matt's murder. After leaving yesterdays hearing I felt like I wanted to just go home and crawl in bed. I'm glad that I wasn't able to do that because I had already said I would stay with Ansel. 

I always feel so much better when I get to see my precious grandson. My entire self has to be present with him. I have no time to try and sort through what happened at the court hearings or to think about the next ones coming up. Ansel has my full attention. Thank you God for giving me these moments of peace and joy.

Today, I will again try and sort through this mess. I know I won't be able to because there is NO SENSE to be had. We go back to court next month on Tuesday, May 21st and on Wednesday, May 29th. 

Some people have asked me if it's healthy for me to be at these court hearings? I used to be a little shocked and angry by the questioning. Then, I'm reminded... unless, you have had to walk in my shoes there is no possible way that anyone could even begin to understand what it's like to feel complete powerlessness due to the murder of your child. I wasn't able to protect my son from being murdered. I am able to be a voice. I am able to suit up and show up.

We and countless other victims and family members of victims are having to walk through the horrific events of their loved ones murder. Some of the cases coming back, because of a bill signed into law (SB 1437) by Jerry Brown before he left office, are nearly 50 years old. Matt's murder is only 10 1/2 years old...I find gratitude where I can.

My only recourse is to write about what is happening in our system and how it affects so many lives. I write because I can't keep this mess bottled up inside of me. I also share my hope and joy, because, I know that if I live my life only in the problem I will miss the wonderful stuff that is right in front of me. I write the truth about how scared and angry I am. 

Many times a day I feel like something bad is going to happen. I have those thoughts and feelings because something really bad has already happened. I have to tell the truth; ESPECIALLY, to MYSELF! The truth is...this is a FUCKING CRAZY MESS!