God, guide me please

I have been talking about this and praying about it for nearly a year now. It is especially devastating to be still dealing with all of this madness as we approach our 11th Thanksgiving and Christmas without our Matt.

This past January, a Senate Bill was signed into law. It is called SB 1437. It's the new felony murder rule. Many people charged with murder, who were NOT the actual murderer, but were charged with murder, now have the opportunity to have their murder convictions changed, if they qualify.

Gene Combs, was sentenced to 15 years to life for 2nd degree murder, in the murder of our Matt. Gene was not the actual shooter, but did give the shooter the gun, was in the car, driven by the shooters pregnant girlfriend, and left several messages on the intended targets voicemail. In one of those messages, Gene Combs states: "Those bullets were meant for you, mother fucker." There is much more, but, this is the gist of it.

Now, here is my confusing and heart wrenching internal dilemma.
Raymond and I went to see Gene Combs, in prison, almost 3 years ago. We had a four hour meeting with him, his counselor, and a facilitator. We wanted to know exactly what happened on September 1st 2008. We wanted Gene Combs to look us in the eyes, and tell us what was going through his mind on that day, when our Matt was senselessly taken from this world by gun violence.

We wanted to know why Gene Combs decided to tell on himself, Henry Don Williams, and Nicole Stewart, 12 days after Matt was shot. We wanted Gene Combs to tell us EVERYTHING! He did.
My mind and heart has been in conflict ever since.

Gene Combs shared about his substance abuse and the terrible things that he had done. I understood this because, I myself, have been in recovery for over half my life. I related to Gene Combs and his addiction. I understood doing things that I swore I would never do, all because I was under the influence of a mind altering, mood changing, substance. It was hard to feel myself relating to this person who had been a part of my only sons murder.

Nonetheless, this is what was happening. I couldn't escape the empathy that I was feeling for this man charged with 2nd degree murder in our Matt's death.

The thought of betraying my son, by having these feelings of empathy for one of the people responsible for his death, has been equally devastating and confusing. On the other hand, Matt believed in people having second chances. He believed that people could turn their lives around. He knew it was possible because he had seen it in his own family.

During our meeting with Gene Combs, he shared how he was supposed to be at his son's birthday party at a water park on September 1, 2008. How he just needed to get one bag of dope before he went to the party. How that decision of his to get that bag, has changed the lives of so many people. How he wishes he could go back, but, he knows that he can't. He vowed to live out the rest of his life by doing the right things for the right reasons. He said he would do his time and be a mentor for other inmates.

We all sobbed and expressed our feelings. We talked about what the future looks like for all of us. We talked about his family; His wife and two boys. We talked about his addiction, when it started, what his life was like growing up. We shared ourselves so intimately. We will forever be connected in this life.

We forgave Gene Combs, that day, in that room on prison grounds. Accepting responsibility for his actions is a huge part of recovery. Raymond told him that we would not be a stumbling block for him on his journey of recovery. We told him that we were glad to hear that he was dealing with his addiction and facilitating NA and AA meetings in the prison.

Now, today, here we are:
Gene Combs filed the petition for SB1437 as soon as it became law in January. My heart sank when I found this out. I have felt angry and confused.
Gene Combs you told us you accepted responsibility for your actions and would do your time for Matt's murder? What has changed? Do you no longer believe that you were a huge player in Matt's murder? What about everything you said to us?

What does any of this really mean? Can I have both gratitude and un-forgiveness in my heart at the same time? Are all of my feelings valid?

Now, the defense investigator wants to talk with us about our prison meeting with Gene Combs three years ago.

God, please clear my mind and heal my heart. Guide me to where you would have me go. Give me wisdom and clarity. Amen