Where I find serenity

It was suggested that I write from exactly where I am at this moment.

I’m here in our serene backyard, listening to the multiple wind chimes I have placed in random spots on our deck, in the garden, and even in the trees. The different chime sounds bring me peace. There is also a slight and somewhat cool breeze on this 87-degree May afternoon.

I can get distracted easily by the sounds of all the birds. I get to watch the blue jays bathe in the bird bath I have placed back here. I tell Ansel that with all the squirrels, birds, occasional cats, dragonflies, and butterflies that come to visit our backyard, it is kind of like a little zoo. I’m forever grateful to have this peaceful place to retreat to after a hard or even not-so-hard day. It is simply my healing place.

When I was considering taking some time off to write my story, somewhere away from home, by myself, I was reminded that this is the perfect place. My own backyard sanctuary. It really doesn’t get much better than this. The 20-plus years of memories I have in this backyard seem endless. We have changed it so many times over the years also. For many years, I had my own little labyrinth that Raymond and I began to construct before Matt was killed. It took a while longer to finally complete it after he died. I knew I needed a place to come and meditate, but after he was murdered, it felt so hard to continue moving forward with the thought of ever being able to meditate again. But we did complete the labyrinth, and I walked it hundreds of times in meditation.

During COVID, I realized that we needed a cool spot to share with our little grandson, Ansel. Raymond was able to get a play-set from a family in Benicia for free, and it was exactly what our backyard needed now. Raymond also found some turf really inexpensively due to the fact that it came from a soccer field. It has white and bright yellow lines throughout, but we don’t care. It just enhanced Ansel’s play-set and made the ground softer and safer for our little guy.

I have spent many hours back here painting rocks for people and my garden. I even painted the scallops that line the garden. We have had so many parties in this amazing space too. Ansel has his annual Halloween party back here each year. He loves it. We love it too. Our friends who now are grandparents come as well as Briana and TeaRae’s kids and friends’ kids. Recovery parties happen yearly back here too. I feel totally blessed to have this space to share with others and also to keep for myself.

Grief

As I started to wake up this morning, I was over-taken by grief. My heart hurts so intensely.

I grieve for the innocent babies, children, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and families, as they are watching, in horror, as their lives are taken in the most heinous and brutal ways.

I can't help but think about our own lives and the lives of our loved ones who have been murdered. I can't help but be reminded of the times, that I felt that, those who committed these crimes against "MY FAMILY" members, should die!

I soon learned through my own self assessment, that MURDERING ANYONE, in retaliation, is NOT WHO I AM! Nor, is this someone, I EVER, want to be! I can't change what has happened, And, neither can ANYONE ELSE!

The bloodshed will never end until we have a collective agreement which denounces violence. I can't change anyone else's thoughts, feelings, and/or perceptions, ONLY, MY OWN.

Today, in this moment, I will heal my heart. I will pray for Peace. I will help where I can. Thank you ,GOD!

All reactions:

13Loretta Rockwell, Carlos Solorio and 11 others

Scared

 Each morning I wake up between 5:00 and 6:00 AM. I'm not sure how many years ago that this habit began. I do know that I equate it with being old. I must also mention that I go to bed anywhere between 7:00 and 8:00 PM nearly every night. Again, I equate this with being old.  I don't even know why I started to write this but titled it SCARED? Maybe, i'm distracting myself from my real feelings AGAIN? This is one of the many things that I do to myself. It is also a Habit. 

Maybe, I have ADHD? Or, Maybe, I just don't want to "go there"? 

But, the thing is, I  am Always "THERE"...SCARED! 

I have been scared for as long as I can remember. I have always had this overwhelming scared feeling that lives within my body, mind and soul. 

The fear that resides within me vibrates higher at different times. When the fear that dwells within me vibrates at its highest I stay in my bed. As I am sitting here typing in my meditation room, I can smell my incense burning. The aroma helps to quiet my mind. The incense is a reminder for me to "be still" and allow myself to just relax. 

The one for sure thing that I know about myself is that I am easily distracted plenty dramatic. 

Incarcerated on the outside

I have been writing for years and years as a way for me to sort through all of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions in relation to not only the murder of my only son, Matthew Terrahl Garcia, but also, my cousin Kathy's murder 8 years before Matt was taken by violence. I have visited prisons to talk with convicted murderers about what their victims' family members and loved ones have to deal with on the daily. The consequences of their decisions are permanent, for us.

I have been pondering these questions and many more, over these past nearly 24 years, since my cousin, Kathleen Sue O'Brien was stabbed to death in April of 1999.  Kathy was stabbed over 50 times and her body had been tossed out onto Cherry Glen Road in Fairfield. My mind couldn't and still can not fathom how another human being can inflict such unspeakable violence on to another. And yet, here we were not ever imagining that another murder in our family was to happen several years after Kathy's. My only son, Matt.

Doing this healing work for myself has been an incredibly slippery slope. In one moment I am so angry and filled with anxiety and fear. In the next moment I find myself having empathy for a murderer. What in the hell is wrong with me? Let me be really clear though...Kathy and Matt's murderers have NEVER taken responsibility for their heinous acts; and actually have been using the system to their advantage for the  entire length of their individual incarcerations, thus far. 

 My husband, Raymond went out to the driveway to get me our local newspaper on this rainy Sunday morning. I opened it to see a picture of a incarcerated man and above him the headline read: "Guards to benefit from state prison closures, too". The writer, Steve Brooks, is an incarcerated journalist who resides at San Quentin. He has written for numerous publications and has even received awards for his writing. Steve Brooks has been incarcerated for nearly 30 years. 

While reading his article, I felt several different things almost at the same time, Anger, sadness, irritation, and self pity. I mean, What about US and other victims' families? I truly do believe that not all who have broken the law should reside in prison for the rest of their lives. But, I certainly believe that someone who has stabbed another over 50 times with a sharpened screwdriver, and continues to show social and behavioral problems should not be eligible for parole and neither should a already convicted felon, who obtained a gun and shot my son in the back of the head.

Our family has attended one parole hearing thus far for Kathy's murderer and it was awful to say the least. While the state prosecutor and I met at a SoCal airport and drove together to the prison, It hit me that Matt's murderer was also incarcerated in this same prison. Knowing that I was walking into a prison that was housing both murderers of two of our family members was insane to me. I was overcome with a mix of disgust, anguish, and confusion. 

Kathy's murderer was actually scheduled for another parole hearing next month, on March 28th. As our family has to try and prepare for this outrageous appointment, We, AGAIN, are overtaken by emotions and the horrific memory of THAT day. 

We found out a week or so ago that Kathy's murderer has waived his parole hearing for another 2 years. I thank God for that, but, it was the Killer himself, who waived it? What in the Hell? 

Once again, we are faced with a mix of emotions to sort through. I am grateful to not have to go for another 2 years, yet, flabbergasted that her MURDERER was the one who got to decide when he might be ready for another parole hearing! 

Many times throughout these last 24 years I have felt as though I was incarcerated. Even more-so after Matt was shot to death. I do get that people change. Matt was all for people and second chances. He understood that we all have choices in life. The consequences for choosing the wrong path, can have devastating lifelong effects that will ripple for generations.  

What is "justice" supposed to look like?

 It's me again. As my facebook memories popped up on my feed, I can't help but scoff at a particular memory that happened on this day in 2014. I had posted a picture of the very first restitution check I received from Matt's murderer. Matthew was murdered in 2008. There is NOT ANY monetary (RESTITUTION) ANYTHING, that could or would, EVER bring a sense of "JUSTICE" to a family who's loved one has been murdered.

But, here we are! The restitution checks ranging in amounts of $32-$50 show up randomly. Sometimes, a year or more will pass without anything and at other times two checks will be mailed within a year period. 

Each time, I would open one of these checks, I literally felt the acid in my stomach start to make its way up to my throat. I know that I don't have to open them. I don't even have to accept them, but still, Its like I can't help myself at the same time.  I want to see what amount of work Matt's killer did or didn't do. I will know by the total of the check. Its kind of crazy, I know, but my child is dead, it's all I have. SO.... Crazy it is!

After a while of feeling the disgust these checks brought me, I made the decision to use these monies to help with The Matt Garcia Foundation in whatever small ways it can. Using the money to do good has helped me, somewhat. 

All of this, is MY experience. This is what is happening in mine and my family's world! I don't ever want my own experiences to be perceived as worse than, nor more important than, anyone else's. Murder is HORRIFIC! The devastating ripple effects of murder never ends. Loss is hard... for EVERYONE! 

I know that there are millions of victims' families who receive NOTHING. Many murdered victims families still are left with not ever knowing who killed their loved one(s). 

I am only able to move forward in this crazy never ending nightmare because of the amazing love and support from family and friends. I am encouraged to write and talk about the experiences that I and our family has endured, as well as, the many experiences that we have been blessed by.

An added disheartening part of this horrific process, is telling another family member of a murdered victim(s), that there really is "NO JUSTICE". No matter what happens, we are left without our loved one(s) because of violence perpetrated by another with no regard for human life. This is a FACT that can not be disputed!

The consequences for those persons responsible vary GREATLY! Some perpetrators will serve no time at all, some are never apprehended and are free to commit more crimes against humanity, while some others, whom are given lengthy sentences for MURDER or their role in a murder, are often let out early. There are also some who are repeat offenders, and learn how to work the "system" from the inside of an institution. 

Several years ago, Matt's killer claimed that his girlfriend was propositioned for sex, by the jury foreman, in exchange for a Not guilty vote, during his trial for the murder of our Matt. I actually did witness the girlfriend talking with the juror. I immediately told our prosecutor that we wanted that juror removed from the jury. I had been a juror before. All jurors are read the rules, several times, for serving on a jury. Our prosecutor then informed the judge of what had just transpired in the hallway during a recess. 

The juror was summoned into the "closed courtroom" where only the judge, both attorney's, and the juror in question, were allowed. The judge decided that nothing criminal had happened and the juror would stay on as the jury foreman in the murder trial of the monster who took our Matt. Again, my mind was blown away by the judge allowing this juror to stay on the jury and even more-so, as the jury foreman.

 We spent years in and out of court because of what had happened in that Vallejo Courthouse hallway years earlier.  At one point Matt's killer had "decided" that he would represent HIMSELF (by the way, he has done this several times). Matt's murderer was going to be able to question myself and Raymond on the stand! I can't make this stuff up. It really happened and continues to happen more than you know. 

After a year or more, the killer changed his mind and decided to have a public defender appointed to him, once again. All of which causes more delays and postponements. These are all the rights of the ALREADY convicted and sentenced murderer. This was just one of his many ploys throughout these last 14 years. 

After years of the killers ploy to be re-tried due to juror misconduct, failed. We knew we had to do something to help prevent another family from going through this nonsense. 

We talked to whomever would listen and searched to find some solutions by way of policy change within our courthouses. We asked that jurors be separated from the public in the hallways of courthouses during trials. It was so frustrating to know that if  the courts had already had a policy in place, during Matt's killers murder trial, the murderers girlfriend and the juror would NOT have had access to each other in the hallway that day.  This policy would have also saved countless hours and lost wages for our family, the courts, tax-payer money, and heartache. We are AGAIN, not the only family that this has happened to.

We felt as though we had conquered a huge obstacle when the new juror pathway policy was agreed upon. Our so-called victory was short lived.  I felt defeated, once again, being told that MONEY would not allow for changes to be implemented in already existing courthouses. We were assured that this policy change, to separate jurors from the general public in courthouse hallways during recesses, will be implemented when new courthouses are built. I am still holding out hope.

I have learned to shut off my mind, during some of these times; If I didn't, I would go absolutely CRAZY!  If I wrote about ALL of the ploys and schemes, over the last 14 years, brought on by Matt's murderer. the pages would fill a large file cabinet. 

I have several book shelves filled with my own journals. This has been my only way of letting out the injustices that I feel. I write about my thoughts and feelings after every single court hearing. 

 It is my purpose in this life, to not only help myself and other victims' families, but to also bring awareness, to the general public. Incarceration doesn't mean that the convicted murderer is stopped from exercising, "THEIR RIGHTS"! Truthfully though, most people who are NOT living the nightmare, of a murdered loved one, really DON'T want to KNOW. I can't blame them...I wish with all my heart and soul that, WE DIDN'T KNOW what Really can and does Happen to victims' families and loved ones after the verdict of "Guilty" is rendered.

I remember yelling and crying to Valerie Dodini, her son was also murdered. After he was killed she became an attorney to help other victims' family members. She would repeat herself over and over again, telling me and all of us who attended the Homicide Survivors Group, "the only way ANY OF THIS WILL CHANGE is with an amendment to the constitution for Victims' Rights"! 

I would say "but, we have Marcy's Law". I soon learned, that regardless of Marcy's Law, many times I was not notified of court hearings. Marcy's Law, the California Victims' Bill of Rights Act of 2008 was enacted by voters as Proposition 9 through the initiative process in the November 2008 election (2 months after Matt's murder) https://www.cdcr.ca.gov/victim-services/marsys-law/ 

On many occasions over the years, we were NOT notified of a court hearing in which Matt's murderer attended. Not being notified of a hearing, is absolutely a violation of Marcy's Law. I WANTED to attend every court hearing and according to Marcy's Law, I should have been notified of EVERY SINGLE ONE, NO MATTER WHAT!

 There are never ANY consequences for us not being notified under "Marcy's Law". We received a lot of excuses and apologies. You know the ones, "everyone is understaffed".  

I went so far as to offer my own time and energy to call victims' families, to no avail. I wanted to let those families who wanted to know, about any and all upcoming hearings. 

I knew then, that I would have to advocate for myself; checking the solano county court connect website daily, to see if Matt's perpetrators had any upcoming hearings.My talking about the violations of Marcy's Law wasn't going to change what was happening. I was no longer waiting to read in the Daily Republic about a hearing that had already happened and i had missed because my advocate didn't notify me. All because they are understaffed. 

My fingers cant keep up with my thoughts about all the injustices or remembering what we have been through and are still going through just in the justice system alone after Matt's murderer was convicted in 2010 and sentenced to 50 years to life, for 1st degree murder.

His sentence was changed because he was 32 years old when he shot and killed our Matt, which means, he will "AGE OUT" in prison. The "Elderly Parole Program" means that Matt's killer is eligible for parole in September of 2028; That is only 5 years from now! 

My son, Matthew Terrahl Garcia deserves more than what has been given. All Victims' of Crime deserve MORE!

Why am I still trying to make sense out of nonsense?

 It's really not difficult to understand why I feel like I'm losing my grip, at times! I literally can not even grasp how back ass ward MY world looks to me.

Just as I began typing this, someone outside my window started honking their car horn over and over again. I can't stop myself from laughing out loud. I wonder sometimes if I am in a never ending episode of the twilight zone. Do other people feel this same way? Or, am I simply the crazy lady who keeps trying to make sense out of nonsense?

Anyway, here I am, AGAIN, in this lonely place, where I can't do anything, except, write about it! This is the place I come to when I have run out of options. When I have called and left messages and I have sent all the emails to the people whom I think can or who I thought are suppose to help us sort through this madness. More times than not, the answers to my many questions, leave me feeling even more defeated. 

So, once again, I tell myself, Ok girl, you have got to get this out of your head, lets write! In the next instance, just the thought of writing sends me into a frenzy. Its like a tsunami flooding my brain with all the injustices and literal insanity, that we have endured over these last 14 years and 4 months. 

 I'm acutely aware of the fact that we are not unique. We are one family dealing with these issues. There are MILLIONS of families everywhere living this never ending nightmare, as well. 

This place that I come to, when I have done all that I can do, is very familiar. I've been here so many times since Matt was murdered. It's dark and lonely. I know that it's not good for me to be in this place for long. I have to snap the proverbial rubber band around my wrist several times to remind myself to GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

After, the"rubber band" has been snapped, I move to the place where I "act" like everything is fine. If I don't try and fake it until I make it... UMMM NOPE, I don't EVER want to go back there! 

The old saying that has been drilled in to me my entire life, You know the one, ...."LIFE AIN'T FAIR" is the biggest UNDER STATEMENT, EVER!!! I keep wanting someone, somewhere, to say to me, "Don't worry honey, we are going to make it fair, Right NOW"! Why I do that to myself, I do not know?

Even so, I know that I will not give up. I will continue to try and make enough noise that SOMEONE will hear and take notice. I will try and remember that Matt wants me to be happy and have joy however and whenever. I will continue to write the letters and express my deep disappointment, as well as, my disgust with how victims and their families have fewer rights than those who murder our loved ones. 

I am truly grateful for all the love from my family and friends as well as the support that I have in my life. Thank you ALL

Will the Good Outweigh the Ugly?

 It is difficult to believe that it is already Friday, AGAIN! The minutes, days, weeks, and months are moving past so quickly. I feel like I can't keep up! 

 The last month or so I have been trying to give myself a lot of love. Several of my beautiful friends and family are suffering in one way or another. I try to not take on their pain, but, I have found THAT to be a  difficult task.  

My heart aches for them, as well as, the parents and loved ones of the 19 murdered children and their two teachers on May 24th 2022. I haven't been able to focus on much of anything since. The anxiety I feel has been running the show of my life for a while now. 

I have forced myself to show up for events, meetings, of and work. Most of the time I feel better once I get there. Although, there have been a couple of events that I attended where I left feeling even MORE trauma and anxiety. It has felt like the entire world is spinning out of control.  

Since Matt's murder I have put so much of my focus and energy into seeing the good instead of the ugly. I have been devastated over and over again by the heinousness and evil all around. I have also been able to find gratitude in SOMETHING, in the midst of it all. Although, these last couple of months or so, I have found that my gratitude is dwindling. 

 I believe it has to do with the fact that the people whom I have historically went to for support are also feeling this doom. I find this terrifying. 

I was informed late last night that Matt's murderer has a son who is a Jr. That son, wrote a book about his dad and the murder of Matt. OMG! REALLY? Can my mind be blown anymore? 

 I am continuing to practice SELF-CARE whatever THAT means? To some people my self-care appears SELFISH. I can't be swayed by that....but, I AM!  

Today, is a new day and I will TRY AGAIN to care for myself and MY NEEDS. To be honest, I'm not sure what my needs are? I do know that I want a clear mind and a healed heart. I think, I will focus on saying that as my mantra today. In my heart of hearts I do believe that the good does outweigh the ugly. I'm simply having a hard time seeing THAT right now. I won't give up looking for the Good! 

God, clear my mind and heal my heart. Guide my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. Give me the eyes to see, the ears to hear, and the words to speak. And so it is.