The gift of Thanksgiving

I am enjoying my quiet time this beautiful morning. I have had a wonderful phone conversation with a dear friend. I am so thankful for the amazing people that I have in my life today. I am in awe at how a shift in my perception, a change in how I view the world and the people in it, can reveal so many miracles, that until this shift took place, I was unable to see! Thus is why my daily prayer is: God, guide me to where You would have me go. Give me the eyes to see, the ears to hear, and the words to speak. Clear my mind and heal my heart. And so it is, Amen

The last couple weekends have been filled with Amazing women from all over the country. We all met in LA for a huge conference to lift each other up in love and sisterhood. I have been lifted up emotionally, physically and spiritually from all of these incredible life expereinces. My thoughts about so many things that I thought were fact or should be's, are changing. I see myself opening up to, what is often called, the "Bigger Picture".

Many years before Matt was killed, I felt an inner shifting. I knew that Life is so much more than money, jobs, influence. All of which, are outside THINGS. I was on a journey from the moment I was born...I was just unaware for many years.

Although, this shift has definitely expanded since Matt's death. I have no more walls up. I am totally open to whatever God has in store for me. I am open to the experience and I am not attached to the outcome. I am the most vulnerable that I have ever been. This is the space where God can and will enter.

I have been sitting in quiet with the visiting forms that convicted murderer, Gene Combs, has sent to me. I want to go and see him and ask him questions about the night that Henry Don Williams, shot and killed Matt. I'm also not naive. I understand that Gene combs has nothing to lose by saying whatever he wants to me. I just have this inner knowing that i am supposed to do this.

One reason why I know that I am supposed to go and see Gene Combs, is because of what has taken place over these past few months. The people that have been placed in my life at just the right moment. I was speaking at a middle school several weeks ago. My husband and I had already had a meeting 3 months before this middle school experience, where we were asked to forgive this person who had a role in Matt's murder. At this middle school, the woman seated next to me, gave me a hand written note which said, "thank you for forgiving my son". This is how I know that God is leading me! This is my privilege of a lifetime.

Some people do not understand how I could be open to speak to and even consider to forgive these people who committed these horrible acts that resulted in my only son's death. I say, It's not for them, it's for me. It's for my children and it's for their children. We are all here for a reason. My hating someone is NOT going to bring Matt back. My feeling Anger and Rage is not going to Affect anyone but me and those I love and with whom I am closest to. Why would I want to do that? I don't! I want to heal and live this life in peace. Giving hope where it seems like there is none.


 

Time to Heal

I'm another year older and I'd like to think that I am a bit wiser as well.

I had a wonderful Birthday with my girlfriend, Laura. We went to San Diego to spend a couple days by the sea. We also were blessed to go to La Costa Resort and Spa to see my favorite author and mentor, Marianne Williamson. She was a speaker, during a week long retreat with Deepak Chopra.

Before I left for this much anticipated mini vacation, I had a couple of significant things happen. I had sent a letter to Gene Combs, (the accomplice in Matt's murder) in response to a letter that he had written to me over two years ago. I am now ready to hear what Gene Combs has to say about that night horrible Sept night.

Ever since Matt's death, I have felt that this was NOT a case of Mistaken Identity. I also have so many questions still, in response to how Gene Combs, who is the ONLY one who went to the Police and turned himself in, was given a 15 to life sentence, and the driver received nothing. Without Gene Combs, we may still not know who shot Matt. I am asking myself, WHAT is it that I want from Gene Combs?

I have been given the opportunity to forgive some of the people directly and indirectly involved in Matt's death. This continues to be a long and difficult process but also extremely healing. I did not go see Gene Combs, who is in prison in San Diego. He sent another letter and asked me for a copy of the letter that he had written to me, over 2 years ago. I decided that this was not the time for me to speak to him.

I feel so grateful that I am allowing God to clear my mind and to heal my heart and to guide me. I don't want to MAKE things happen. I relinquish all control of this situation, to God. I am forever grateful to the many friends who continue to support me and my decisions. I will not get to have my son back, although I can have peace in my heart in the midst of our enormous and devastating loss.

The journey from my head to my heart.......

Here I am again, sitting at my computer, looking out the window at this beautiful October morning. It is amazing to me, how the way that the day looks, or the smell of the cool air, can trigger so many memories. Just the way the sun is positioned or the sound of a bird can take me to a place in my memory which seems like a lifetime ago.

 I am scanning over, in my mind, the events from yesterday. My Friday began with breakfast with a friend that I haven't seen in over 15 years. It was so amazing to see her and her beautiful 6 month old son. It was like we had been together all this time. There was no awkwardness or lack of conversation. I am very grateful that we found each other again. My life has been blessed by awesome people in it.

I was also corresponding with my friend, her son was murdered earlier this year. She asked me if the thoughts and pain of WHY did this happen to our children, ever goes away? I had to tell her, "NO, those questions of why, the pain, loss and devastation have not gone away. I don't imagine this as ever going away. We shared with each other how we stay busy to keep our minds focused on something other than the never ending pain from the senseless deaths of our children.

 I did get to share with her, the conversation that I had with one of the players in Matt's death. I shared with her that he asked us for forgiveness for his role of being the drug dealer who took the $50 that the shooter and Gene Allen Combs, came looking for to get their money back. He understood that his disease of addiction, has affected so many lives.

Last night, I again ran into That man, who had a part in Matt's murder. The same man that Raymond and I had a conversation with, nearly 2 months ago. The man who asked for forgiveness for his part in the murder of our son. This man now has 2 months clean and sober. He gave me his 60 day key tag.

So here is the part about my journey from my head to my heart. This man is Now changing his life. In my heart, I know that this is a major event, that will absolutely help to change not only his life, but the lives of his children, his family, his immediate circle of people, and ultimately the world. My head wants to HATE him but my heart knows this is a miracle.

 My head often times wants to blame, hate, hurt and punish. I have been on a spiritual journey for a long time now. I believe that God is absolutely guiding me to a life of peace and forgiveness. I just have to be willing!

Once again, God, Clear my Mind and Heal my Heart. Guide me where you would have me go and give me the eyes to see and the ears to hear.

My meaning of Forgiveness

I'm not sure what IT ALL MEANS. Although, I am sure that God has a Plan.

 I just re-read the letter that Gene Combs (the other person charged with Matt's murder). The letter was sent to me nearly 2 years ago. Gene Allen Combs had just been sentenced to 15 years to life for his role in the murder of Matt. Gene Combs stated in the letter that he didn't know that Henry Don Williams had a gun. He said that he turned himself in, along with Nicole Stewart and the shooter, Henry Don Williams on Sept. 12, 2008, Eleven days after my son was shot.
Gene Combs stated in the letter that he didn't come forward sooner because one of the men, who also testified during the trials, that Henry Don Williams asked him to forward a message to Gene Combs, if he went to the cops he would have Gene killed along with his kids. I'm not sure I believe what he has said in this letter. And really it doesn't matter. Matt isn't coming back! What i do know is that Gene Combs is the one who turned everyone in,  himself. The 9 month pregnant mother, shooters girlfriend, Nicole Stewart, never went to the police, The Shooter, Henry Don Williams (baby's daddy) took off to Las Vegas and assumed a fake identity.
So, God is the only one who REALLY knows the Truth of what happened the night of September 1, 2008.
I have had the opportunity to speak with Ryan Estes, the drug dealer who took the $50 from Gene Combs and never returned, who was the so called intended target of the bullet on Sept. 1, 2008 that killed Matt. I have talked with Nicole Stewart, the 9 month pregnant mother and girlfriend of the shooter. Just yesterday I responded to the letter that Gene Combs wrote to me nearly 2 years ago. I asked if I could speak to him face to face? He is in prison in San Diego. I just so happen to be traveling to San Diego for my birthday Nov. 2nd.
  I believe that I am on a journey of healing. My prayer daily is: God, Clear my mind and Heal my Heart. Guide me where YOU would have me go. Give me the eyes to see and the ears to hear. Fill me with Peace, Happiness and LOVE. Amen

Shattered heart with a message

On this night 4 years ago, we were at John Muir Hospital waiting to see Matt in the emergency room surrounded by so many people waiting to find out how you were.

 There are a few moments from that night and the next day are forever etched in my memory.
 It was 8:30ish when my friend Terri called me to see if I had heard from Matt. She said that she had found out that he may have just been shot. I immediately called Matt's phone, No answer. I then called the police to see what was happening. The police dispatcher said that an officer would be coming to our home. All of our phones began to ring continuously. The word had spread. Matt was shot!

While we were outside waiting for the police to pick us up. Uncle Mark and Aunt Maria came to pick up TeaRae and head off to John Muir. Briana decided to wait for the police with me and Raymond. "OH MY GOD,Where are the POLICE"? We kept asking and calling. Why were they taking so long?

When the Officer finally arrived, the three of us got in the police car and we took off for the hospital. I never wondered why they had my son at John Muir? My phone continued to ring and I continued to feed everyone who called, the little bit of information that I had. I finally asked the Officer, Do you know what happened to my son? He said, "All that I know is that he was shot in the head". My heart dropped and I don't remember much of the ride after that.

At the hospital we were ushered to the emergency waiting area. Many of our city leaders were there. Many of Matt's friends and our family were arriving by the carloads. We didn't get to see Matt or hear anything about his condition for quite some time. When the Doctor did come out he told us that Matt's wound was devastating. What does that mean? I didn't know what that meant????

When we were taken to see Matt, he was hooked up to many machines. It was obvious to me now, what the Doctor meant when he said devastating wound. How could this be happening?  WHO did this to my BOY? WHY, WHY, WHY????? He was a good and kind boy with a beautiful caring heart.

We stayed the night in the ICU waiting room. Several of my friends stayed with us that night. I continued to go to Matt's bedside, where he had round the clock police protection.
The next day, the ICU Doctor informed us that Matt's Brain Stem was severed. Matt would not be recovering and that his brain was dead. How does a mother deal with that? How does a mother hold it together enough to be there for Matt's sisters? How does a mother NOT LOSE HER MIND from Anger, Rage and Grief. GOD!
God continues to carry us all through this never ending nightmare. I ask God to Clear our minds and heal our Hearts, daily.
 Matt's life brought joy to many people. That is what we try to focus on. The depth of pain and the space that is forever missing in my heart will always be there. Matt wanted us to be filled with hope and to be responsible for our actions. So, that is what we have been striving to do.

Last week I talked with the person who was the intended target of the bullet that killed my son. Yes, the drug dealer who ripped of the shooter and his friend for $50 dollars. He shared with Raymond and I, that he never meant for someone to be killed. He shared how he wanted to die, but the drugs he continued to do, wouldn't kill him. He had nine days clean now and he knew he had to talk with us. He shared how he was spiraling out of control. He couldn't go down Travis Blvd. because he couldn't look at the Matt Garcia Youth Center without being reminded of how it should have been Him that was killed, Not Matt!
I just allowed him to go on and tell his story of what had happened on Sept. 1, 2008. He said that he didn't understand why God let him live and took Matt, who was living a positive life and had a bright future. Honestly, I can't understand it either.
Listening to him tell the story I asked him some questions about the trial and some of the things that he testified to when he was on the stand. I wanted to know if he still stood by everything that he said. He said, yes,that he did.
It was a very emotional meeting for the 3 of us. I had a sense of peace come over me. I told him that my hope for him would be that he continue to get his life in order and to be the father that he should be to his 4 kids. That he teach them to be good and loving people so that they don't grow up to do drugs and hurt or kill people.
He asked for our forgiveness and we forgave him. I felt lighter when I left that meeting. Not for him so much as for myself. My life has been an incredible series of opportunities and lessons. I can use these life events as opportunities to grow and change or I can live in hatred, fear, anger and confusion. I choose peace!
That is what Matt would want for us all.

Forever twenty-two

Oh my God, my heart is so broken. I still can't believe that you are gone. I'm sitting here remembering what was happening 26 years ago. My only son was about to be born. I remember how scared and excited I was knowing that you were about to enter this world. I was only 19 but I knew I already loved you so much. I wanted to be the best mom I could be to you. Although, I lacked the tools I needed to be that mom.

I continued to try and I continued to struggle with many issues. I had your sister less than 2 years later. Our lives were falling apart and our precious babies were caught in the crossfire. Finally, when you were 3 and your sister 1, I made a major decision that would change our lives for the better. With that one decision came many more. We were on the healing road of recovery and restoration. My self centered behavior, turned into a soul desire to help myself and my precious children be the best that we could be. I thank God everyday for guiding me to seek that help and healing.

With our new lives came more challenges, but we were a family and I would NOT give up! Remembering the parenting classes that I enrolled in and the therapy for the 3 of us, fills me with so much pride today. I was going to do everything necessary to make a good life for you and us. I was not perfect but I was willing to learn and take direction.

I enrolled you into Head Start. You loved it. I did get a call from your Head Start teacher, Mrs. Chamberlain telling me how you went to her office and decided to drink her Coke. We had more work to do. You were so funny and had way too much energy. We all had a tough time keeping up with you.

When I met Raymond, you were 4 and Bri was 2. You instantly had a connection with Raymond. He was the missing piece to our family. You two were buddies and you were so happy. When Raymond and I were married You were the ring bearer. I laugh every time I think about how you pulled Nicole by her arm, down the isle. She didn't have time to drop rose petals because you were in a hurry to get to the alter with mommy and Raymond.

You suffered your first huge loss in your little life when Grandpa Joe died. He was the best grandpa in the world. He loved his mamo very much. Every night when we said our prayers we would talk to grandpa Joe in heaven. I am comforted knowing that you are together again.

You played every sport. You were a great boogie boarder in Hawaii. You had a ton of friends and your heart was always full of love. Your sensitivity to people and there feelings was beautiful. You made me a better person.

It's almost 10:00PM the night before you were born 26 year's ago. I am wondering how I will "keep it together" tomorrow at the 5th annual softball tournament. How I remember the happiness on your face at your 22nd birthday party at Favela's Fusion. That was your last birthday with us.

 You were taken just a little over a month later. God, How I wish we could go back and change that night somehow. But I know we can't. My life, my thoughts, my everything was changed forever the night they took you from us. I have to keep my head up and moving forward.

Your love and passion and commitment to people has been the driving force in our lives which keeps us going. Your sister's are so amazing. They are constantly stepping up to help others in one form or another. You made us all so proud. We miss you every minute of every day.
I love you baby. Happy Birthday, Matthew.

Her word was Perseverance!

I just returned home from an awesome meeting. The woman who spoke is amazing! I have so much respect and admiration for her. She spoke about perseverance. I related to a lot of her story. We share some similarities. One glaring similarity is that we are both mothers of murdered sons. We both continue to persevere. 

I believe that my journey is one of love, forgiveness and healing. I also believe that God places each person in my life at exactly the right time. I cannot help but to feel loved and blessed in this moment.

This past week our youngest child turned 19. She is amazing!  Both of our daughters have also persevered. They have done it with love and grace. I have watched these amazing young women rise up and walk in the light. I am beyond proud. I am humbled, by the fact that God entrusted us with our three amazing children. God continues to move us on this path.

 I feel a strong shift. As though we are all being guided to lift up our young people and to help them realize their role in this world. I feel led to empower our young women. To help those who have not learned yet how to help themselves. To help the women who do not know their own worth and value. To reach out and grab the sea of abundance that is waiting for us. We are the healers and the caretakers. We are the protectors of the babies. It is in our nature to take care of the children. To make sure that they eat and that they are nurtured and loved. 

It may have seemed as though we were caught up and forgot all of this. The time is now! We have been reminded! We can no longer pretend to NOT see that our children are hurting and need us to comfort them. To feed them. To remind them of whom they are. When we take care of our children, ALL OF THEM, our world will then be what we have hoped for it to be. The violence will be less. Our hearts will be open. Our minds will be clear. We have all persevered and now let us do this!

 I am ready, are you?