Scattered

I woke up this morning feeling a bit scattered. I often distract myself with doing many different activities or meetings or projects. I only notice this, when I begin to get stressed out, because I have decided to take on too much. It's a vicious cycle. Each time, I finally do notice that I've done it again, I am then ready to go and lay down for a couple of days.
 My passion for service, is huge. I need to learn how to be of service to ME. I can't help others, if I am unable to help and take care of myself. I make this statement to others, OFTEN!
 I recognize that once I STOP and sit still, my mind takes me back to the evening of Sept. 1, 2008. I wake up every morning, thinking of my son. My day is filled with thoughts of Matt. I go to bed every night with my boy on my mind. There isn't a time that Matt isn't in my thoughts. But, when I'm still, the night of Sept. 1, 2008 replays over and over again.
 I know, with all of my heart, that Matthew would not want me to cry and mourn everyday. I try to do things to uplift my thoughts. Helping and serving others in a positive way. Reminding myself that Matt had a vision of HOPE for our community and all of the people here. I feel his presence when I'm still. It is so difficult to really look at what has happened. After 3 1/2 years, I am still not used to him being gone. It is like a never ending nightmare.
I honestly do believe that God has a plan. I also believe that we are all HERE for a purpose. When I remember these profound realizations, I can move forward. Thus, this starts my cycle all over again. I have to be able to find a balance. To learn to recognize when I'm heading from the point of peace and belief  to the extreme of overextending myself, with distractions.
God please Clear my Mind and Heal my Heart!

Light

I woke up this morning being reminded that I am in control of my attitude. I make the decision, each day, to either live in the darkness, or to be THE LIGHT! At first, knowing that my happiness and peace, were my own responsibility, seemed almost unfair! I mean, God, I want to blame someone else. These life situations that have happened, I had no choice! I was powerless to change these situations and outcomes.
This is absolutely true! I can't change what has happened. Today, I know that I can change how I am responsible for what happens to ME. I am responsible for the change that I bring to myself and my life! God, Has given me the gift of this life. I have to be responsible to have a purpose filled life. It is a gift to show my daughters that Life is about giving and loving. I GET IT! We are here for a reason!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will continue, each moment, to take responsibility for the energy/attitude that I bring into every situation.

God, what would you have us do?

It's Sunday morning. I'm in my usual morning spot, sitting in front of this computer. I have so many things running through my mind!  I do want to acknowledge how beautiful this first day of April is. It's amazing to watch, what a difference a day makes. Yesterday we had to cancel our monthly community clean up, due to rain, wind, and possible thunderstorms. Today it's clear blue sky, warm sun, and no wind.

The area that we were scheduled to do the clean-up and BBQ, is an area that has had 2 murders in a little over a month. This is the same area that had another murder yesterday morning! This is the 6th homicide, in Fairfield, already this year!

MY GOD! Please clear our minds and Heal our Hearts. Help us to keep on keeping on. These times are so discouraging and plenty frightening. Believe me, I have felt like giving up. I have felt this way, on more than one occasion.  GOD, WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US? WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE US DO?
I always get the same internal response.....TERESA,  DO NOT GIVE UP! KEEP MOVING FORWARD.
So, I'm NOT going to GIVE UP!

 Together, we will make a change in our community. We have to continue to dialog. The community meetings that our police chief has organized, along with monthly town hall meetings, from other community leaders and faith based groups, we are changing  the entire atmosphere of our community. In the few meetings that I have attended, I have felt the shift, both internally and externally. Although, the meetings went well, within a day or two, another act of violence has occurred. This is EXACTLY WHY WE NEED TO STAND UP AND STICK TOGETHER AS A COMMUNITY. These acts of violence, which have resulted in 6 murders, will lessen. They will NOT lessen if WE retreat into ourselves and our homes!

This is my City. I'm NOT RETREATING!

 God, please guide us to do what you would have us do. Give us the strength, knowledge and wisdom to do the right things for the right reasons. Fill us with a sense of belonging and community, so we can help each other. Thank you for giving us the eyes to see, the ears to hear, the voice to speak. Remind us all, that WE are here for a REASON! Amen

 Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.

Margaret Mead

Email to a Friend

Good morning,

Thank you for the prayers for myself and for the people with whom I was meeting. The meeting went well. I met with Deborah Bain, Deputy Attorney General, Assemblyman Jim Nielsen, and Yvette Lecuina from the Department of Justice, Crime Victims Services. We were able to get much accomplished. I will be contacting Chris Ward, Director of ICAN and Victim Action Alliance to discuss how she set up her program to train volunteers in assisting victims.

 We had 2 more murders 2 days ago. One shooting victim was 18 years old the other 24. This brings the total number of murders in Fairfield to four, just in the past 10 weeks. All four victims were between the ages of 18 and 26 years of age.  HORRIFYING!  I am appalled by the killings, and by the fact that not one of these murders have any suspects in custody. My heart is breaking for the family members who will get limited support from our local government because of "budget cuts"! This is so very sad and frankly, I am pissed off! I get it, though. WE have to stand up for EACH Other and help spread love and light. I feel empowered to help victims and their family members have their voices heard.

 If you would join me in praying for these mothers who just lost their son's. God, clear their minds and heal their hearts. Pray for our city and every other city, our country, and every other country. Heal the hearts and minds of the lost and confused. God, help us to realize that we must love one another to know real peace. We pray that there will come a time where there will be NO NEED for Crime Victim Advocates! Thank you, Amen

With love,

Teresa

My chattering mind

I reposted a video on my facebook this morning. It was a video that I first watched, last night, before going to sleep. It was an extremely moving and troubling video of the atrocities happening to children in Uganda.
I know that these horrible acts, that are being done to our children are happening in many places, Even Here! My reasoning for posting the video was NOT to support this one particular group called, invisible children.
My intent was to bring awareness to these horrible CRIMES that are happening to OUR children.
I know how easy it is to say, Let's take care of our own first!
But, Do WE?
 Sure, many of us try. By doing just this.... Posting a video. Placing quotes of hope and love on our social media pages. Volunteering to help wherever we can. These are all things that are absolutely making a difference in many lives.
 So, why is it than, that some people have to make it a negative thing? It is mind boggling to me to hear some people suggest that by the time a child is in the 3rd grade, their attitude and behavior will predict if that child will be in the bottom percentile. That child who grades are not above a C or their behavior is what THEY think it should be, will be the Child that is HIGH RISK.
Question? Are the people talking all of this negativity, volunteering to help mentor a child?
To the person/people who says: "all the homeless are drug addicts" Are you ensuring that our children don't become homeless drug addicts? Are you  uplifting these kids with positive messages and being a positive role model?
If world hunger disturbs you, when it is brought to the light. Do you give $5.00 a month to help feed a child?
Our words and actions are so powerful! We are here for a reason! I know this more now than I ever have. I'm sure that Matt's death has opened up a space in me, that was always there, but was semi closed off and in denial. I'm clear NOW! Each one of us can and do make a difference, if we choose to. I am so grateful to be filled with a passion of solutions not just the problems. God has given each one of us that passion.
God, thank you for clearing my mind and healing my heart.

Just keep moving!

I am about ready to go to sleep. This past week has been a bit hectic. Work has been crazy busy. I received a certified letter last Wednesday. It was from the prison where one of Matt's murderers is incarcerated. I put the letter in my purse and said to myself, "I will deal with this later". Well, later came yesterday.
 My daughter came home from work, she said that she needed to tell me something. I thought, OMG! What? She said that a girl who works with her, is the daughter of the woman who married, Henry Don Williams (Matt's Killer) AFTER he was incarcerated. This woman, who married Henry Don Williams, was there during the trial and even tried to sit in the same row with us! Maybe this is OK to some?  But, it was totally unacceptable to me.I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, Get the hell away from us!!!!!!!
 I know that the young girl, is NOT her mother. It's just so bizarre to me. Our family is constantly confronted with either, the Killers themselves, like Nicole Stewart, on 2 separate occasions. Or their family members. Sometimes I do want to move away from Fairfield. But, I can hear Matt saying, Mom come on, you have to stay and do what is right. It's true, this is my home. I was born and raised here, just like Matt and our 2 daughters. I will try to help make our city a place where people want to stay. This was Matt's hope. It is our hope too.

God, Please Clear my Mind and Heal my Heart

My path to Healing

I have had a lot of loss in my life, beginning with the death of my father before I even knew what a loss meant.

The loss of my grandmother, aunts and uncles, a babysitter, and several friends, all before I was 23 years old

Never did I or anyone else question that maybe I was acting out in self destructive behavior as a result of not knowing How to deal with or process any of the grief and loss I had already endured.

Coming into recovery April 6, 1990 was the beginning of the paths to healing for me. 

I began to work the 12 steps with my sponsor. I have also continued to journal ever since.

The murder of my cousin Kathy in April of 1999 was the most shocking and horrible situation I had, at that time, ever encountered. I immediately called my sponsor and everyone in my support group. The  horror of the manner in which Kathy died, had me paralyzed with fear. It didn’t take long for the anger to set in. I was mad at her, I was mad at me because I had been mad at her for relapsing.  I was mad at the savage way she was killed and discarded on the road. I was full of rage and hate for the Monster who did this to her. The court process was another nightmare which lasted for 8 long years. Kathy’s dad, my Uncle Red, died of lung cancer before his daughter’s killer was sentenced to 15 years to life in 2007. It was finally over! The nightmare had taken its toll on our entire family. I continued to share about Kathy and the disease of addiction. I emphasized the facts of where the disease will always take us: Jails, institutions and death.

 I was able through the 12 steps, a loving higher power, my sponsor and a wonderful support group, to channel my anger and emotions to help others. I remember watching a movie with my daughters Titled “Now and Then”, there was a scene where the old man everyone called “Crazy Pete” was speaking to one of the young girls in the movie, and He said,  “Things will happen in your life that you can’t stop, but it’s no reason to shut the world out”. That statement meant so much to me and I never forgot it.

The year 2007 was about to be a great year for our family. Kathy’s murderer was now in prison. The court dates were over. We were busy with a campaign. Our son Matthew Garcia was running for Fairfield City Council.  We were filled with Hope for our City’s future and for our son’s aspirations. We were ready for a change that would lift us all up. Myself, my husband Raymond, our daughters and other family and friends were all busy going out in our city to help get Matt elected. It felt so good to be busy doing something so positive and inspiring. On election night so many of us were gathered to watch the results come in. Matt had won the election! At the age of 21 he was the youngest City Council member ever elected in Fairfield. Being proud of Matt was an understatement. There were not any words to describe the joy and happiness I felt in my heart for this awesome young man. He wanted to make a difference in others lives.

Matt was 3 when his mom got to recovery. Matt and his sister Briana would come with me to meetings. They both knew that mommy was getting better.

When I met Raymond the kids were 4 and 2. We soon became a family. We were married in 1991. We moved to Hawaii in 1992 and lived there for a year. I became pregnant with our daughter TeaRae.  I was proud of our family and the way in which we were raising our children.  My life felt complete.

We watched our children grow and change. Matt and Briana were involved in the youth group at our church. We were also involved in a Homeless food Run. We would deliver food to different locations after church every Sunday. The kids loved to help hand out food. Matt would talk to everyone. He was a natural speaker. He was so charismatic. He asked a lot of questions and was genuinely concerned about people. Matt went on to high school and was in leadership. He was on the Armijo Baseball Team his junior year and was voted Homecoming King and Prom King the same year. Matt was a born leader.

On Sept. 1, 2008 (labor Day) I had taken my little cousin, Miles home around 1:30 in the afternoon. On my way back I drove by Grandma Chris’s house. This is where Matt was living. Him and his girlfriend of 3 ½ years had broken up before the election and he moved out of their apartment after the 6 month lease was up. He didn’t want to come back home because I was going to charge him rent.

Matt was talking on his phone when I came in. He was pacing and talking loud about one of the other council members who was having some legal troubles. I told Matt that I was leaving and he said for me to wait. I waited for another 15 minutes but he was still on the phone so I left.

Raymond and I started to make a labyrinth in our backyard that day. We worked on it all day. It finally started getting dark and I went in to shower and put my pj’s on. Around 8:45 the phone rang. It was my friend Teri. She asked how I was and I said good, and how are you? She said that she wasn’t sure but she thinks that Matt was shot in Cordelia! I immediately hung up with her and called matt’s phone. He didn’t answer. I started yelling and screaming for Raymond. Him and the girls came downstairs and began to scream too. I called the police depts. Non emergency number to find out what in the heck was happening. The dispatcher transferred me to the sergeant’s line. No one answered! I called the dispatcher again and she connected me to an officer who said he was on his way to pick us up. He wouldn’t say anything to me. It seemed like forever until he arrived. Some of the family members had already found out that Matt was in route to John Muir trauma Hospital. Uncle Mark and Maria came by and picked up Tearae to drive with them. We also had our Friend Dale Ray living with us in Matt’s old room. Dale Ray was in stage 4 with cancer. The ride to the hospital seemed like forever. I was calling people and asking them to pray. We knew now that Matt was shot but we didn’t know anything about his condition or what part of his body was hit. The traffic was bumper to bumper with drivers returning from a long Labor day weekend. I finally asked the officer, what happened to my son? He said,  "All I know is that he was shot in the head”. I felt like every fiber of my body stopped. It felt like everything went blank. Nothing would ever be the same and I knew that in that moment.

I don’t remember saying anything after that. When we arrived at the hospital it was already packed with people. The mayor and the council members were in the emergency waiting area. So many of Matt’s friends were already there too. The news spread so fast. I’m not sure how long we were there before the emergency doctor called us in. My boy was on the ventilator and he had blood in his ear. His face looked beautiful like it always did. The doctor explained that Matt’s wound was DEVASTATING! What did that mean?

They would soon be moving Matt to ICU . When I went to see him in the ICU the blood in his ear was cleaned up and he looked beautiful. Another thing I remember about that night, was that we were once again in the ICU waiting room where we had been years before due to a DEVASTATING car accident that my good friend Melissa’s dad Thomas, did not survive. Here we were again, almost all of the same people in that same room.

The following morning the ICU doctor informed us that Matt’s brain stem was severed by the bullet which bounced around in his head and did even more damage. Matt’s brain was dead but his body was still alive. Matt looked like an angel. My little boy who had been so full of life and love was not there anymore. It was impossible to be alone with Matt because he had around the clock detectives at his bedside, his killers were still on the loose.

I was in a dreamlike state that I am unable to articulate. A grief like no other. I was not able to grasp anything that was happening. I only know that I was so very scared and concerned for our daughters. Briana was very vocal and open in her anguish. Tearae was quiet and subdued. There was so much media and so many people everywhere. I had no idea or concept of how to move through any of it? Matt was an organ donor. This was our next hurdle. Of course this is what he wanted but oh my god I haven’t even dealt with the fact that my son was shot! He is brain dead now we have to talk about which of Matt’s organs or all of them will be donated? I guess it all went so fast.

The hospital gave us a huge auditorium space to gather. We wanted all of Matt’s family and friends be able to come and say goodbye. This was when I finally realized that my only son was not physically with us any longer. My heart was shattered. The despair and helplessness I felt was overwhelming me. There was absolutely no way of getting out of this.

One of the first things that my husband did when we arrived at the hospital that unforgettable night was to ask everyone to circle up and hold hands and he prayed for all of us. He prayed for healing for Matt he prayed for Matt’s friends and family for no one to cause more violence He reminded us all that we must not react with more violence. I believe this prayer absolutely changed the hearts of many that night. Matt wanted an end to the crime and violence in our city. He had just spoke about an 18 year old kid getting shot and killed a month or so earlier. The irony of it all has been hard to grasp. But, this is exactly what gave me the courage and strength to get up and do something. My mind and body wanted to stay in bed and never open my eyes again. But my heart and soul knew that Matt would want me to be here for his sisters and to continue to help others. Sometimes I literally heard Matt say “ Mom, come on, get up” and so I did.

When the shooter was captured and all 3 were in custody I had some slight relieve. Knowing that they were not out there shooting up someone else’s child. When the DA decided to allow the driver who was the shooters 9 months pregnant girlfriend go with being charged with any crime My anger really set in. I am still processing these feelings. I find healthy was to release my anger. It is $25.00 to go to the shooting range and hit a target with a 9MM

 I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to be civil to anyone again.  Having had several emotional outbursts I thought I was going crazy. But I wasn’t…I am a mom who lost her son to a crime of murder.

Today, I am telling my story. The feelings of devastation and loss haven’t left me. I am learning to live with them. I have learned to be patient with myself and be good to myself. I don’t compare my grief with others. Everyone is Unique and our grief is our own. I treasure all the memories I have of Matt and I share them with others, and others share their memories of Matt with me. I surround myself with a loving support group. I keep a journal and write about my thoughts and feelings. And #1. I Don’t get loaded, NO MATTER WHAT!

 Matt’s friends and family wanted to do something that would honor Matt and continue to do the work in this community that he wanted to do. We started a non profit called The Matt Garcia Foundation. Our mission statement is : Support Youth, Stop Crime, and Strengthen Our Community. We have donated our time money and resources to help others. I am proud of the work that we do. I know that Matt is proud too.