Day 4

It's day 4 of mom being in the ICU at David Grant Medical Center. Last Monday I had taken mom in for a fistulagram. The Doctors also wanted to look at moms heart, (which is only working at 15%). They were not able to get an IV started in moms arm because all of her veins are shot. The IV was then started in her neck. The fistula gram was successful. When they began to go through her artery to do a cardiac catherization, her body started to fill with fluid from the IV in her neck. Mom could not breathe from all of the fluid inside of her. They then decided to intubate her. She was incredibly critical at this point. The Doctors inserted a chest tube to begin to remove all the fluid from her. She needed to have a transfusion and added fluids to her body. All of this extra fluid was causing her heart to work harder.
 Mom has now made it through 3 nights of this. Her body is tired. They have tried to remove the breathing tube but have not been successful. She hasn't been able to take in the amount of air needed to survive without the help of the machine. They will try again today.
Mom we love you so very much. We are so grateful that we took the beautiful Christmas pictures with you last Sunday. You are an amazing strong woman. I know where I get it from!
Thank you God for allowing me to be the daughter I am today.
I love you Mom

Several Angels in my life

Again, I am up before the light of day. I  have already had a cup of coffee. As I'm sitting her typing, I see Miles asleep on the couch next to the Christmas tree. I made mom her favorite oatmeal and a cup of coffee. I can't help but feel blessed this moment. I have so much love in my life.
It feels good to have a purpose. I know that life can seem chaotic and a little scary at times. I have lived through some of those times. I now know that there is really nothing to be scared of!
Raymond and I were talking about some of the stupid things we did when we were young. I know that I for one, should not be alive to write about them now. I put so many people, who loved me, through much unnecessary drama, which I created on a daily basis. I thank God that I don't live like that today!!!!!
Today is going to be a day of clearing out the old to make room for the new. We will finish clearing out moms apartment and then cleaning it. Mom will be having surgery again tomorrow morning. I don't want her to have anything on her mind when she goes in. All the loose ends are nearly completed.

Another Blessed Day

I can't believe that it is Saturday already! I'm up before the sun this morning. It feels great to have a little time with me.

 I am so blessed to be able to bring  mom into our home and care for her. It has been a bit challenging. I know that God has a plan. I feel sad that mom has lost a lot of control of the simple things she used to be able to do. I'm so grateful that she can express her frustration to me. She wants to do all of the things that she did before, but her body will not allow her to anymore.

Although, I get overwhelmed at times, I think about how overwhelming it is for her! Life takes us through all kinds of experiences. We can accept each experience and go with it....or we can resist each experience and be angry and resentful. I've tried it both ways....I will continue to choose the non resistance, go with it, attitude as best as I can. As long as I ask God to guide me I will be ok. 

I can choose to be the best me that I can be. I have to practice daily. Sometimes minute by minute. I often have to start my day over. The gift is, that I have the opportunity TO Start OVER in whatever moment I choose to.

I can see how our family has come together through all of our life experiences. We understand that each moment is a gift to do something awesome with.

God, Thank you

It's a new day, and with it, many changes. Mom has moved in with us. The wheelchair ramps have been made. Her oxygen is in her room. She has all her belongings with her, again. We have already had several Doctors appointments. Today we will see the cardiologist for a pre-op to have a cardiac cath. Her heart is not doing good. We have made some arrangements to have a friend help me to do some of the daily duties of caring for mom. I now realize that my sister did a pretty good job, with her limited resources....
God has been so good to us all. I am finally free of the resentments that I carried with me for many years.
I feel blessed and honored to be able to help my mother.

Where do I go from here?: It's almost 1:00PM and I am still in relax mode. ...

Where do I go from here?: It's almost 1:00PM and I am still in relax mode. ...: It's almost 1:00PM and I am still in relax mode. It feels so wonderful to JUST BE. The Matt Garcia Foundation Dream Team members and Fair...

It's almost 1:00PM  and I am still in relax mode. It feels so wonderful to JUST BE.
 The Matt Garcia Foundation Dream Team members and Fairfield Downtown Association had a great time yesterday, cleaning up downtown and removing broken lights from the trees, which line downtown Fairfield. Everyone was AWESOME! It always feels so good to be of service in any way.
After the clean-up, myself and my friend Cynthia, went to the Bombay Restaurant, and had a great meal.
We then headed off to Bodega Bay.
On the drive to Bodega, Cynthia asked me many questions about what my life was like as I was growing up? It was a life with many experiences, many in which a child should never have to deal with. I didn't know then, that these would shape me to become the woman that I am today! For this reason, I am grateful.
I am grateful also, because I get to reach out and relate to other women who are taking a look at their own lives and where they have been and where we wish to go from here!
I do know that GOD has a plan. I ask for guidance daily, and I receive it! Again, I am full of gratitude for that!
The gift that God has given me, is the gift of knowing. I have been able to walk with our daughters through this devastating tragedy. To be the Mother and person that our daughters could come to, and just cry or ask WHY? We all know that we will see Matt again. Actually, we FEEL his presence often. ONCE AGAIN, I AM GRATEFUL!
 I must say I REALLY DISLIKE that I belong to the Mothers of murdered children club! Although, AGAIN I have been given the opportunity to help other moms along this unbelievably painful journey. This is all part of the Life that I am living today.
 My purpose is to live this life in Peace, happiness, and to live it with love in my heart. To ask for help and guidance along this journey so that I can be a light.To be the mom that our daughters need. To be a wonderful and loving partner to my husband.
I thank God and the countless friends and family who continue to guide me and inspire me to move forward. Thank you for lending me your ears when I need to vent. For all of your support I am forever grateful.

This moment I am feeling at peace. I went to a wonderful meeting this evening. Each woman that spoke, had such a powerful message of hope and transformation. I do believe that the situations, which have happened in each one of our lives, absolutely can bring a shift in our perceptions and thinking. I know that has been the case for me. Before Matt was killed, I had been spending much of my time practicing meditation and prayer. I was building a strong relationship with GOD. I know now that God filled me up with His spirit so that I would be able to go to Him after Matt was shot and killed.

 My life is far from perfect. I have even created some extra chaos for myself, in the spending money department. But, I can honestly say, that I am at peace most of the time. I feel very connected to God. I have never doubted that God is in control. I truly know that each one of us is here for a purpose. My job is to continue to ask God for guidance and direction and then follow where He leads me. When I choose NOT to follow Him is when I create chaos for myself. Each moment is a chance to begin again. I feel so blessed to know this. I have the opportunity in this moment to be the best person that I can be. I can chose to be miserable and depressed and no one would blame me. I know that God did not bring me here to do that. God has me here to help others. I am confident of that. Clearly, through my life God has sent many to help me.

I'm grateful to the many many wonderful people who have touched my life. The people that God has placed on this journey with me are AWESOME! My children have been the 3 most beautiful gifts that God has given me.. Matthew, Briana, and Tearae have taught me what unconditional love really is. Thank you God!