It's a new day, and with it, many changes. Mom has moved in with us. The wheelchair ramps have been made. Her oxygen is in her room. She has all her belongings with her, again. We have already had several Doctors appointments. Today we will see the cardiologist for a pre-op to have a cardiac cath. Her heart is not doing good. We have made some arrangements to have a friend help me to do some of the daily duties of caring for mom. I now realize that my sister did a pretty good job, with her limited resources....
God has been so good to us all. I am finally free of the resentments that I carried with me for many years.
I feel blessed and honored to be able to help my mother.

Where do I go from here?: It's almost 1:00PM and I am still in relax mode. ...

Where do I go from here?: It's almost 1:00PM and I am still in relax mode. ...: It's almost 1:00PM and I am still in relax mode. It feels so wonderful to JUST BE. The Matt Garcia Foundation Dream Team members and Fair...

It's almost 1:00PM  and I am still in relax mode. It feels so wonderful to JUST BE.
 The Matt Garcia Foundation Dream Team members and Fairfield Downtown Association had a great time yesterday, cleaning up downtown and removing broken lights from the trees, which line downtown Fairfield. Everyone was AWESOME! It always feels so good to be of service in any way.
After the clean-up, myself and my friend Cynthia, went to the Bombay Restaurant, and had a great meal.
We then headed off to Bodega Bay.
On the drive to Bodega, Cynthia asked me many questions about what my life was like as I was growing up? It was a life with many experiences, many in which a child should never have to deal with. I didn't know then, that these would shape me to become the woman that I am today! For this reason, I am grateful.
I am grateful also, because I get to reach out and relate to other women who are taking a look at their own lives and where they have been and where we wish to go from here!
I do know that GOD has a plan. I ask for guidance daily, and I receive it! Again, I am full of gratitude for that!
The gift that God has given me, is the gift of knowing. I have been able to walk with our daughters through this devastating tragedy. To be the Mother and person that our daughters could come to, and just cry or ask WHY? We all know that we will see Matt again. Actually, we FEEL his presence often. ONCE AGAIN, I AM GRATEFUL!
 I must say I REALLY DISLIKE that I belong to the Mothers of murdered children club! Although, AGAIN I have been given the opportunity to help other moms along this unbelievably painful journey. This is all part of the Life that I am living today.
 My purpose is to live this life in Peace, happiness, and to live it with love in my heart. To ask for help and guidance along this journey so that I can be a light.To be the mom that our daughters need. To be a wonderful and loving partner to my husband.
I thank God and the countless friends and family who continue to guide me and inspire me to move forward. Thank you for lending me your ears when I need to vent. For all of your support I am forever grateful.

This moment I am feeling at peace. I went to a wonderful meeting this evening. Each woman that spoke, had such a powerful message of hope and transformation. I do believe that the situations, which have happened in each one of our lives, absolutely can bring a shift in our perceptions and thinking. I know that has been the case for me. Before Matt was killed, I had been spending much of my time practicing meditation and prayer. I was building a strong relationship with GOD. I know now that God filled me up with His spirit so that I would be able to go to Him after Matt was shot and killed.

 My life is far from perfect. I have even created some extra chaos for myself, in the spending money department. But, I can honestly say, that I am at peace most of the time. I feel very connected to God. I have never doubted that God is in control. I truly know that each one of us is here for a purpose. My job is to continue to ask God for guidance and direction and then follow where He leads me. When I choose NOT to follow Him is when I create chaos for myself. Each moment is a chance to begin again. I feel so blessed to know this. I have the opportunity in this moment to be the best person that I can be. I can chose to be miserable and depressed and no one would blame me. I know that God did not bring me here to do that. God has me here to help others. I am confident of that. Clearly, through my life God has sent many to help me.

I'm grateful to the many many wonderful people who have touched my life. The people that God has placed on this journey with me are AWESOME! My children have been the 3 most beautiful gifts that God has given me.. Matthew, Briana, and Tearae have taught me what unconditional love really is. Thank you God!

 I woke up this morning with the memory of this day 10 years ago. Matt was going to Armijo High School and was in Leadership so he needed to be there early, Briana at Dover and Tearae went to K I Jones. I was so shocked and freaked out when I saw what was happening. I didn't want to send the kids to school. Of course, Matt wanted to go! I called into work. A lot of people did that day. I stayed glued to the TV, crying and praying. Here we are 10 years later. So much has changed. The memories of the horror on that September 11, 2001 will be forever embedded into my memory. Life is so short and we are only here for a short time. Let us pray for and help each other however we can. A smile, a hand up, sometimes just an ear to listen.  God we pray for all of the thousands and thousands of families affected by the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001. We pray for clear minds and healed hearts. God, guide each and every one of us today and always.

The never ending nightmare

It was 3 years ago tonight, that the worst nightmare a parent could have...Happened! I still can't believe that you are gone. Everything has been a blur since Sept. 1, 2008. We try to do what we know that you would want us to do. It's so hard. God this aching in my heart hurts so bad. I can't even breath sometimes.
I'm NOT Strong!
I'm a mom who struggles everyday to keep my sanity. I'm a mom who tries to be here for our girls. I'm a mom who wants my boy to visit me in my dreams, but it never happens. I'm a mom who wants to do the right thing for the right reason. I'm a mom who constantly asks WHY,WHY,WHY?
I'm a mom who sometimes thinks....God, what did I do that was so bad?

I know that God has a plan. I can't even try to imagine WHAT the plan could be, but I have to try to keep the faith. I struggle with remembering that God has called us all here. We are here for a reason. Some of us are here for a short time.

God please clear my mind and heal my heart.

WOW is the only word I can think of

I had a phone call at 7:00AM this morning from a court reporter, who was supposed to have the transcript from the murder trial of Henry Don Williams, (the murderer of my only son Matt) ready for me to pick up at 8:30AM in Vallejo. She called to tell me that the transcript was not ready STILL.

 Let me just share my encounters with this entire situation. God please clear my mind and Heal my heart!

I first asked for the transcripts from both trials back in Jan. I received the transcript of the Gene Allen Combs trial, last March. The cost for that transcript was $322.98. Remember,  Gene Allen Combs trial was actually AFTER Henry Don Williams trial. I have several saved voice messages since Jan. from the court reporter for the Henry Don Williams transcript.With the reasons why she was not able to have the transcript ready. Finally, in June she called with the estimate of $677.60 for the transcript. I informed her that I absolutely wanted them please print them for me. She assured me that they would be printed. Another phone call later, she said she would not print them until I handed her a check for $677.60. I have left her  2 messages that I have the check and would like to come to Vallejo to pick up the trial transcript from the murder of my son. No return call. I was so frustrated that I called the D.A. and asked him to find out what is going on? This is the second time I have spoken to the DA about these transcripts and this particular court reporter. He called me yesterday and said that he spoke to her and that the transcripts are ready. I then called the court reporter and she answered this time! She then proceeded to tell me that her portion of the transcript was still not completed because she ran out of toner.....Wow Really? She said that they would be done this morning by 8:30AM. I woke up early to get ready to go to Vallejo. I had missed a call at 7:00AM this morning. Guess who? YES, The court reporter. The transcript is STILL NOT READY. Why do you think that it has taken almost a year to have THIS particular transcript ready for me? The transcript had to be copied already anyway for the appellate court! From day one, since the murder of Matt, nothing has looked right!
God, fill me with peace and understanding.