March 25th we went to court for the last time regarding Gene Combs. We all agreed to a plea deal that would free Gene from prison. In the courtroom on that day, we all had to practice social distancing, due to Covid-19. It was weird and still is as we continue to shelter-in-home during this worldwide pandemic. I was grateful that this would be our final day in court with Gene Combs.
I read my victim impact statement to Gene and the court, we both sobbed. When I was finished, Gene asked if he could address me? Judge Nelson said, yes.
I felt Gene's remorse as he struggled to get his words out. I have struggled with trying to NOT have empathy and understanding for Gene. It doesn't work that way for me.
Gene Combs seems different to me. I don't know why? Maybe, it's because he turned himself and the others into police 12 days after Matt was murdered? Maybe, its because he tried to reach out to us after he was sentenced? Maybe, he seems different to me, because I believed him when we met with him in 2016 at Soledad Prison? Maybe, it's because it is what Matt would want me to do? I don't know why? I just know that we will be forever connected because of all of this.
Many of our family and friends have a difficult time comprehending my position. The only explanation that I can offer is that I have the same disease that Gene has. It's called addiction. This does not negate the fact that Matt is dead due to the decisions made by Gene, Henry Don Williams, and others on September 1, 2008. But, hating him is not going to bring Matthew back to us.
Every morning I wake up wondering how Gene Combs has been doing since his release from prison on April 16th 2020. I know, I know, it sounds CRAZY! Why would I even be thinking about him? Is something seriously wrong with me? It's a question that I ask myself. At the same time, I do know why?
God has been working in Gene's life too. God, doesn't stop loving us even if we make horrible, life altering, devastating decisions. This can actually be a time of great healing. I know this to be true because I have experienced it myself.
I find myself praying for him hoping that he is doing well. I even searched for him on social media.
Yesterday, I found a page that could possible be his. I reached out and sent a message. Last night, I received a message back from one of Gene's friends. She said that Gene wanted to respond to me, but he would violate his parole conditions if he was to have communication with me. I'm grateful that he is mindful of being in violation and is choosing to do what is expected of him.
I guess I am hoping that he is staying on the recovery path. I know it is extremely difficult to stay connected in these times. I wanted Gene to know that NA and AA online zoom meetings are available 24/7.
In my impact statement I had even stated my hope that maybe someday he and I would be able to speak together about forgiveness and healing. Some people have asked me WHY do I care or more than that, HOW can I care about him when my boy is dead?
Matthew, would not want me or any of us to live in hate and anger. He cared deeply for others and had a heart for those suffering with addiction.
The only thing that I know for sure is; when I am practicing forgiveness I feel good, when I'm not practicing forgiveness, living in fear instead of love, I find myself judgemental, angry, and intolerant of most everyone.
As I constantly sort through all of THIS with GOD, I am again reminded that I can not change what is already done; none of us can! I don't know what God's plan is for my life or for Gene's life. I do know that God wants the best for all of us. God's will is for me to be happy and free.
Once again, I am left with the knowledge that I have two choices; I can either live in fear or love. I am choosing Love. God, please continue to clear my mind and heal my heart. Give me the eyes to see, the ears to hear, and the words to speak. Guide my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. Amen
